In My Opinion

I lost my uncle a few days ago. Still can't believe he's gone, that I won't c him or hear his voice again
Don't even wanna delete his numbers
I hate that he died, I hate how he died..
I feel I coulda done more, gone 2 c him, called him more often, encouraged him 2 come visit me when he wanted to
I feel really horrible, and sad, and angry
Angry with him, his ex-wife, angry with myself cos of mistakes I've also made
Its just made me think deeply about my life, and life in general

I abhor deceit
Detest it even
Life is too short 2 spend it wt ppl u don't feel safe with, and tbh its been a long tym snc ve felt safe

Dey start wt d lies
Den d omissions
Den u find out stuff
U hear stuff
Dey blv deir actions don't matter, after all dey are not hurtn ny1
Dey keep omitting 'seemingly innocuous stuff'
As if major catastrophes aren't a combin8n of loads of harmless stuff..
U know this deep down in ur heart but u kip ignoring it
U listen 2 deir 'customised truths' even hear dem lie wt Gods name
But u kip ignoring it
Until u end up dead 9 years after, all alone cos u dint get out years ago when u we're seeing all d 'little signs'
Until u end up dead @ his graveside cos u just found out he had 3kids and a wife dt u had no idea about
But u are to blame...cos u we're seeing all d lil signs, d stuff that 'doesn't really matter', wasn't 'such a big deal'
Until it killed u

How can stuff dat doesn't really matter kill u, how can what u did not know kill u?
Well they can, cos u let them

U c d signs, dey go on and on 4 so long but u still keep ignoring....

I hate secrets.. Cos they are fatal....if it really doesn't matter, or its not important den y du conceal it, y lie, y omit?

Until 1 lie turns into a hundred, and stealing turns into murder, until u realise ur sleeping beside a snake every night and not a human being

I hate secrets

If ur a liar, a cheat, paedophile, ritualist, porn star, or ur just addicted 2d opposite sex, please let us know who u really are, then we decide if we wanna b wt u regardless. But when its 1 rumour today, something we mistakenly find out 2moro that u did a while ago, a lie u told and uv forgotten.. When it 1 thing or d other every tym, pls get d hell out and go kill urself wt ur useless habits if u want, but don't let d fact dat u can't control urself lead 2 som1 else's death

Give people a long rope
Draw dem close
Dey start showing u their true colours, u loosen d rope
Give them a really long rope
Watch dem lie
Don't confront dem even when uv got proof
Watch keenly
Notice stuff they omit
Hear stuff but don't let on that u know
Watch dem keep makn fools of themselves cos dey tnk dey r getn away wt it
Cut d rope
Don't look back...
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reVENGE

A dish...best served cold
A journey...that once embarked on would require u dig two graves
A game...that bodes more satisfaction before u play it than when its over
A burning thirst..for the other party to experience what u went thru..
A vain hope...that the acrid taste of betrayal would finally be washed out of your mouth for good
A lie..of d devil 2 deceive u into believing vengeance is yours
But
Its best..to wait till they inevitably end up at karma's restaurant....no need to order..we r all served what we deserve
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Lucky Number Seven

Its seven months today since I left home. Time really flies, I don't even believe it myself. I haven't seen my family in so long, especially my Mum.

I remember back then it felt like I was going to Oz. The first miracle was even getting the funds, I remember that my Mum had to clear her account for me, my aunt gave me over $6,000, my bro bought me a laptop, my sis gave me money for a phone.... I just have to be successful, and change my family's story, there are no two ways about it.

I dint know what it would be like, who I'd meet over there...I pestered so many people, lol. And God raised help for me, even people I'd never seen in my life started linking me up with their friends over here

I thank God for his awesome astounding grace, he alone made my coming here possible, divine provision and anointing for uncommon favour. I wasn't even sure at some point if it was the right move and I wasn't excited about the relocation tbh, but he alone knows y I came here and I wish fervently that every purpose he had for my coming here will be fulfilled

While others were bored, homesick, etc, I never felt any of that. Maybe its cos I'd been used 2 being alone for a long time so it wasn't strange to me, but I can only thank God

D things I have learned in this seven months are way more than I've learned in my entire life. About life, about people, myself, my walk with Christ...there is no life outside God, I cannot reiterate enough

I never begged bread or lacked any good thing, neither have I been at anyone's mercy. He has been faithful, even to me that's 'Miss last-minute', lol. But God goes before me each time and grants me good success. Never has this scripture held more meaning for me than now " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness". Even I don't believe my grades at times.... I bless Jesus cos I am not the best but each time I have a testimony to tell and I say 'its Gods grace'...that his strength may always stand out in my weakness.

A few months to go, and I don't know what the next step would be, but as usual he's gone ahead of me already....
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J... is for..

A few years ago I was in the car with my ex and his friend. I think his friend was listening to something on the radio or reading something, then he turned to me and asked me if I could die for my ex. I laughed, like "R u serious??? That is ridiculous" and all, and my ex looked so hurt, saying he'd die for me in a heartbeat.

That remains to be seen though, he felt he could actually do it, but if a truck hit us that day, would he have shielded me and taken the full brunt of the impact? I really don't know, but to him, he felt he would have..

I lost a close relative and while we were at their house for condolence visit, the father kept saying how death was so cruel, and that y dint death take his mother instead of his child? And when we got home my Mum was so angry and kept saying how the man was a joker, that y dint he ask death to take him instead of his own child, that y bring his poor mother into it? That a parent should give their life for their child, and all that good stuff. So that's how I know, cos she implied it, that my Mum can give her life for me, or any of my siblings..

So in almost three decades of my life, only two people could possibly give their lives for me..

But Jesus... Oh sweet Jesus, even while I was yet a sinner, he bled till his last drop of blood drained out, all for me...

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.."

Y I luv Jesus'? Because there is no friend like him.. Especially at this point in my life where those I thought I was safe with still decide to make me the object of ridicule... So who else can be my best friend, the lover of my soul, the sweetest name to my ears, and my comforter?

When others used to be partial to people cos they were probably from the same tribe, or attended the same schools or something, my own weakness was always those that called on the name of Jesus, I always felt we had a bond somehow and I had a soft spot for them. I say 'had' now because I have been deceived by this before and let down my guard instead of observing actions, I was moved cos they were calling Jesus' name...

