Fear.....

'One day at a time, this is enough, do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone, and do not worry about the future for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering'- Ida Scott Taylor
I live in perpetual fear.....of the future, even the present and the past.

It influences every action or non-action in my life.

I am scared: that my work won't be good enough, scared of failing, scared of succeeding, I'm even scared to LIVE.

I am terrified of marriage, of commitment, It takes me twenty minutes to decide what to wear in the morning, I can't even commit to an outfit.

I have let people take away my happiness so many times, had sleepless nights over people that were busy enjoying their lives and not even remembering I exist.

I rarely dress up, even though I'm actually a very fashionable person and I've got so many ideas, but I am scared that I'd probably be overdressed, or that my clothes would fade faster, or that I'd rather wait for somebody or an event worth dressing up for

At times I am so sad that I actually FEEL my heart, I did not even know that was possible. I wake up at times in the middle of the night terrified, my heart pounding so fast I can't go back to bed. These fears have even taken over my subconscious

The main reason I am scared of someone cheating on me is because I'm also scared of being taken for a fool. I don't want to be in a situation where I'd be feeling fly then people will be making fun of me behind my back 'awww, she's such a pretty and sweet chic,if only she knew that a day doesn't go by without his talking to so-so person, that he spends almost all his time with so-so babe, in fact he always considers the other babe's feelings first'. Just the thought that the joke is on me is enough for me to hate the guy forever, he doesn't even have to go the whole nine yards. I know that is a strange reason, but hey,that's who I am.

Fear is absurd, ridiculous, egregious even.

But fear also has its good sides though, the fear of dying young led me to have a rethink.
What will I say I have done with my life? What will I be remembered for?
I lost someone very dear to me recently and I just wonder at times that she looks down on me and is very disappointed with the way I've decided to live my life. I am alive, but not living...such a blady weist.

On Valentine's day I was very happy. I didn't do anything fantastic but I had a smile on my face all day. The point is I chose to be happy. It was my choice all along. We choose that we want to do. The only things we don't do are those we don't want to.

It took me about two years to start this blog, just because I was scared that nobody will like it and nobody will comment and that I'm a crappy writer. When I told my friend I wanted to start a blog, he said 'Fearless, people don't just say 'S.K, I am thinking of writing... you just go ahead and write, dammit' so a couple of months down the line, here I am. So this blog is dedicated to S.K, for gingering my swag, lol
I have taken the first step, I started this blog, and I'm looking forward to doing many more things I had put off for waaay too long. I sit writing this post now, wearing a Thomas Pink shirt I'd never worn before, I have decided to face my fears, one step at a time. Who cares if if it fades, I'd get loads more..
I will only surround myself with those that make me happy and treat me right. I'd do anything to keep them, do anything for them as long as I have them. Life is too short.
I will do all I can, I don't want to have stupid regrets down the line.
No more excuses, no more fear. Faith is the new Sheriff in town.

'Faith.... is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see..'