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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

30 Day Writer’s-Blog Challenge

In a bid to be consistent in my writing this new year I decided to jump on this blog challenge train, so I'm compelled to write everyday for 30 consecutive days, and hopefully get better from there on. The challenge consists of different areas with regards to self awareness and I will begin shortly. So here goes:

30 Day Writer's-Blog Challenge List:
1. Five ways to win your heart
2. Something you feel strongly about
3. A book you love
4. Bullet your whole day
5. Things you want to say to an ex
6. Your views on mainstream music
7. Five pet peeves
8. What you ate today
9. How important you think education is
10. Put your music player on shuffle and write
the first ten songs that play
11. Your family
12. Five guys whom you find attractive
13. Your opinion about your body and how you
comfortable you are with it
14. What you wore today
15. Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it
fits your personality
16. Something you always think "what if …"
17. Something that you are proud of
18. A problem that you have had
19. Five items you lust after
20. Your fears
21. How you hope your future will be like
22. Your academics
23. Something that you miss
24. Five words/phrases that make you laugh
25. Something you're currently worrying
26. Things you like and dislike about yourself
27. A quote to try to live by
28. Somewhere you'd like to move to or visit
29. Five weird things that you like
30. One thing you're excited about
Kind regards,

Monday, November 18, 2013

Turn up !!!

"Whose world is this?... "It's mine, it's mine, it's mine !!!"-Nas"

Its my 18th birthday today. Yaaay !!!

I'm thankful for innumerable blessings, thankful for this chance to live, so so thankful and grateful to God...

First high point of my day,I got a surprise cake delivered to my office!! It WAS AWESOME !!! Red velvet with cream cheese icing, my personal favourite.

I was more surprised because no one even knows my office address, but I guess when people really love you they don't mind going on Google to get it, or stylishly finding it out from someone, LOL.

First lesson of the day. Its about me. No one else. At least for now. Ultimately my happiness is my responsibility, If I'm blessed enough to have people that make me happier, then I'm really blessed indeed. I need to grow up, quit blaming or accusing people, become the best version of my own self and quit thinking about what anyone else is doing. If I died today, life will go on, and the people I think will be hurt the most might move on in a week.

"Change doesn't necessarily have to be given to you, sometimes you may have to bring change with you".

So this morning as I was getting ready to leave the house,I tried on four different outfits and my Mum had to ask if I'd resigned or something because she did not understand why I was still in the house.

In my mind I was just thinking: "I have to look really nice today,so that when my day turns out ordinary per usual,I'd still be happy because I look fine". Then I remembered someone I know who was ill for three years and as a result of the illness she couldn't wear any clothes at all for a year or so. Despite all of that,she forced herself to remain joyful,even with her skin falling off her body.

I decided to be happy today regardless, and have zero expectations. That helped a lot because the day turned out ordinary (I looked nice though). There was nothing really romantic or special about my day at all, and my boss was now telling me that if I was married I would have had an awesome day, and she started regaling me with tales of all her hubby does for her. On the other hand though, what about people that are married to lazy unromantic men that are insensitive and have no foresight? He may not even remember the day or even pick up on what he needs to do to make your day special.

So per the quote above, I decided that for my next birthday, married or not, I will plan my day out for myself, and forget anyone else. Last year's birthday was crappy and the year before's ,yet somehow I expected this year to be different. So I promise myself I will bring my own change. Its about time a lot of stuff changes really, it being a new year of my life and all.

Speaking of change, so today I did something totally out of character. This morning, I got on a bus, and I preached to the strangers on the bus. I must admit that for the first twenty minutes I thought I'd peed myself. I tried talking a couple of times and no words came out. Then I started, and it all came tumbling out. I figured, hey, if I must suffer on a bus, I might as well do God's work for this short time, since this suffering will only last for a night. However, I don't think anyone on the bus listened to me, and only one person said 'Amen' after I was done. Then one other dude decided to use it as an avenue to 'get to know me better'. Still, It was awesome!!.

I must bring change. Instead of suffering and complaining, every situation I find myself, everyone I meet must somehow reflect Christ.

So new year, new resolutions, things that have to end, others that have to begin, people that I have to detach emotionally from, a change of mindset and becoming a better person.

I was happy about everyone that genuinely remembered my birthday, and there were some that disappointed me because they had to be reminded by others later on in the day, then some dry uninspired messages but some overwhelming ones as well. I had my phones on Silent mode allday, wasn't really in the mood for calls or messages,just wanted to be by myself and reflect.