In Jesus I am safe, nothing and no one can hurt me again, he's my haven,my all in all..

I'm nothing, absolutely nothing without him. I won't be where I am today, I won't be as joyful as I am if not for him. Even though at times I feel like actually pouring my heart out to someone that can talk back to me audibly, but with Jesus, talking to him gives me peace, and when I hear that still small voice in response to my heart's words, I remember once again that he is real.

I thank God each day, that I was raised in a Christian home, and not just that but that I was raised by a mother who isn't just religious asper going to church 7x a week but still not living the life of a Christian..

My own mother wasn't just religious, she lives Christ, taught us the word of God, and even till now her impact is epic !!! I remember when I was in Uni and my Mum asked if I was a virgin and I was so happy to answer Yes, and she said that even when I have sexual urges, I should just talk to the Holy Spirit, and I will overcome

I love Jesus, there is nothing more important to me than making heaven. There are some times I just wanna burst, like I have to tell someone about this Lion that is also a Lamb, this friend that is also a lover, I can't tire of telling him how I love him, and he tells me back "Fearless u r awesome, u r beautiful, I luv u too"... There is NO GREATER LOVE..

Even when I do wrong and I see the consequences of my actions, I am still happy, cos I know that "Who the Lord loves he chasteneth" ...his love for me is awesome !!!

There is no life outside of Jesus...

I could go on and on and on, and as a matter of fact, this is the post I have been looking forward to writing the most

J...is for Jesus...the name above all names. If you've got Jesus, you've got all u need.

What better manufacturer than one who gave u a manual for your life- the BIBLE, freely.. So that you can live the best life ever..if u choose to
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I ...Is for Insouciance

For want of a nail the shoe was lost,
for want of a shoe the horse was lost,
for want of a horse the knight was lost,
for want of a knight the battle was lost,
for want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
So a kingdom was lost—all for want of a nail.

Insouciance is unconcern, indifference, a lackadaisical attitude, or being worry-free so to speak...

As much as we are all subject to Gods design for our lives, we still have to keep doing all we can, and put in our best, and not take things or people for granted,or we end up losing opportunities,destroying our careers, disappointing our families. We cannot afford to just 'see how it goes', or have an 'it doesn't really matter attitude' or keep passing our responsibilities to other people..because the consequences could be far worse than we could ever imagine

While its quite impossible to live a worry-free life, sometimes you just have to stop caring.

Three days ago, I wrote the saddest post of my life, and while i cant say it dint shatter me, or that the humiliation and betrayal is not real, but I had to be insouciant to get better. I say 'get better' because i cant say get over it. To say get over it means its something that happened a long time ago that I'm trying to forget.

This is stuff that's still happening, the people laughing are still laughing, still making jokes and talking about him and the other babes, about their bodies, stuff that i still cant believe in my wildest dreams...and i still cant hold my head up over there, so time will tell if i've truly overcome....like will I be able to face all the people involved one day and still feel fine?

Each time i tell my sis that i'm fine she doesn't believe me, she keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, cos she says trust is my thing, and i always have to trust people or they don't exist for me anymore. maybe she's right and I'm actually in denial cos to be honest i ve almost lost all faith in people..

I don't wanna tempt fate and risk seeing all these people anytime soon, but the main thing is i'm coping right now, because i stopped caring, cos if you don't feel any love than you cant feel hatred right? so i stopped caring, my heart just feels ...empty...so maybe sometimes insouciance isn't such a bad thing. If i did not care at the outset, then i wont have been hurt as much.. so yeah i stopped caring totally.

I'm not trying to down play anyone's pain, or feel like superwoman or that I'm stronger than anyone..its not the same for everyone to be honest, but maybe I've just reached my own pain threshold and i don't get surprised or hurt anymore, cos there's only so much a heart can take after all..but my point is that you will be happy again someday, especially if you dint even deserve it in the first place, but me I've left all of them in God's hands and I'm tryna make the best of my life

Sometimes I feel like I'm on opium,and i think this is how the joy of the Lord actually feels, like you find out stuff right now that's supposed to run you mad, and instead you smile even as you find out that the person that betrayed you dint just betray you, but keeps twisting the knife in over and over again even a year after the 'mistake'.

You smile even when you're sooo angry with yourself for believing the lies, for believing that everything is in the past, when even a year after, you are still getting more and more humiliated. and its so ridiculous..

But I'm truly happy right now....and this is a high that i pray never wears off..
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Long time coming part 2

You know what makes me laugh? Well these days, everything does... I can't help but laugh cos its either that or go mad, and I'm too hawt 2b committed, if I do say so myself, lol.

I was cheated on, and while for some others its 'one of those things', for me its...I can't even find the words to be honest.

I know someone that broke up with her fiance cos he was cheating and even though the wedding date had been set, venue, etc paid for and all payment made, she still walked away. Many people couldn't understand her point of view.

I think I do though. Because if someone loves you they don't humiliate you right? Even if the cheating was a 'mistake' , what about all that happens after?

When even a year after they made the 'mistake', u realise that they are still assisting those babes they claimed they never wanna have nyth 2 do with nymore?

Or the fact that u can't hold ur head up anymore in front of people way younger than you are? People that used to regard you with respect back in the day, and even now are supposed to look up to you, but now regard you with ridicule, because of the actions of someone u let into your life, and how he's portrayed you.

Or that even one year after the cheating supposedly ended u realise that everyone even knew all about it and that the reputation u thought u were building all these years isn't worth squat cos everyone knew.

And even a year after they are still joking with the guy, crude jokes about the other babes bodies, and how hot they are, and this dude that claimed otherwise is actually laughing about it with them, making jokes on the stuff that caused you all these tears...

And you now understand why some people walked away even immediately they find stuff like this out, and y u were a big fool to still consider him even after you found out

Cos even after the 'confession', he was still lying, still omiting stuff, but you kept ignoring the signs, still foolishly believed the side of the story he decided to tell you, until you realised that there was a much bigger picture, and u are now just 4ft tall cos all d humiliation has crippled you, and you can't show your face again before all these people.

