A blessing, and a curse.....

I need to dumb down... Very sad, but its something I have to do to maintain my sanity

I have a very curious mind, and I kinda have the gift of discernment. I have been called various names over the years.. Inspector Gadget, Kay Scarpetta ( after one my fave heroines from the Patricia Cornwell series), lol

I've come to realise that it's both a blessing and a curse.

It's helped me in so many diverse ways, prevented a lotta mistakes.. but at the same time, caused so much sadness....maybe if i wasn't emotional as well, it really wouldn't matter, but the combination is not a good mix at all.

I won't let people's actions bother me anymore, I can only change myself.

Case in point, you are randomly gisting me about what a horrible day you had, how stressful work was, how when you got back home, there was no power and the generator was faulty, etc, and you later had to microwave some leftover rice for dinner, etc.. I empathize with you and we say our goodbyes.

Five seconds later I call back and ask you how you powered the microwave without electricity. Its just who I am...... I ALWAYS want to know:..my mind does not rest till it understands exactly how the equation was solved

Why did the chicken cross the road...Why is x+y =z...

But now, ....I'm past caring, I just block everything from my mind. I don't care if you went somewhere else to heat the food and it just slipped out mistakenly, or maybe there is even an innocent explanation. I really don't care. I just block it from my mind, nobody can gimme hypertension.

My girlfriend says I am the most inquisitive chic she has ever met. I usually know when someone lies to me or omits the truth, and I'd call the person out on it, or maybe if i hear something, I'll let you know what I heard and confront you, but now, even if u tell me fifteen lies per hour or I hear stuff about you, I'd never let on that I know. Its better that way.

Besides, the truth inadvertently comes out sooner or later.. Its such a small, small world. Its also interesting when you hear someone spinning lies, especially when u know the truth

If I find out someone close to me did something, like got pregnant, or maybe was even caught shoplifting, I start crying. probably because the person didn't trust me enough to tell me, or that the person had been giving me a false impression of herself all the while or that I really don't know the person... but really, why should I care? ..and why should I even care if someone makes a fool of me? I'd still keep doing good, because I know I am only paying it forward, I shouldn't treat someone bad because of that.

My friend says I am the kinda chic that when a guy tells me he loves me, I take it as the gospel. As if people don't lie, or feelings and circumstances don't change....

I take words to heart, the spoken word, especially the written word. I have always been tripped by cards, poems, text messages, etc, but now its not enough, you also have to prove yourself. Don't give me a card telling me I am the sister you never had, but when i need a shoulder to cry on, you are nowhere to be found. Say or write the words, that's fine, but also show you mean them.

Well, maybe that's just me, I don't say things just for saying sake, I actually mean what i say, so it trips me that everyone is not like me.

Now I realize that i should take everything with a pinch of salt, everyone is guilty until proven innocent.

You have to mean what you say....


Apparently I have a God-complex. Who woulda thought?....lazy, disorganized, indecisive me...

I always want to control everything, every situation, I panic when there is a paradigm shift. I want to be there for everyone, be the confidant, problem-solver, be number one in your life, want you to trust me...

I over-think, over-analyse, I always want to know the end from the beginning.

To say my brain works overtime is a gross understatement...

I really need to dumb down,... not always want to know,... not always prove I am right... not take people's actions to heart,.... not mind being taken for a fool...

Its soooo tiring being a smart ass all the time.

I thank God for my keen mind, and I hope  I utilize it to its full potential soon.

I also know for sure that the right guy for me will appreciate this gift, and not think i'm some paranoid freak, but rather help me hone the gift.

But for now, I'd just play dumb for a while, know stuff but not let on that I know, block unpleasant thoughts from my mind... and try to enjoy it thoroughly...

Some may call it denial... I call it survival

My state of mind at the moment

Long post alert.....

My heart is really really heavy, I just cant wait to be free.  I can't recall the number of  times on the way to the cinemas or something, that i have thought of veering  to the psych hospital, instead of going straight on. Its one of the reasons I started this blog, hoping it'll help me put things in perspective, and maybe serve as a  whining outlet as well. I don't know if its really helping though.. but its early days yet, seeing as I've only done three posts.

I already got two negative comments per my blog posts, and it almost made me stop blogging. So as usual, I whined to S.K and he gave me the needed boost. Speaking of.... I'm a celebrity of sorts, S.K blogged about me, yaaaay!!! It feels good to see my name in print. I don't know how to do all the fancy techie stuff, so pardon my pathetic attempt at posting a link. See link:  http://seye.blogspot.com/2011/04/i-was-first-introduced-to-shawn.html

How many people can you say really know you? Like when I started this blog, I found out that you could send an alert via e-mail to ten people whenever you put up a new post. Of the ten people, only three figured out I was the one writing, smh. Nywho, its all for the best, I'd rather remain anonymous.

So I just realized I'm quite vain. There's this beggar I see every morning, and he's always  like "Auntie, thanks for the other day'.  I stopped giving him money for two reasons, first off... dude, who is your auntie? And i know for sure he doesn't remember that I have been giving him money, he just thanks every Tom, Dick and Harry for the other day, mscheeew!! I"m kinda twisted right?