God bless you. God bless me.

Bottoms up !!!

Monday, April 15, 2013

I cheated..

Not just in the wanton way I allowed my body be ravaged by someone..less deserving,or how I that was greatly loved gave my time and resources and body to another..till it ended in disgrace and disaster

I cheated when I knew that the French toast I was served for breakfast, or the bottle of groundnut in the kitchen will leave my relatively smooth face a 'pimples paradise'...but I kept indulging, telling myself "It may not happen this time, surely I should have outgrown acne, and must everyone be a supermodel?" So I destroy the years of effort and hundreds of pounds invested in the face, because I couldn't just resist..butter..

I cheated when my 16 year old daughter asked me if I was a bad girl, because I'd told her that good girls do not allow guys touch them till they are married, but how do I explain that? since I was pregnant with her before I got married..

I cheated when I knew I was an A student but I remained coasting between Bs and Cs because I was the poster girl for crash programmes, after all deadlines don't apply to awesome people like me..

I cheated when I knew the ways to please my Lover, those things that I'd do that would make me have the best life here on earth, but I always took Him for granted, telling myself "He understands, I will do it later, He loves me unconditionally" Shoulda, coulda, woulda..and I kept short-changing myself

I cheated because I kept waiting for my life to begin, waiting for a push, as if I did not already have all I needed..I kept if life did not have billions of other people to deal with..I kept waiting for her alert telling me "You can press the PLAY button now"..but I kept waiting for perfect conditions,waiting till I was 100%certain I would foolish..

I cheated when I could have been kinder to my loved ones, been more selfless..but I wasn't, I let foolish pride get in the way, then I cried the loudest at her funeral, and everyone thinks its because I loved her the most, but its not just that, I cried loudest because I don't know if I would ever get over the guilt..of knowing I held a grudge till she died because she bought stuff for others but didn't buy anything for me..

I cheated when I had the opportunities to learn French and Spanish, but I kept postponing, till I got passed over for that job at the UN..I cheated when fear did not allow me learn how to drive, and I always had to be at other people's mercy whenever I couldn't get a cab..I cheated because I'd always loved to write, but I felt I was rubbish at it, so I never did,I kept letting my ideas die a natural death..I cheated because I kinda have an idea of the things I'm good at, things I have a natural flair for. But I'm scared..always scared

I cheated myself..of the best life ever..or at least the opportunities I could have taken to have the best life.. everytime I could have, but I did not..I cheated.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

I'm back....

My aunt told me years ago that I should learn to curb my laughter. She said I was developing laugh lines around my mouth. So if I must laugh I should just laugh gently. I do not think I took this advice though. I laugh heartily and contagiously. I have cried too much for me to have my laughter taken from me as well...

The laugh lines are worse now though..

Speaking Mum always has one advice or the other as well...and frankly some times I feel persecuted. In retrospect though, there are many things she nagged about that if I'd heeded, my life would be so much more different..

Shoulda..coulda..woulda...I pray against regrets every day. Like let me not realise years down the line that I should have heeded that advice, taken that opportunity, or worse realise that I messed something up irrevocably.

"The gods will not do for us what we can do for ourselves..."

I used to be a nag once upon a time..I am not near as bad as I used to be though. This is more likely because I have stopped caring too much, which I was was once guilty of. Since sometime last year my default mode has been one of indifference. I rarely get excited, or miss anything or anyone, or even look forward to stuff.

Nagging comes from a place of caring too much about someone..or something. Maybe its alright for my Mum to nag or keep harping on stuff, after all she is a 'shareholder' in my life..and its OK for some of my friends too. Like one of them virtually pushed me to further my education, after I'd been procrastinating for four years. And another one is always forcing me to make plans, and would even help me draw up a 5-year plan or 3-month plan or whatever. She scares me at times because she forces me to be accountable and set goals for myself. Even to the extent of asking me how I hope to achieve these goals...

Nagging actually works for some people...probably people like me who could lack self-motivation at times, but for some other more 'serious-minded' people, they take the advice and run with it, no time-wasting.

Maybe its when its done wrongly that it is qualified as nagging. Like how many people can say about you- "I bless God for the day I met you". Whether its because you nagged them to better themselves, or chided them when they were making or about to make mistakes, it may not really matter. What matters in the long run is if they are really wise people, when they reflect on their lives, would you have been a 'You made my life better person', or the 'Help me hold my hair while I throw up from being so drunk person'.