Or that when u wake up in the morning in depths of despair, he still condemns u 4 crying, despite all he did. Cos 2 him your pain is nothing , even though he caused it.

Ur pain is so insignificant to him that he is still ridiculing and humiliating you even a year after, laughing about all the stuff and the babes with people, he still...

So u ve 2 take ur tears 2 sm1 else, and start therapy, even though ur therapist tells you that you already know what you should do but u r just not doing it.

And what kills you most is that despite the fact that uv tried 2b decent ppl r laughing @ u behind ur back cos of d way someone u let in2 ur life dragged u in the mud.

But despite all this, what du do? U laugh, and b happy, and b d best damn person you can be, becasue uv left it all in Gods hands, and ur just amused when he lies, keeps lying even when you've got proof, and everyday he reminds u how the heart of man is really desperately wicked.

People will lie, keep stuff from you and still sleep soundly, still act like everything is normal, but what du do? U just laugh, even in the midst of the humiliation, and despite the fact that you don't even think you will ever love any man again, u just laugh, laugh at all the stupid lies and excuses,till you are even tired of asking questions anymore cos seeing people make a fool of themselves just gets tiring after a while
And u watch,watch, keep watching and keep being good to those that have been most evil to you....

God is the master director after all, so its so interesting to watch how this play unfolds...
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TRIBUTE...

This is something my friend shared and according to him there's no point getting married if his wife can't say stuff like this about him..

......................................................................................................... Tribute To My Husband By Mrs. Bianca Ojukwu, Widow of Late Dim Chukwuemka Odumegwu-Ojukwu:

How do I sum up 23 years in one page? I don't know. How do I describe you? I cannot. Not in any depth. Not for anybody else - you were my husband, my brother, my friend, my child. I was your queen, and it was an honour to have served you. You were the lion of my history books, the leader of my nation when we faced extinction, the larger-than-life history come to my life - living, breathing legend. But unlike the history books, you defied all preconceptions.

You made me cry from laughter with your jokes, many irreverent. You awed me with your wisdom. You melted my heart with your kindness. Your impeccable manners made Prince Charming a living reality. Your fearlessness made you the man I dreamt of all my life and your total lack of seeking public approval before speaking your mind separated you from mere mortals. Every year that I spent with you was an adventure - no two days were the same. With you, I was finally able to soar on wings wider than the ocean. With you I was blessed with the best children God in heaven had to give. With you, I learnt to face the world without fear and learnt daily the things that matter most.

Your disdain for money was novel - sometimes funny, other times quite alarming. It mattered not a whit to you. Your total dedication to your people - Ndi-Igbo - was so absolute that really, very little else mattered. You never craved anybody's praise as long as you believed that you were doing right and even in the face of utmost danger, you never relented from speaking truth to power - to you, what after all, was power? It was not that conferred by the gun, nor that stolen from the ballot box.

No. You understood that power transcended all that. Power is the freedom to be true to yourself and to God, no matter the cost. It is freedom from fear. It is freedom from bondage. It is freedom to seek the wellbeing of your people just because you love them. It is the ability to move a whole nation without a penny as inducement nor a gun to force them. When an entire nation can rise up for one person for no other reason than that they love him and know he is their leader - sans gun, money, official title or any strange paraphernalia - that is power.

To try to contain you in words is futile. You span the breadth of human experience - full of laughter, joy, kindness and sometimes, almost childlike in your ability to find something good in almost everyone and every situation. You could flare up at any injustice and in the next instant, sing military songs to the children. You could analyse a situation with incredible swiftness and accuracy.

In any generation, there can only be one like you. You were that one star. You were a child of destiny, born for no other time than the one you found yourself in. Destined to lead your people at the time total extinction was staring us in the face. There was no one else. You gained nothing from it. You used all the resources you had just to wage a war of survival. You fought to keep us alive when we were being slaughtered like rams for no reason. Today, we find ourselves in the same situation but you are not here. You fought that we might live. The truth is finally coming out and even those who fought you now acknowledge that you had no choice.

For your faithfulness, God kept you and brought you home to your people. You loved Nigeria. You spent so much of your waking moments devising ways through which Nigeria could progress to Tai-Two!!! You were the eternal optimist, always hoping that one day, God will touch His people and give us one Vision and the diligence to work towards the dream. It never came to pass in your lifetime. Instead, the disaster you predicted if we continued on the same path has come home to roost.

You always saw so clearly. Your words are indelibly preserved for this generation to read and learn and perhaps heed and turn. You always said the dry bones will rise again. But you always hoped we would not become the dry bones by our actions. Above all, you feared for your own people, crying out against the relentless oppression that has not ceased since the end of the war and saddened by the acceptance of this position by your own people.

In death, you have awakened the spirit that we thought had died. Your people are finally waking up. At home, you were the father any child would dream of having. At no point did our children have to wonder where you were. You were ever at their disposal, playing with them, teaching them of a bygone era, teaching them of the world they live in and giving them the total security of knowing you were always present.

In mercy, God gave me a year to prepare for the inevitable. I could never have survived an instant departure. In mercy, God ensured that your final week on earth was spent only with me and that on your last day, you were back to your old self. I cannot but thank God for the joy of that final day - the jokes, the laughter, the songs. It was a lifetime packed into a few hours, filled with hope that many tomorrows would follow and that we would be home for Christmas. You deceived me. You were so emphatic that we would be going home. I did not know you meant a different home. The swiftness of your departure remains shocking to me. You left on the day I least expected.

But I cannot fight God. He owns your life and mine. I know that God called you home because every other time it seemed you were at death's door, you fought like the lion that God made you and always prevailed. In my eyes, even death was no match for you. But who can say 'no' to the Almighty God? You walked away with Him, going away with such peace that I can only bow to God's sovereignty.

Your people have remembered. The warrior of our land has gone. The flags are lowered in your honour. Our hearts are laden with grief. But I will trust that the living God who gave you to me will look after me and our children. Through my sadness, the memories will always shine bright and beautiful.

