My state of mind at the moment

Long post alert.....

My heart is really really heavy, I just cant wait to be free.  I can't recall the number of  times on the way to the cinemas or something, that i have thought of veering  to the psych hospital, instead of going straight on. Its one of the reasons I started this blog, hoping it'll help me put things in perspective, and maybe serve as a  whining outlet as well. I don't know if its really helping though.. but its early days yet, seeing as I've only done three posts.

I already got two negative comments per my blog posts, and it almost made me stop blogging. So as usual, I whined to S.K and he gave me the needed boost. Speaking of.... I'm a celebrity of sorts, S.K blogged about me, yaaaay!!! It feels good to see my name in print. I don't know how to do all the fancy techie stuff, so pardon my pathetic attempt at posting a link. See link:  http://seye.blogspot.com/2011/04/i-was-first-introduced-to-shawn.html

How many people can you say really know you? Like when I started this blog, I found out that you could send an alert via e-mail to ten people whenever you put up a new post. Of the ten people, only three figured out I was the one writing, smh. Nywho, its all for the best, I'd rather remain anonymous.

So I just realized I'm quite vain. There's this beggar I see every morning, and he's always  like "Auntie, thanks for the other day'.  I stopped giving him money for two reasons, first off... dude, who is your auntie? And i know for sure he doesn't remember that I have been giving him money, he just thanks every Tom, Dick and Harry for the other day, mscheeew!! I"m kinda twisted right?


I hate my job, and honestly I suck at it it. There, I finally said it, feels good... I mean, its not like I totally suck, like I'm crap or anything, I do it well enough, but that's the ish...well enough is not good enough, by my standards, or by my boss' standard. Believe me it shows when you are not passionate about something. Sometimes at work I feel like my spirit is tryna  peel my skin off and run out of the building, then come back at close of business. I am not exaggerating.

My body is actually rebelling....If i feel so strongly, why don't I leave? Now, that's the $64,000 question.Well, if I leave I don't actually have any other concrete plans. And as it is, I don't get even 'hair money' or recharge cards from any other source. I take care of myself all by myself, so what will  I do for money? I guess i just have to suck it in and keep trying to save as much as possible. Besides, there is constant air-conditioning and I have free internet to update my blog, lol.

There are some crazy moments when I actually wished I had a rich boyfriend who'll cater for my needs while I quit my job and try to find out what I need to do with my life, while I experiment and find out what I'd be making my money from... because I truly intend to be successful  in my own right...If wishes were horses.....

I am still as terrified of marriage as ever, and everyone I talk to about is like "Fearless, there is this one guy that will make u want to get married to him, so much so that you'll be counting the days till he proposes to you.In my mind, I just laugh.... I had a heated argument with my Dad some weeks ago. We were discussing one of my male cousins and how the guy feels money is not so important, and my Dad is like "don't mind him, when he gets married and his life begins then he will know money is not only important, but essential".

So I am like, if someone doesn't get married their life hasn't begun?  And he's like society expects it. So I shd get married just because society expects it? For real???

I will only get married when I find a man worthy of all the effort I have put in to make myself a good thing. A man that I would be proud to have as the bishop and head of my home,that sees me as a treasure and knows he is responsible for me, one that  is dependable, driven and ambitious.. whose integrity is never in doubt.

I wont just get married because "ALL UR MATES ARE GETTING MARRIED'. He said I have a defeatist attitude, afterall people that are not "up to me" are taking the leap, and that if I analyse it critically, everything we do is "because society expects it".

My mum came downstairs sometime during this convo, and she was so silent I thought she'd passed out from the shock of my revelations. I later heard her snoring though, lol. Later that night, she brought out anointing oil and started binding the spirit of depression from my life, lol

I have been so disappointed by people in the past couple of months, like if there was a Richter scale for disappointment, It'll be a 9.5 at the very least. I have almost lost faith in mankind.  Almost....

I still don't feel too well, especially at night, and geting out of bed in the morning, there's this near-constant headache and nausea, I am lethargic and listless most times. I can't wait to be 100% again.

hmmmm, what else? My relationship with God has never had as much meaning to me as it does at this period, I am loving Him so much, finding myself and my beauty in Him, and realizing that the Bible holds the answer to every question I can conceive of, its a love letter to me, reminding me daily of how wonderful I am. If only I could see myself through God's eyes.... God is truly the sole repository of wisdom, I regret that it took me this long to realize that. I am amazed at how far I have come in such a while. I now find it difficult to tell a lie, and i even question my motives for each word uttered or action taken. Like W.W.J.D? Am I doing this for selfish reasons or for the person's interest?


My feel-good songs right now, well there are a lotta dance tracks I'm feeling at the mo, that I dance to in the evenings, jump on the bed to, etc.

Other songs I have on repeat...
Tye Tribett- Bless the Lord
Mercy me- I can only imagine
Ne_Yo - I don't wanna be in love
Beyonce - At last
The Script - For the first time
Taylor Swift-Forever and always

So, this post is on a looong thing already. I guess this sums up my state of mind at d mo.