I think it says a lot about our mindset which of our friends or relatives we miss or value in the long run.

Friday, July 6, 2012

The sophistication of simplicity

Occam's Razor states that "If you have two equally likely solutions to a problem, choose the simplest. "

A teaspoon of salt, 5 cloves of garlic, a pinch of cayenne pepper and four cubes of seasoning. Fifteen minutes later, this soup just doesn't taste right.  Do I call Mum again? She said this is exactly what I need for this soup. Maybe I should add more pepper. I'm sure the garlic that shady grocer sold me was already rotten. I have a good mind to go over there right now, I'm so angry. Let me just call Mum first. "Mum, the soup doesn't taste like yours and I did everything exactly as you said". "Really? That's strange love. I wonder what could be wrong. After stirring I usually just leave it on for a few minutes and it turns out OK." "Oops Mum, let me call you right back, I forgot to stir the soup after adding the ingredients, silly me".  Four hours later..."Sweetheart, that meal was fantastic, what's the secret?" "Just a little stirring love, just a little stirring" ...

"This morning we put Dr (Mrs.) Taylor in our prayers, that God should heal her and bring her to him." "Amen" chorused the rest of the nurses at the hospice. As Carol went down to Mrs. Taylor's room later in the day, she was a bit apprehensive because she did not know what to expect. How can someone so vibrant and full of life now become so dull, lifeless and temperamental? Why would someone so wise be so foolish? After spending her life's savings and still not seeing any reduction in the size of the tumour, surely it was time to try another option? Giving up and just waiting for death cannot be the only way out. If only she would listen... if only she could forget her medical science for the first time and accept a higher 'science'....One year later it is with great joy that Carol reads a letter from Mrs. Taylor, thanking her for leading her to Christ, and how she expected she would only leave the hospice in a body bag, but is miraculously now hale and hearty. Emphasising how much she regrets not knowing Christ sooner and believing in him for her healing, and how she could have used her savings for the propagation of the gospel instead. After all's said and done, you had to be foolish to become wise...the sheer simplicity of the gospel of Christ.

Its Friday and I still haven't heard a word from Maxine. Its so annoying and I'm a tad scared. How did we go from talking everyday and chatting almost every hour to chatting for five minutes once in four days? Maybe Felix was right and its the stress of moving and the new job that's causing this change in her behaviour. But when I got a new job how come my own attitude did not change. Neither did it change when I became successful or had opportunities to dine with the 'high and mighty'? I think I should go ask her parents, at least they would have been the first to hear if something terrible happened to her between Tuesday and now. What if she's ill or there was an accident? I grab my phone as I get into the car, only to see a strange e-mail in my inbox. Its pictures of Maxine, my own Maxine, with different guys, and a mail explaining how she'd been seen leaving guys' apartments at odd hours, and how even at this moment I was preparing to go see her parents, she was out shopping with one of the guys, without a care in the world. I finally have confirmation of what I knew all along but did not want to say aloud. She has no regard for me any more and hasn't had time for me because her time now belongs to some other guys. It was obvious all along, I just preferred to believe something else.....

Honestly, I totally suck at writing. In any case, its not for everybody after all . Maybe some of us are just  meant to enjoy what others have written. Some people sure can write though. They take the words and give them life, make you fall in love with the words, fall in love with the author. I should just give up while I'm still ahead because these guys are just maestros. Hmmm..editing is not bad either, if I improve my grammar and vocabulary I could just stick to proofreading others' work. And then again,I could just keep writing passionately and consistently as best I can. Rome after all wasn't built in a day, and maybe the crappy writing will someday get better.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Letter to my future self

Dear Me,

As you read this letter you're in a happy place. No, you did not die, you're not in heaven, lol. You found happiness here on earth . It was in your hands all along you see. By now you should be doing that thing that we think is God's purpose for your life. Are you doing it full-time now or still part-time? Or are you still your indecisive self, wondering and wondering if it would work?

Are you still looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing Fiona from Shrek? Still letting that self-doubt creep up once in a while just because you are fat big-boned and someone cheated on you with slim babes? Remember how you went on the maple syrup diet and dint eat for days, thank God by the time your body started smelling of pepper and dead fish you came to your senses. I keep telling you, this is not important. Move on already !!! I don't know if you are now a Size 10, or you only lost the few kg you needed to fit into your old clothes, but either way, you re gorgeous. It would suprise you to know you are even a roll role model to many. The important thing is that you're fit and healthy , and most importantly that you look drop dead gorgeous in your top-of the-range outfits.