Adieu, my love, My husband, My lion, Ikemba, Amuma na Egbe Igwe, Odenigbo Ngwo. Eze-Igbo Gburugburu, Ibu dike.
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long time coming...

this is so difficult to write....and i hope to write in a more explicit way as time goes on

i was cheated on, and it hit me hard. hard is putting it mildly to be honest. its not just the hatred u feel towards the parties involved. its not just that the person cheated on u, its the fact that it makes u doubt everything u ever believed in. its the fact that it makes u doubt yourself, and leads you to do things you wont necessarily have done, things ur ashamed of....

i have forgiven,but i know i will never forget.because i no that even after all this time, even now, that i spend hours talking to God, telling him to take this my heart away and give me a new one, that i am tired of the bitterness and hatred everytime i remember, that i am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what i see. hating what i see at this crucial time when i need to look my best, when i need to be able to tell myself that all this dint happen to me cos some mere mortal felt i wasnt good enough.

my validity has and will always come from God. i have never felt the need to prove myself or doubt myself. i have always felt i was all that, not the richest or tallest or finest or most intelligent, but all that... until i was cheated on and i started examining every aspect of myself like a big fool

i guess i set myself up in the first place because i was looking up to a human being, and looking back now i realise that i made another human being like me an idol in my heart. i shoulda known better, i know better. i should judge the fruits, the actions, not the words. i saw all the preceding cruelty even before the cheating eventually happened but i still listened to people's excuses for the cruel behaviour. i look back now and i am ashamed at the gallons of tears i wasted, plans i had for my self-development that I did not end up its not pursuing cos i was crying !!!

i hate that i dont feel anything anymore, I'm just...numb... and i hate that sometimes i think terrible thoughts instead of remembering that vengeance is the Lord's.

I am ashamed, that it affected me this way, and i wonder why I am writing all of this on here now cos the purpose is defeated. How do i help someone when i havent even helped myself? how long does God want me to be in agony for, and what does he want me to learn? he said i should forgive, and i honestly have forgiven. and to be fair there is only one person i need to forgive in this issue because thats the peson that allowed all of this to happen, i have no business with any girl because if she wasnt given the invitation then there is nothing she could have done that would have led to all of this. so rili i ve forgiven the only person that i should actually have an issue with, and i wonder.

I have told God, to break me, to take this my heart away, this heart that still feels such strong hatred sometimes that it shames me, i have asked him to do what he wants, but he should restore me.

I choose his will above mine always but i need my healing, and i dont know what else he wants from me. i have learned to trust him alone above all else, that only God should be true and every man a liar. i have learned to live an upright life, to always hide God's words in my heart that I may not sin against him. i have learned not to listen to people's words but judge their actions instead. i have learned to listen to God always and never doubt him. it is with great shame now that i remember how i had dreamt of all that eventually happened but i still kept doubting it, i discarded my own instincts and was listening to blatant lies. i have learned that cheating should never ever be in my vocabulary, because i know now what it can do. i have learned so many things and i still dont know what God wants from me.

i have wept uncontrollably while praying to him, and begged him and fasted, and i honestly dont know what else to do. sometimes i am wracked with so much pain that i start trembling uncontrollably and i can literally feel my heart in my chest. i have felt pain, i know what pain is now, because up until then i did not even know that someone could feel their own heart until i felt mine, aching....

i hate what this has turned me into, hate that it made me one of those babes i also used to laugh at back in the day, babes that were feeling confident with one guy not knowing all the stuff the guy was doing behind their back. i hate the humiliation and the fact that i will never ever be sure, because i have also been that other girl, the one that the guy claims he loves his girlfriend yet he seems to have so much time for me, so i will never know, never know what actually transpired, i will live with the fact that the babes will laugh at me in their mind and say "oh, she wasn't all that anywayz, if she wasi wont have had her man"..."he liked me too and he probably dint pursue it because he knows I have a boyfriend,otherwise he would have dumped her" or he probably dint take it further cos he's scared of the babe,or "because circumstances have changed between them now that's why he's not as close to me as before anymore", or "i know the connection i had with him, i know the personal stuff he shared with me so i still have a hold on him, he will never be able to shun me"....

its so funny how in life such a seemingly insignificant event could lead to the point of no return, could lead to the destruction of an investment..

i hate the fact that some nondescript, irrelevant girl became part of my story, through no fault of mine. i would never ever wish this on my enemy. i will forgive, have forgiven, but i wont forget..

I am just waiting on God, that he will speak once and i will hear him twice, but above all, his will above mine. he knows the end from the beginning and if there are some lessons I am actually supposed to have learnt and have not, then his will be done

but i dont need this, not now...not now

the word of God has been keeping me going, and I have been confessing this verse: "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. Hosea 6:1

long time coming....

this is so difficult to write....and i hope to write in a more explicit way as time goes on

i was cheated on, and it hit me hard. hard is putting it mildly to be honest. its not just the hatred u feel towards the parties involved. its not just that the person cheated on u, its the fact that it makes u doubt everything u ever believed in. its the fact that it makes u doubt yourself, and leads you to do things you wont necessarily have done, things ur ashamed of....

i have forgiven,but i know i will never forget.because i no that even after all this time, even now, that i spend hours talking to God, telling him to take this my heart away and give me a new one, that i am tired of the bitterness and hatred everytime i remember, that i am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what i see. hating what i see at this crucial time when i need to look my best, when i need to be able to tell myself that all this dint happen to me cos some mere mortal felt i wasnt good enough.

my validity has and will always come from God. i have never felt the need to prove myself or doubt myself. i have always felt i was all that, not the richest or tallest or finest or most intelligent, but all that... until i was cheated on and i started examining every aspect of myself like a big fool

i guess i set myself up in the first place because i was looking up to a human being, and looking back now i realise that i made another human being like me an idol in my heart. i shoulda known better, i know better. i should judge the fruits, the actions, not the words. i saw all the preceding cruelty even before the cheating eventually happened but i still listened to people's excuses for the cruel behaviour. i look back now and i am ashamed at the gallons of tears i wasted, plans i had for my self-development that I did not end up its not pursuing cos i was crying !!!

i hate that i dont feel anything anymore, I'm just...numb... and i hate that sometimes i think terrible thoughts instead of remembering that vengeance is the Lord's.