I hate my job, and honestly I suck at it it. There, I finally said it, feels good... I mean, its not like I totally suck, like I'm crap or anything, I do it well enough, but that's the ish...well enough is not good enough, by my standards, or by my boss' standard. Believe me it shows when you are not passionate about something. Sometimes at work I feel like my spirit is tryna  peel my skin off and run out of the building, then come back at close of business. I am not exaggerating.

My body is actually rebelling....If i feel so strongly, why don't I leave? Now, that's the $64,000 question.Well, if I leave I don't actually have any other concrete plans. And as it is, I don't get even 'hair money' or recharge cards from any other source. I take care of myself all by myself, so what will  I do for money? I guess i just have to suck it in and keep trying to save as much as possible. Besides, there is constant air-conditioning and I have free internet to update my blog, lol.

There are some crazy moments when I actually wished I had a rich boyfriend who'll cater for my needs while I quit my job and try to find out what I need to do with my life, while I experiment and find out what I'd be making my money from... because I truly intend to be successful  in my own right...If wishes were horses.....

I am still as terrified of marriage as ever, and everyone I talk to about is like "Fearless, there is this one guy that will make u want to get married to him, so much so that you'll be counting the days till he proposes to you.In my mind, I just laugh.... I had a heated argument with my Dad some weeks ago. We were discussing one of my male cousins and how the guy feels money is not so important, and my Dad is like "don't mind him, when he gets married and his life begins then he will know money is not only important, but essential".

So I am like, if someone doesn't get married their life hasn't begun?  And he's like society expects it. So I shd get married just because society expects it? For real???

I will only get married when I find a man worthy of all the effort I have put in to make myself a good thing. A man that I would be proud to have as the bishop and head of my home,that sees me as a treasure and knows he is responsible for me, one that  is dependable, driven and ambitious.. whose integrity is never in doubt.

I wont just get married because "ALL UR MATES ARE GETTING MARRIED'. He said I have a defeatist attitude, afterall people that are not "up to me" are taking the leap, and that if I analyse it critically, everything we do is "because society expects it".

My mum came downstairs sometime during this convo, and she was so silent I thought she'd passed out from the shock of my revelations. I later heard her snoring though, lol. Later that night, she brought out anointing oil and started binding the spirit of depression from my life, lol

I have been so disappointed by people in the past couple of months, like if there was a Richter scale for disappointment, It'll be a 9.5 at the very least. I have almost lost faith in mankind.  Almost....

I still don't feel too well, especially at night, and geting out of bed in the morning, there's this near-constant headache and nausea, I am lethargic and listless most times. I can't wait to be 100% again.

hmmmm, what else? My relationship with God has never had as much meaning to me as it does at this period, I am loving Him so much, finding myself and my beauty in Him, and realizing that the Bible holds the answer to every question I can conceive of, its a love letter to me, reminding me daily of how wonderful I am. If only I could see myself through God's eyes.... God is truly the sole repository of wisdom, I regret that it took me this long to realize that. I am amazed at how far I have come in such a while. I now find it difficult to tell a lie, and i even question my motives for each word uttered or action taken. Like W.W.J.D? Am I doing this for selfish reasons or for the person's interest?


My feel-good songs right now, well there are a lotta dance tracks I'm feeling at the mo, that I dance to in the evenings, jump on the bed to, etc.

Other songs I have on repeat...
Tye Tribett- Bless the Lord
Mercy me- I can only imagine
Ne_Yo - I don't wanna be in love
Beyonce - At last
The Script - For the first time
Taylor Swift-Forever and always

So, this post is on a looong thing already. I guess this sums up my state of mind at d mo.

Just a little sin....

'The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crises maintain their neutrality'

There is no little sin... A half-truth is a whole-lie, the opposite of Yes is No, anything other than 'I love you' is lying.

I'll use myself as an example. I have been seriously ill for over a month now, and I feel its due to a little white lie I told two days before I fell ill...

There's this guy that always wants to hang out, invites me out, etc but I always blow him off. So he sends me a text the previous weekend and as usual, I don't reply. Then he calls me during the week, and I feel very guilty. Not for blowing him off, but because I was rude, and he's a client as well. So I pick his call and tell him that I have been very ill for weeks, even been out of work, etc and of course he believes me and sympathizes with me.

Some days later, I fell ill, exactly as I described it to him. Its a month after and I still haven't recovered fully. The past four weeks were one of the worst of my life, I felt cut off from the whole world, couldn't eat or sleep, had enough injections and drips to last a lifetime. I felt so sad and alone, and during the course of the illness I lost two life-changing opportunities as a stylist and an intern for one of the biggest fashion shows in Africa.

Its the reason I am lying in bed writing this on a Sunday morning, because I don't feel well enough to go to church. All because of a simple white lie....

Case in point, one of the best couples I have ever come across. They were the envy of everyone that knew them. I later got to know that their relationship started as an affair, the chic was dating someone else when she now started getting close to this other guy.