Are you dressing the way you've actualy wanted to? Utilising your fab fashion sense? Or are you still just wearing retail stuff because money no dey you want to  use the money for other things? Please babe, dress well, show what you're made of, dress in the taste you are already used to, no cutting corners anymore.

Do you write everyday now? Or you still think your writing sucks? even though Seye tells you you're a good writer and he is an expert on these things. Keep writing, we are in the business of helping people you see, so even if its just one person that your life experiences help, then baby you've done well. Besides, writing makes you happy. Did you ever apply to O magazine by the way? Or even the ones that you've had your eye on back home? Or as usual you chickened out?

Are you now a woman after God's heart? Do you practice all we've been reading for the past few years? Are you the virtuous woman the bible speaks about  in Proverbs 31? Does your husband sing your praises?  Does he hurry home each day, are his relatives glad to be associated with you? Oh yeah, forgot to mention you got married, you din't wanna do that actually, and I'll admit the guy had to bribe you/ sign some contracts and virtually had to drag you down the aisle, but you are happilly married. What people said you were wrong to ever expect is actually a reality. You have no regrets with him you see, and you never will. Isnt that what you had been asking God for all along? If only you had known, you would have trusted God sooner. He gave you an imperfect person perfect for you. No tears, peace of mind, no infidelity, you lack nothing and you are all in perfect health. Your Sherlock Holmes ways amuse him and he's even your partner in crime at times when you're trying to figure stuff out. You see, he's got nothing to hide so he doesn't feel threatened by you and he's even helping you put your talents to good use..............

So you see, there was no need to dumb down, or lose your weirdness and genius-level IQ keen mind. I'm sure you even do some PI work on the side now, lol. Oh, did you finally get a career that involves the stuff that makes you happy? i.e shoes, clothes, and books? Ohhhh, the smell of a new book...*sigh*. Are you jet-setting, shopping for the wives of the high and mighty like you've always wanted?  Did you change your family's story like your heart has desired? Are you helping people, changing lives? Is your life a testimony for Christ? Are you leaving behind a great legacy and are your children taught of the Lord? Are they living life to the fullest instead of having a late start like you did because you didn't find Christ till you were in your twenties?

Did you sort out that issue? The one you know you know the solution to deep in your heart but you just still keep wasting years of your life and blame it on confusion? I am sure you did the right thing and we are over that phase for good now.

Are you living your best life? Are you ???!!! Don't you see it? Today is the tomorrow we spoke about yesterday. So are you living or just existing? People are wicked, they always will be, but its only your own soul that is in your hands. Do you still expect so much from people and depend on them? You mastered the art of being alone for about a year so what is your problem? People will do as they want, but we will be good to them anyways, life is too short. Remember you shouldnt have given them so much power in the first place. Reclaim your life right now. 

It hurts me how you still get disappointed. People are rarely concerned about others' issues. As long as it doesn't affect them directly, they would just shrug it off and carry on with their lives. but when it gets to their own issues, watch them spring into action with an agility you never knew they possessed. And those same excuses they gave you when it was your turn or maybe didn't even bother giving you, they just ignored your issues as usual wont matter to them anymore. People always do what they really want to do. No excuses. That's why it hurts me that because you take on people's issues you expect the same from them and keep getting disappointed each day. People will tell you they would do one simple thing, and you will be waiting and waiting, expecting it even days after, when you knew as soon as they said it that they didn't mean it. They showed you their true colours the first time but you refused to believe them. Mschewww. All hope is not lost though, at least they could be the politicians of tomorrow.

You know so many things, are you practising them? How can you preach what you are not putting into practice yourself? These are all truths I could swear by. I really wish you have been adopting them for the past couple of years.

Yes you we're hurt , you we're betrayed . But didnt I promise you it'll pass? It has. You are fine now. No more panic attacks or waking up from nightmares. It was partly your fault though. Why put so much trust in a mere mortal? Maybe it affected you so severely because you have a god complex grew up believing you're a goddess and things like that happen to others and not you. Well, you're still a goddess, its not your place to make someone realise that, neither is it your fault that they took you for granted.