I am ashamed, that it affected me this way, and i wonder why I am writing all of this on here now cos the purpose is defeated. How do i help someone when i havent even helped myself? how long does God want me to be in agony for, and what does he want me to learn? he said i should forgive, and i honestly have forgiven. and to be fair there is only one person i need to forgive in this issue because thats the peson that allowed all of this to happen, i have no business with any girl because if she wasnt given the invitation then there is nothing she could have done that would have led to all of this. so rili i ve forgiven the only person that i should actually have an issue with, and i wonder.

I have told God, to break me, to take this my heart away, this heart that still feels such strong hatred sometimes that it shames me, i have asked him to do what he wants, but he should restore me.

I choose his will above mine always but i need my healing, and i dont know what else he wants from me. i have learned to trust him alone above all else, that only God should be true and every man a liar. i have learned to live an upright life, to always hide God's words in my heart that I may not sin against him. i have learned not to listen to people's words but judge their actions instead. i have learned to listen to God always and never doubt him. it is with great shame now that i remember how i had dreamt of all that eventually happened but i still kept doubting it, i discarded my own instincts and was listening to blatant lies. i have learned that cheating should never ever be in my vocabulary, because i know now what it can do. i have learned so many things and i still dont know what God wants from me.

i have wept uncontrollably while praying to him, and begged him and fasted, and i honestly dont know what else to do. sometimes i am wracked with so much pain that i start trembling uncontrollably and i can literally feel my heart in my chest. i have felt pain, i know what pain is now, because up until then i did not even know that someone could feel their own heart until i felt mine, aching....

i hate what this has turned me into, hate that it made me one of those babes i also used to laugh at back in the day, babes that were feeling confident with one guy not knowing all the stuff the guy was doing behind their back. i hate the humiliation and the fact that i will never ever be sure, because i have also been that other girl, the one that the guy claims he loves his girlfriend yet he seems to have so much time for me, so i will never know, never know what actually transpired, i will live with the fact that the babes will laugh at me in their mind and say "oh, she wasn't all that anywayz, if she wasi wont have had her man"..."he liked me too and he probably dint pursue it because he knows I have a boyfriend,otherwise he would have dumped her" or he probably dint take it further cos he's scared of the babe,or "because circumstances have changed between them now that's why he's not as close to me as before anymore", or "i know the connection i had with him, i know the personal stuff he shared with me so i still have a hold on him, he will never be able to shun me"....

its so funny how in life such a seemingly insignificant event could lead to the point of no return, could lead to the destruction of an investment..

i hate the fact that some nondescript, irrelevant girl became part of my story, through no fault of mine. i would never ever wish this on my enemy. i will forgive, have forgiven, but i wont forget..

I am just waiting on God, that he will speak once and i will hear him twice, but above all, his will above mine. he knows the end from the beginning and if there are some lessons I am actually supposed to have learnt and have not, then his will be done

but i dont need this, not now...not now

the word of God has been keeping me going, and I have been confessing this verse: "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. Hosea 6:1

Niagara falls

A lot has been happening...not really tbh, lol. but surely a lot must have been happening otherwise I wont have been off this space for so long. Happy New Year everyone... i wish you all you wish yourself and more.

This year began in tears for me. While everyone was jubilating in church with screams of "Happy New Year", yours truly was sobbing uncontrollably and even had to be led out of the auditorium. I was praying about the past year and it all came flooding back so vividly. Pain is real mhen, its not only by physical wounds...

I had my first written test in class today, and it went well, at least i think so because the tutor almost had to come force the pen outta my fingers cos I was last to finish. surprisingly, I had a lot to write, mostly because i really understood what i was writing, as opposed to just cramming the theory. there were some parts i did not finish explaining though, but I give God all the glory cos I was a bundle of nerves in the hours leading to the test. Please pray for my continued success in this and other courses.

the past few days have been a mix of fun and drama. it was my uncle's birthday over the weekend and i dont particularly like him tbh. so evry1 else called to wish him a happy birthday,but i did not call till the next day. consequently my aunt reported that to my Mum and it really spoilt my mood and affected my reading for the test. my friend called me later that night and i was tryna narrate d incident cos i was so upset and just took that opportunity to talk about it to someone outside my family, and surprisingly I started crying again, like this is almost five years after the whole ish , even though I've forgiven the man I was crying almost through the whole convo. He treated me like crap and made me feel worthless. and even though i've forgiven him now, just seeing or talking to him can alter my mood dramatically.

in retrospect I realise that I am a very emotional person and I always operate in two extremes. Its either I am very quiet about something and the day I finally decide to voice out, it would be quite gory. or maybe i talk and talk about the same issues then when i get tired of talking i just keep quiet. this is even worse cos my coping mechanism for this is that the person is dead to me and i'm just numb. so i just go through the motions, talk as appropriate but things may never get back to normal.

Relationships with people could be really tricky tbh. I still haven't been able to achieve the balance, but i try as much as possible to be at peace with all men. however the bible does not say i have to be close to people at all cost so....

so when the bible says we should guard our hearts with all diligence, apart from things we watch, or hear our read, maybe it also relates to issues like this, like when you start seeing the warning signs, when you realise that the person talks from both sides of the mouth for instance, then you should start taking pre-emptive measures. this is probably extreme, but at least some messy issues could be avoided. we should be at peace with all men, and thats what i try to do, i made a mental list of everyone that really hurt me and forgave them. understandably, some are more difficult than others and you need divine intervention, lol. i still discussed this with my pastor again last week and things are looking up....

its so bad that I told my brother yesterday that if in the worst case scenario, God forbid my enemy died and there was no money to bury me, that he should cremate me and scatter my ashes instead of going to that uncle for money.

maybe i should have moved out of his house before things got to a head, damning the consequences. i tried talking to my folks about it but I guess they were biased, so I continued suffering in silence and the resentment doubled.

so this whole issue put a damper on my weekend a bit.

watched the grammys and I tore up seriously, like niagara falls ish. Hardwork really pays mhen. Adele is really young but she's done so well for herself, and all this came about cos she was heartbroken. its such a shame cos my heart was shattered broken as well, and i did not even put it to good use.i cant sing to save my life so thats def out of it, lol, but maybe i'l write a book, or something. maybe it could even be this blog that i'l use to help someone somehow...its so funny sometimes when you are thinking of something randomly, and you dont know its actually God putting those thoughts in your heart, then someone else says the exact thing you were thinking and you're like wooow.

