Turn up !!!

"Whose world is this?... "It's mine, it's mine, it's mine !!!"-Nas"

Its my 18th birthday today. Yaaay !!!

I'm thankful for innumerable blessings, thankful for this chance to live, so so thankful and grateful to God...

First high point of my day,I got a surprise cake delivered to my office!! It WAS AWESOME !!! Red velvet with cream cheese icing, my personal favourite.

I was more surprised because no one even knows my office address, but I guess when people really love you they don't mind going on Google to get it, or stylishly finding it out from someone, LOL.

First lesson of the day. Its about me. No one else. At least for now. Ultimately my happiness is my responsibility, If I'm blessed enough to have people that make me happier, then I'm really blessed indeed. I need to grow up, quit blaming or accusing people, become the best version of my own self and quit thinking about what anyone else is doing. If I died today, life will go on, and the people I think will be hurt the most might move on in a week.

"Change doesn't necessarily have to be given to you, sometimes you may have to bring change with you".

So this morning as I was getting ready to leave the house,I tried on four different outfits and my Mum had to ask if I'd resigned or something because she did not understand why I was still in the house.

In my mind I was just thinking: "I have to look really nice today,so that when my day turns out ordinary per usual,I'd still be happy because I look fine". Then I remembered someone I know who was ill for three years and as a result of the illness she couldn't wear any clothes at all for a year or so. Despite all of that,she forced herself to remain joyful,even with her skin falling off her body.

I decided to be happy today regardless, and have zero expectations. That helped a lot because the day turned out ordinary (I looked nice though). There was nothing really romantic or special about my day at all, and my boss was now telling me that if I was married I would have had an awesome day, and she started regaling me with tales of all her hubby does for her. On the other hand though, what about people that are married to lazy unromantic men that are insensitive and have no foresight? He may not even remember the day or even pick up on what he needs to do to make your day special.

So per the quote above, I decided that for my next birthday, married or not, I will plan my day out for myself, and forget anyone else. Last year's birthday was crappy and the year before's ,yet somehow I expected this year to be different. So I promise myself I will bring my own change. Its about time a lot of stuff changes really, it being a new year of my life and all.

Speaking of change, so today I did something totally out of character. This morning, I got on a bus, and I preached to the strangers on the bus. I must admit that for the first twenty minutes I thought I'd peed myself. I tried talking a couple of times and no words came out. Then I started, and it all came tumbling out. I figured, hey, if I must suffer on a bus, I might as well do God's work for this short time, since this suffering will only last for a night. However, I don't think anyone on the bus listened to me, and only one person said 'Amen' after I was done. Then one other dude decided to use it as an avenue to 'get to know me better'. Still, It was awesome!!.

I must bring change. Instead of suffering and complaining, every situation I find myself, everyone I meet must somehow reflect Christ.

So new year, new resolutions, things that have to end, others that have to begin, people that I have to detach emotionally from, a change of mindset and becoming a better person.

I was happy about everyone that genuinely remembered my birthday, and there were some that disappointed me because they had to be reminded by others later on in the day, then some dry uninspired messages but some overwhelming ones as well. I had my phones on Silent mode allday, wasn't really in the mood for calls or messages,just wanted to be by myself and reflect.

God bless you. God bless me.

Bottoms up !!!

I cheated..

Not just in the wanton way I allowed my body be ravaged by someone..less deserving,or how I that was greatly loved gave my time and resources and body to another..till it ended in disgrace and disaster

I cheated when I knew that the French toast I was served for breakfast, or the bottle of groundnut in the kitchen will leave my relatively smooth face a 'pimples paradise'...but I kept indulging, telling myself "It may not happen this time, surely I should have outgrown acne, and must everyone be a supermodel?" So I destroy the years of effort and hundreds of pounds invested in the face, because I couldn't just resist..butter..

I cheated when my 16 year old daughter asked me if I was a bad girl, because I'd told her that good girls do not allow guys touch them till they are married, but how do I explain that? since I was pregnant with her before I got married..

I cheated when I knew I was an A student but I remained coasting between Bs and Cs because I was the poster girl for crash programmes, after all deadlines don't apply to awesome people like me..

I cheated when I knew the ways to please my Lover, those things that I'd do that would make me have the best life here on earth, but I always took Him for granted, telling myself "He understands, I will do it later, He loves me unconditionally" Shoulda, coulda, woulda..and I kept short-changing myself

I cheated because I kept waiting for my life to begin, waiting for a push, as if I did not already have all I needed..I kept waiting..as if life did not have billions of other people to deal with..I kept waiting for her alert telling me "You can press the PLAY button now"..but I kept waiting for perfect conditions,waiting till I was 100%certain I would succeed..how foolish..

I cheated when I could have been kinder to my loved ones, been more selfless..but I wasn't, I let foolish pride get in the way, then I cried the loudest at her funeral, and everyone thinks its because I loved her the most, but its not just that, I cried loudest because I don't know if I would ever get over the guilt..of knowing I held a grudge till she died because she bought stuff for others but didn't buy anything for me..

I cheated when I had the opportunities to learn French and Spanish, but I kept postponing, till I got passed over for that job at the UN..I cheated when fear did not allow me learn how to drive, and I always had to be at other people's mercy whenever I couldn't get a cab..I cheated because I'd always loved to write, but I felt I was rubbish at it, so I never did,I kept letting my ideas die a natural death..I cheated because I kinda have an idea of the things I'm good at, things I have a natural flair for. But I'm scared..always scared

I cheated myself..of the best life ever..or at least the opportunities I could have taken to have the best life.. everytime I could have, but I did not..I cheated.