Trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love, and feeling good don't ever cost a thing....
I'm going home, to the place where I belong, where your love has always been enough for me....
I'm going home..."
Those are lyrics of 'Home' -one of my favourite tracks from the rock band Daughtry.
You know how no matter how old you are or how far away you are from home, its just good to have it at the back of your mind that you've got somewhere to return to at the end of the day....
Yeah, I know I'm a grown-ass woman and my home should be with my husband or something. But guess what, I don't have a husband, so my home for now is with my family.
And now I don't have a home. Its disconcerting to say the least. People keep telling me, oh you're lucky, at least y'all are grown.
To be honest, while I might not throw tantrums like a little kid, or get low grades in school, its equally as overwhelming.
I'm virtually a zombie. Just going through the motions, laughing appropriately, even making jokes.
Nobody at work suspects anything. Admittedly, my productivity is low, and I spend about four hours on the phone daily, but still...If only we knew what was going on with people beneath all the finery.
Earlier tonight I was watching a movie, I felt the tears coming on, so I switched it off to have a proper no-holds-barred, loud-ass-weeping cryfest. At least I slept for a bit so it wasn't that bad.
I was talking to my sister earlier in the day and she said I was sounding down, I just cooked up some lame excuse. She was saying that she doesn't know when to book her ticket, cos she doesn't want to be the only one at home,etc. I was almost tempted to tell her 'swthart, don't book any ticket cos there's no home to come to. Maybe you should just stay there'. But I held my tongue. She must not know, at least not until she's done with her exams. After I hung up, the tears came calling again.
I'm talking to one of my friends and he's asking what's been happening with me. I'm like nothing much, same old. And he's like "miss secretive, there's always nothing much with you". Me: o....kay, my parents are seperated. Him: you've just proven my point, if I was the one , I woulda told you". Me: Oh, how do I tell u? I'll call you up and say " Oh,u know how I go home at d weekends? Well, that's not happening. My mum,sister and the maid have moved out of the house. Its just my Dad that lives there now. So at d weekends now I'd probably just go visit dem briefly at my aunt's place and come back to...hang. No more sleeping over and going to work from there on Monday mornings, no more free food, laundry and toiletries, no more ...home"....
Its difficult to talk about stuff like this to be honest. I mean, if people don't ask, I just assume they don't wanna know, and I keep my mouth shut.
My uncle said he wants to get my Mum a place, but she refused. She said she doesn't wanna stay alone, that she believes my Dad would come to his senses.. Its understandable cos she's lived with this dude for close to thirty years, imagine now living alone. I feel bad for her, cos I know that she dint imagine her life would ever turn out like this.
I dint imagine things would turn out this way either..I have so many important decisions to make, I'm at a crossroads in my life at the moment, and now this.... I'm so overwhelmed.
If I could write a letter to this year 2011. It'll be just this.
"E don do. Na only me?"
I had a terrible 1st quarter of the year, I just started getting my life back together in May. No recovery time, then bam !!! this happened as well.
I'm tired mhen, I don't need any more sadness this year, I swear down. Its my birthday in four months,yaaay!!! at least that's one day of guaranteed happiness. ..In Jesus' name.
One thing I know that helps is interacting with true Christians. I don't mean Christians in name only, I mean people that are sold out for Christ, no gimmicks. Reading Christian blogs and literature,listening to Gods word daily also helps.
That's how I got to know about this song - 'Kurt Levar -A heart that forgives'. I've been listening to it all week and I finally got it on my phone.
I have a lotta forgiving to do. Forgiving those that hurt me when I least expected it. Especially cos I dint expect it from them.
Those that made everything I knew to be the truth become a lie. Its hard...
I'm also preparing to forgive my Dad in advance. For hitting my Mum, for taking away our home, dividing the family, embarrassing us, for destroying himself with his own hands, for not realising what's expected of him as a man, for failing us...
I hope it'll be easier for me to forgive him when the time comes, at least I've always expected him to hurt me so it doesn't really come as a shock, unlike....
P.S: So Seye was on TV two Sundays ago. Yaay Seye! if I knew way back then as freshers in Uni that u'd be running your own company in your early twenties, designing the most popular websites in the country, and even be on TV to boot, I woulda gotten your autograph way back then. Oooh, and he was nominated for a blog award - Best Technology blog. I hope voting hasn't ended or he hasn't even won already. But pls go to the Nigerian blog awards website and vote for him - Seye Kuyinu. I shoulda put this up since I went to the site to vote, but I've just been cut off from everything, and my head's been in so many places...
P.P.S: does anyone know an adhesive stronger than duct tape? I think the one I used to hold my heart in place isn't doing the trick anymore.
Home....is where the heart is. Is that why I don't feel like I've got a heart anymore?