some days ago i was thinking about how i havent been blogging and that i should start writing again, no matter how random, cos i know that sharing stuff could help someone that may read this even a year down the line...later that day i attended a women's conference and the speaker talked about being passionate and helping people, even with your limited resources, and guess what? she mentioned blogging and i was amazed.. so i'm def gonna be blogging more regularly. do i hear a yaaay? no?.. lol

this epistle post wont be complete without mentioning whitney's death. it was niagara falls again for me all through, especially when bishop t.d jakes and tyler perry gave their eulogies. and what tripped me the most is that as usual the master planner, my Lord Jesus showed himself once again. his name was glorified to the whole world, for three hours on CNN. in these times where the media is always PC and any mention of God or Jesus is carefully edited. I'm sure lives were saved and backslidden souls found their way back home.

one of Whitney's songs that touched me most is "Almost had it all". its so sad and true. as a matter of fact i feel almost could be one of the deadliest words ever, especially when you had all the opportunities to prevent something from happening but you did not.

God help us all....

How long....

I beg your pardon in advance, but this post will be a tad macabre and tootaaly random, so u could stop reading here, thank you.

So I was thinking....if one died, like all alone in the room, how long would it take before the body is discovered? Or if someone was almost at the point of death, or say committing suicide, would there be anyone that would show even the slightest bit of concern and make them change their mind? Even if its just a phone call or blackberry message that makes them stop in their tracks?

So in my own case, I really don't know. My Mum of course even if she doesn't talk to me everyday, she and my Dad know I'm fine because I chat with my sister everyday.... So I'l assume if something were to happen to me it would be a case of. Sis: "Mum, have you heard from fearless today?" Mum: "No. Thought you were chatting with her. Ask friend A and Friend B. They haven't either? *packs bag* ...Morning of Day 2, after calling me repeatedly and possibly contacting the embassy, she boards the next flight out of town". Well maybe I exaggerated a bit but yeah I know my Mum won't take it lying down at all.

Then I have a friend back here who buzzes me at least once daily, and if she doesn't hear 4rm me will call or come round and keep her hand on the buzzer till someone lets her into my apartment and I do the same for her as well.

Another of my friends just freaked out because I stopped chatting mid-convo and at first thought I dozed off, but when there was still no reply after 6 hours had to start ringing me. So there are a few friends I know that will even come down here if need be or at least take some action. But while I appreciate them, this is not even about them, its about those that have showed how insignificant I am to them through their actions, and are also making me a worse version of myself in the process. Sometimes I think that if something really terrible happened, my spirit will not give them any respite. I'm being terribly puerile here, but still..

There are some people I also know that I'm responsible for and I have neglected them once in a while, but at least I thank God that I have one..or four people that value me enough to keep calling, or walk 200metres, or even take the next train to check on me.

This is not a sub, its just reality and I don't hold any grudges neither will I force anyone to know what I'm worth, but on the real I don't think it would take longer than a day before I'm found though, or maybe that's my over-inflated ego talking.

On second thought, my Mum's been bugging me to give her two of my friend's phone numbers in case she can't bet through to me, but for some weird reason, I've refused...lol?

So am I the only one that thinks like this at times?

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Wooooow

2011 was truly epic mhen !! I just peed in a cup on the bus on my way to church. I'm sure the cameras on the bus got me. Hope I don't get arrested or something. Oh I also peed in a bin in church in September. D devil is a liar !!!
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Reflections.....and looking forward

Its another New Year's Eve. My first away from home. I'd hoped to experience some of the typical 'eve experience' for the first time this year, with all the fireworks, hanging with friends and kissing my boyfriend at midnight. But hey, that's not happening. C'est la vie right?

2011 was the year !!!! Even in my wildest dreams I couldn't have imagined what the year had in store for me. But thank God for Jesus and the Holy Spirit cos I won't have survived otherwise. Heartbreak, illness, unfulfilled goals,problems at home....!!!

My blessing are innumerable however, and even if I had a million tongues I can't thank God enough. Daily testimonies...There is a lotta baggage and unresolved issues I thought I'd have gotten closure on before d year runs out but I'm still in limbo and its sooo frustrating.

But I'm finding peace with myself now, and things are not getting to me like before because I've realised that they are really unimportant. The year is ending on a good note, the past few days have been so much fun...

I thank God for everything, the miracles, his mercies, betrayals, thank him for life.

2011 was epic !!!! So many tears, revelations I couldn't fathom...I have no idea what 2012 will hold, but there are a few truths I've come to realise this year that I believe will help me cope regardless:

No Jesus, no nothing. Our walk with God is the most important thing in our lives, after all, eternity is not a joke. Besides, there are times in life when God is ALL we have left. Enough said!

The heart of man is truly desperately wicked, honestly I cannot overemphasize this. Its just best to put trust in God alone

Carpe diem - sieze the day. No waiting, no parking, no loitering, lol. But seriously, no arranging your life around people that have showed they are not worth it..... There's a question I once heard that got me thinking. "What would you do if failure wasn't an option?" If it was absolutely impossible for you to fail in an endeavour or action or vocation, what is that thing you've been putting off that you will do?

You never know...u just never know. You don't know what you will do until u are faced with a particular situation. You don't know if that seemingly happy couple are just putting up a public facade but one of them actually hates the other due to a previous grievance. You don't know if someone is secretly depressed, or even dropping hints which you ignored, and they commit suicide the next day....

Maybe the world will actually end in 2012 per the rumours, after all nobody knows the day right?

So have you really lived? Or are you just existing?

Happy New Year everyone!!!!
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Keeping up appearances

Nowadays its getting increasingly difficult for me to be out in public

People probably think I'm a snob or something. Understandably so, after the first two or three times I've told them 'Oh, I dint see you there'

But the truth is, I really did not see them. I could make out their silhouettes but not their faces, so its until they shouted out my name that I could acknowledge their presence

Its now down to recognising people from their voices, or the bright green top I saw them wearing earlier in the day

I should get glasses, or contacts....I should fix it, I know, but even if I could afford it, I'm still hesitant

Like maybe it would make me look less attractive, or like an old, stern schoolteacher.....or not even correct the eyesight, so I'd just have to keep upgrading my specification for a long time to come

And I also don't like been burdened with a routine, like having to stick my fingers in my eyes twice daily, or not being able to go anywhere without my glasses

In any case, its really embarrassing and needs to be fixed

So I'm stalling, waiting to get the money, but more importantly, waiting for a miracle that gives me 20-20 vision, so I don't even have to bother about any glasses or whatever

So it is in real life....when we let our pride or ego or vanity get in the way of what is really important...