During the course of this relationship, one of them contacted a terminal illness, was caught cheating during an exam and expelled from the University. Their story became a scandal still talked about in town, even ten years after. They later became born-again Christians, the illness was cured , but they broke up after a while. You might ask, what's the big deal? After all, people cheat all the time, and they were not even married. I wish I could answer the question.

I was watching this movie recently- 'Vicky Christina Barcelona'. There was this babe engaged to be married in a couple of months. During this period she met some other guy, spent the weekend with him and from then on she could not get him out of her mind.

She still went ahead to get married to her fiancé, but thoughts of this other guy filled her mind. One day, the other guy invited her to his house, and she went, knowing fully well that she was married and would most likely end up in his bed. Long story short, just as she was about to kiss the guy, she got shot. In that split second she remembered that she was a married woman, and how would she explain the gunshot to her husband, and what was she looking for with another guy in the first place when she had a wonderful husband waiting for her at home? That was her wake-up call. She went back home to her husband and they lived happily ever after. Not everyone is that lucky, she could have died, or even ended up destroying her marriage for such a flimsy reason.

Now, I'm not saying I know the mind of God, or that God punished me or these people for what they did, like I said, its just my thoughts.

My point is, there is always a window period, that second when you take a breath before deciding to tell a lie, before deciding to cheat on your partner instead of trying to make it work, or when you could have been assertive instead of trying to please another human being at the risk of displeasing God.

As long as you have to pause to take a breath, then you have a choice....

Sin has so many disastrous and far-reaching consequences. More than we can even imagine....

Some people get away with grievous sins while some others, like me can't even get away with a simple lie.

There are no half-measures, our conscience usually tells us but I guess over time we have seared our conscience so well that we can sin and feel no remorse at all, our moral compass is lost in transit.

"Always resist even the appearance of evil. In doing so, evil will never subdue you.."

Did you know?.... Its possible to get gonorrhea just from kissing, possible to get pregnant without having sex? That 2 out of every 10 people living with HIV contacted it through oral sex? I could go on and on, but the point is, there is no 'almost-sin' or 'I could not help it', or 'there was nothing I could do'. If you decide not to be assertive, you only have yourself to blame.

God does have a wonderful sense of humor.....

Every man for himself, God for us all.....

Everyone is selfish...or maybe most people are. I am not though, or at least I don't think I am, to a large extent.

I am sick and tired of being this unselfish person, of shelving my plans for others, of making people my priority when I am only an option.

Its the little things..

From someone telling you to travel with her to see her in-law in two weeks, you go get a new dress, and cancel all your plans for that weekend. Then she calls you to tell you she is already on the way there. And in my mind, I'm like 'dude, I was ready to risk my life to travel with you, I even cancelled the appointments I had this weekend' but I just wish her a safe trip, and don't remind her that she asked me to go with her in the first place.

Or you borrow money to get a laptop with the intention of Skyping with someone that did not even have any plans for you in the first place.

Those are two scenarios I just made up, but its just what it is.

Why plan your time around people, when if given the same opportunity, they would make their own plans, and tell you about it later, not considering you at all, but if given the opportunity you would try to work around it till the last possible minute, just so you can have time together.

Maybe its just that I don't have any goals of my own, that's why I put people's needs first...Maybe I'm just plain stupid and naive.

If someone cannot give you their time, it probably follows that they will not give you material things either.

Everyone is selfish, but some people prove me wrong...

I have a friend doing his PHD at the moment. He is uber busy, one of the most hardworking people I know, and under tremendous pressure to boot. This week alone he had to write two proposals,that's apart from all the experiments he has to conduct, yet he always takes time out to know how I am doing, ALWAYS. As a matter of fact I virtually know his itinerary by heart. I sent him a list of books and movies I wanted him to get for me, and he told me the books we're pretty expensive, but he'd get some for me and download the rest. He also took the time out to search for the movies and download for me. This is someone that has three jobs, working on his thesis and barely has time to breathe. He even told me to ask him for money if I need any, despite the fact that he's got so many expenses and has been the head of the family from a very young age.
I have another friend that's many time-zones ahead of me,eight hours away but he always makes time for me. I can't recall the amount of times I have woken him up from sleep just to whine. He's my shrink and ally rolled in one.
There are numerous examples of people that go out of their way for me, but I just used these examples because it's barely a year since I got close to both guys, yet they have been such a blessing to me.

What inspired me to write this post?

I bought my sister a ticket online, made a mistake in the booking and had to pay extra. After doing that I couldn't afford the return ticket. So I tell her, and she says she's not coming anymore, that she can't go through the stress of going to get a ticket over the counter, especially now that there are no flights because everyone's travelling, yada yada yada... and I am on the phone in shock... I would probably have squeezed out the money for another ticket but her attitude killed me. This is someone I was so looking forward to seeing, I had so many things planned for noth of us already then she gives me this BS. And the worst thing is e-tickets are non-transferrable so my money is gone down the drain.

Its the little things, yet its the important things...

Sooooo.. I have decided that from here on, I need to become a selfish chic, or at least just save my selflessness for those that actually deserve it. But I haven't the foggiest idea how to go about it. How do I just learn to put myself first?

Answers, anyone?