As you have come to realise the hard way, you can beg, cry, be the best person and be there for them but they will still do what is in their mind to do and all your pleas will fall on deaf ears. So don't beat yourself up too much about it Ok? Hope you learnt from it though? Was all the anguish worthwile in the end? Isn't it C.S Lewis that said its when we are in pain that God is shouting to us with a megaphone. So what did you learn from it? Did you turn the mess to a message? I trust u have made me proud because Adele turned her own betrayal into Grammys and millions of pounds, so we must not carry last.

You peed on yourself again today. But I know that by the time you are reading this you have already received healing. You have faith in God like never before and you have a whole new bladder. You now have 20/20 vision as well. Oh and all that time you wasted being heartbroken when you were supposed to learn French and take makeup classes, I hope you have made up for that time now?

Do your siblings still chance you take advantage of you? Sadly, I don't think that's gonna change though. What can you do about that? Are you still a great friend? A sister to those wonderful girls that have made you and their family theirs? Even if you haven't made any new friends in all this time, trust me, you are covered on that front.

You know who you are. You are all that and a bag of chips!!! Stop second-guessing yourself, dont dumb down. Keep being good, don't let those experiences turn you wild or lead you into temptation. Keep repaying evil with good always. It pays off. Give, you will always have in abundance. Love, just be more discerning. 

Oh, and I love you. Despite the strict tone, I really do. Its just your silliness that irritates me.Live your best life now. This is your moment. Celebrate everything. Nothing is promised. Pray hard, work hard, as if you've never prayed.

At the beginning of this letter when I said you were happy. Did that freak you out? Surely you remember that we discovered the secret a while ago in Ecclesiastes 12:13?

"All has been heard; the end of the matter is: Fear God [revere and worship Him, knowing that He is] and keep His commandments, for this is the whole of man [the full, original purpose of his creation, the object of God’s providence, the root of character, the foundation of all happiness, the adjustment to all inharmonious circumstances and conditions under the sun] and the whole [duty] for every man. "


Friday, June 8, 2012

So you think you can?

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” 
― C.S. LewisMere Christianity

I cannot overemphasise how much God has done in my life. I am absolutely nothing without him. No one without him. If situations were different, if I wasn't born Christian, If I did not give my life to Christ I don't know where I'l be. In fact it is terrifying....

You know how you think everything is good and rosy in that aspect of your life.... and down the line, God tells you "Think again".  So you lose the 'mansion', keep searching for a replacement... and finally get a 'hut'. Of course you don't know at the time that you are swapping a mansion for a hut, but in retrospect you start to see things differently with revelation from God.

You had to lose that mansion because when you had the mansion you felt you didn't need God, you dint need to talk to him, everything was wonderful, you were well-provided for, you weren't in tears each day , you felt good about yourself, had peace of mind and were so secure.  you could hold your head up high and were so sure of where you stood.

Then you swapped the mansion for the hut.... Why did God allow you make such a seemingly stupid decision?  Maybe its because now that you are in the hut you are in lack and barely know how you will get bread for tomorrow, so you look to the Bread of Life each day. In the hut there is nobody to talk to. You are hiding your tears and the hurts deep in your soul because there's nobody you are free to tell the way you are actually feeling it, to tell why you are acting the way you are, to tell your fears and shame..., but you now remember that wonderful friend, the one that gave his life for you and you start talking to him, telling him why this seemingly innocent incident affected you this way, why sometimes it seems like you go into a trance because you are trying to block some stuff from your memory. You can talk to him without having to hide your tears, without 'faking' laughter or excitement. You  find yourself talking out loud till people think you are running mad...

In the hut u realise all the issues of your childhood that you had buried deep inside now need to be faced and addressed because you have seen how they have come to magnify the betrayals in your life.... In the hut you don't have peace of mind, so your bible becomes part of your body, and you now make it a point of duty to ignore people's actions. You begin to recite scripture like its going out of fashion, remembering that "He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is stayed upon him"....

He allowed you exchange that mansion for that hut.... you may regret it from time to time, thinking maybe you should have stayed in the mansion.....but God needs to break you, so until you devote your life to serving him, he will mould you, remove the walls and replace the roof, clog the drains and add windows, until you realise that he is the one that brought you to this world and you are here to do his will always, to serve him and obey his commandments. Then, and only then, when you have learned what you need to know, what you should have known all along, maybe he will give you an even better mansion for the one you threw away in the past, or turn that hut into a mansion for you......After all, he is the God of ALL flesh, is there ANYTHING too hard for him?