What will people say.... or think? As if these 'people' aren't insignificant pawns in the grand scheme of things

We don't talk about God in public, don't talk about him at all, cos its not 'PC'....as if these people whose sensitivities we are considering , as if they rule our lives, as if God is not the most important part of our lives? Like we would even exist without him?

We don't bother about our soul, but focus on clothing, on our bodies, instead of fixing our foibles and sins

We know there are things....or people....or habits we should do away with, but we don't wanna offend people, or 'how will it look?'....or maybe it would affect our reputations

So do we 'fix' it.... or keep maintaining status quo until we cause ourselves irreparable, irreversible damage?

*P.C: politically correct
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70% off

My flatmate shops at Sainsbury's at least thrice weekly

Er, what's the big deal about this?

Well, he only goes at night, not too long before they close

He swears that this is the best time to go there, because you get really good deals on items that are close to their sell-by-date

According to him the items taste as good as ever, so why pay full price when you can get it for a third of the original price?

It got me thinking...like how sometimes in life when we feel we are past our sell-by-date, or beyond redemption...

Then 'all-of-a-sudden' we get what we've been working so hard for all along, and it seems like we barely did anything to get it

God's timing is best

When it comes, its even sweeter for us than those that 'got there' before us

It seems to the whole world like we only got it, or only got there at one-third the effort

Totally forgotten is all the suffering and hard work and sacrifice that went into it in the past
God makes all things beautiful in his time, nothing missing, nothing broken...

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LIFE

Life is a movie...

We play multiple roles daily, put on this facade, live up to these expectations.

Will it ever be OK to drop the act? To be ourselves?

Cry for 24hrs straight or scream at the top of our lungs without risking eviction from our apartments?

Will it ever be OK to talk about our pain? Our fears? To stop pretending like we know what we are doing?

To stop acting like we are healed when we know we are still damaged goods?

Do we stop talking about stuff just because we are not being understood? Or we are wrong 2 expect people to be sensitive? We should just understand that they will always be selfish and there is no point?

Do we just give up talking and carry on like all is well, even when we know that its synonymous to sticking a band-aid on a deep cut?

Is it OK to lock yourself up and cut off from everyone for 72 hours just because you don't wanna act? Or don't know how 2 put the pain in words?

So u dance... And sing, and praise God, dance till you are spent, cos after all, He said we should give thanks in all things

I shouldn't quit my day job, always knew acting wasn't my thing.
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If only....

The Maybach pulls in and you pause mid-conversation to stare

She alights from the vehicle,the first thing that catches your eyes is this season's zebra-print Louboutins

Your eyes travel slowly up to the Hermes belt you saw on Heidi Klum last week

That Limited Edition Birkin, didn't Posh just bag the last one?

And what's that smell?......ahhhhh the unmistakable scent of Chanel No. 5

You stare at her as she walks into the pharmacy, wishing you were as slim as she was...wishing u could trade places with her...

You stare in disgust at your Gucci bag and pull away from him as he strokes your hair....

***************************

She gets into the house and pulls off her Ray-Bans to reveal a black eye

She unbuckles the belt she used to hold the jeans in place, because they are now way oversized

Stares in the mirror at her sunken cheeks and wishes she was still a Size 8...the weight loss is so alarming

She undoes the buttons and sees that she has developed a new sore by her left breast..thank God for perfume she thinks,otherwise the stench would be unbearable

The maid comes in to tell her that her husband won't be coming home tonight. She smiles wistfully, relieved, but says a prayer for his unlucky conquest.

She walks to the shower and feels a prick on her foot, remnants of the mug he threw at her this morning.

As she soaks in the jacuzzi, she remembers the lady at the parking lot,wishes she still had full rosy cheeks, that she had someone to stroke her hair,someone to take her out, even if its just a short drive down to the pharmacy...

***************************

You walk up to the counter and see that she forgot her handkerchief. What's that beneath it? Her receipt...you eagerly check what's on it, sure its some unnecessary drug...what's this? Combivir....the antiretroviral drug....

You get into the car and kiss him full on the lips...."What was that for?" he asks. You just smile and say a silent prayer "Thank you God for this man you gave me, thank you because twenty years down the line, he's never broken our wedding vows. Forgive me Lord, for ever wishing I was anyone else" ....

H......is for...Home

"Staring out into the night
Trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love, and feeling good don't ever cost a thing....
I'm going home, to the place where I belong, where your love has always been enough for me....
I'm going home..."

Those are lyrics of 'Home' -one of my favourite tracks from the rock band Daughtry.

You know how no matter how old you are or how far away you are from home, its just good to have it at the back of your mind that you've got somewhere to return to at the end of the day....

Yeah, I know I'm a grown-ass woman and my home should be with my husband or something. But guess what, I don't have a husband, so my home for now is with my family.

And now I don't have a home. Its disconcerting to say the least. People keep telling me, oh you're lucky, at least y'all are grown.

To be honest, while I might not throw tantrums like a little kid, or get low grades in school, its equally as overwhelming.

I'm virtually a zombie. Just going through the motions, laughing appropriately, even making jokes.

Nobody at work suspects anything. Admittedly, my productivity is low, and I spend about four hours on the phone daily, but still...If only we knew what was going on with people beneath all the finery.

Earlier tonight I was watching a movie, I felt the tears coming on, so I switched it off to have a proper no-holds-barred, loud-ass-weeping cryfest. At least I slept for a bit so it wasn't that bad.

I was talking to my sister earlier in the day and she said I was sounding down, I just cooked up some lame excuse. She was saying that she doesn't know when to book her ticket, cos she doesn't want to be the only one at home,etc. I was almost tempted to tell her 'swthart, don't book any ticket cos there's no home to come to. Maybe you should just stay there'. But I held my tongue. She must not know, at least not until she's done with her exams. After I hung up, the tears came calling again.

I'm talking to one of my friends and he's asking what's been happening with me. I'm like nothing much, same old. And he's like "miss secretive, there's always nothing much with you". Me: o....kay, my parents are seperated. Him: you've just proven my point, if I was the one , I woulda told you". Me: Oh, how do I tell u? I'll call you up and say " Oh,u know how I go home at d weekends? Well, that's not happening. My mum,sister and the maid have moved out of the house. Its just my Dad that lives there now. So at d weekends now I'd probably just go visit dem briefly at my aunt's place and come back to...hang. No more sleeping over and going to work from there on Monday mornings, no more free food, laundry and toiletries, no more ...home"....

Its difficult to talk about stuff like this to be honest. I mean, if people don't ask, I just assume they don't wanna know, and I keep my mouth shut.

My uncle said he wants to get my Mum a place, but she refused. She said she doesn't wanna stay alone, that she believes my Dad would come to his senses.. Its understandable cos she's lived with this dude for close to thirty years, imagine now living alone. I feel bad for her, cos I know that she dint imagine her life would ever turn out like this.

I dint imagine things would turn out this way either..I have so many important decisions to make, I'm at a crossroads in my life at the moment, and now this.... I'm so overwhelmed.

If I could write a letter to this year 2011. It'll be just this.
"E don do. Na only me?"

I had a terrible 1st quarter of the year, I just started getting my life back together in May. No recovery time, then bam !!! this happened as well.

I'm tired mhen, I don't need any more sadness this year, I swear down. Its my birthday in four months,yaaay!!! at least that's one day of guaranteed happiness. ..In Jesus' name.

One thing I know that helps is interacting with true Christians. I don't mean Christians in name only, I mean people that are sold out for Christ, no gimmicks. Reading Christian blogs and literature,listening to Gods word daily also helps.

That's how I got to know about this song - 'Kurt Levar -A heart that forgives'. I've been listening to it all week and I finally got it on my phone.

I have a lotta forgiving to do. Forgiving those that hurt me when I least expected it. Especially cos I dint expect it from them.

Those that made everything I knew to be the truth become a lie. Its hard...

I'm also preparing to forgive my Dad in advance. For hitting my Mum, for taking away our home, dividing the family, embarrassing us, for destroying himself with his own hands, for not realising what's expected of him as a man, for failing us...

I hope it'll be easier for me to forgive him when the time comes, at least I've always expected him to hurt me so it doesn't really come as a shock, unlike....

P.S: So Seye was on TV two Sundays ago. Yaay Seye! if I knew way back then as freshers in Uni that u'd be running your own company in your early twenties, designing the most popular websites in the country, and even be on TV to boot, I woulda gotten your autograph way back then. Oooh, and he was nominated for a blog award - Best Technology blog. I hope voting hasn't ended or he hasn't even won already. But pls go to the Nigerian blog awards website and vote for him - Seye Kuyinu. I shoulda put this up since I went to the site to vote, but I've just been cut off from everything, and my head's been in so many places...

P.P.S: does anyone know an adhesive stronger than duct tape? I think the one I used to hold my heart in place isn't doing the trick anymore.

Home....is where the heart is. Is that why I don't feel like I've got a heart anymore?

G.....is for Gamble

"You don't know how good a road is till the rains come" -African Proverb

Its not really an African proverb, its my proverb actually.

I came up with it on the way to work yesterday. A few weeks into the rainy season, and the seemingly well-tarred roads are now filled with potholes, so messy and unrecognizable...

Life.. is gambling...

Nothing is guaranteed, and sometimes you play for really high stakes, as high as your life even.

" The best-laid plans of mice and men..."

The wealth you acquired over twenty-five years, could be lost in five months. You could get to work one morning, and find someone else sitting at your desk. That person you thought was 'the bomb', may then decide to show you how truly destructive they can be..

You think you have so many people in your life...until you're lying awake through the night,with so many things to say that you just want to know someone is there to listen to your silence...then you realize there's no one there for you but your blog....

Mama said gambling is bad, so I don't wanna play..

I don't wanna play even though I know Jesus holds the dice, so the odds are on my side. If he's for me, ultimately I'll never really lose would I? That curve-ball life just threw at me is really my boomerang

I don't wanna play...

Just wanna curl up and .... sleep. Not let anyone in, or live life... just...sleep....escape

I feel like there's a noose round my neck...

Fearless the phoenix.....

Sooooo.... I stopped writing.

Obviously...

Its probably the fear...u know when u want something so bad that u don't even wanna attempt it...

I've forgotten how to write...that's if I ever knew how to

Maybe it's because the things I'm really supposed to write about are so painful,that if I put them down on paper they'll become so real to me, and if I read about them later I might actually go mad..

Maybe that's it...

I really thought I was gonna see d A-Z challenge to d end, not even miss a day, but yet again I've gone and fallen short of even my low expectations.

I've had the G-post in my head for a couple of weeks now, even the J post and the T post...but.... *sigh*

In my head I'm fearless the writer, fashion stylist, make-up artist, critic, blogger-extraordinaire, fashionista and all-round IT girl.

In real-life I'm fearful the wallpaper and 9-5 worker,nothing else.

I go to the office, come home, lie in bed in the dark and just go through the motions, make the effort. I'm really not interested in anything anymore. Jonah's got nothing on me nowadays.

A million places I could be, a million people I could be with, but, errr, I'll pass. I just love myself and my own company, exactly as I am right now. And oddly enough, I'm happy, happy as I am right now, and that's what's really worrisome.

Restless and discontent, but happy all d same.

There's just something missing, I can't seem to place my finger on it.

Writing used to be my drug, but its like I need a new high, I'm so restless, I bore easily, blanking people out, not really getting involved.....

I'm still a voracious reader though, I probably read at least a small novel worth of stuff a day, thank God that part's not changed.

I think because my year started out really terribly and I'm still yet 2 get back 2 normal.

I'm still in shock and second-guessing myself in my subconscious.

Maybe writing about it will help, then again, maybe it won't, but I don't even know how to begin anyway.

Its almost like I don't have anything to look forward to, I'm just existing....just there...

I need to start writing again...