long time coming...

this is so difficult to write....and i hope to write in a more explicit way as time goes on

i was cheated on, and it hit me hard. hard is putting it mildly to be honest. its not just the hatred u feel towards the parties involved. its not just that the person cheated on u, its the fact that it makes u doubt everything u ever believed in. its the fact that it makes u doubt yourself, and leads you to do things you wont necessarily have done, things ur ashamed of....

i have forgiven,but i know i will never forget.because i no that even after all this time, even now, that i spend hours talking to God, telling him to take this my heart away and give me a new one, that i am tired of the bitterness and hatred everytime i remember, that i am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what i see. hating what i see at this crucial time when i need to look my best, when i need to be able to tell myself that all this dint happen to me cos some mere mortal felt i wasnt good enough.

my validity has and will always come from God. i have never felt the need to prove myself or doubt myself. i have always felt i was all that, not the richest or tallest or finest or most intelligent, but all that... until i was cheated on and i started examining every aspect of myself like a big fool

i guess i set myself up in the first place because i was looking up to a human being, and looking back now i realise that i made another human being like me an idol in my heart. i shoulda known better, i know better. i should judge the fruits, the actions, not the words. i saw all the preceding cruelty even before the cheating eventually happened but i still listened to people's excuses for the cruel behaviour. i look back now and i am ashamed at the gallons of tears i wasted, plans i had for my self-development that I did not end up its not pursuing cos i was crying !!!

i hate that i dont feel anything anymore, I'm just...numb... and i hate that sometimes i think terrible thoughts instead of remembering that vengeance is the Lord's.

I am ashamed, that it affected me this way, and i wonder why I am writing all of this on here now cos the purpose is defeated. How do i help someone when i havent even helped myself? how long does God want me to be in agony for, and what does he want me to learn? he said i should forgive, and i honestly have forgiven. and to be fair there is only one person i need to forgive in this issue because thats the peson that allowed all of this to happen, i have no business with any girl because if she wasnt given the invitation then there is nothing she could have done that would have led to all of this. so rili i ve forgiven the only person that i should actually have an issue with, and i wonder.

I have told God, to break me, to take this my heart away, this heart that still feels such strong hatred sometimes that it shames me, i have asked him to do what he wants, but he should restore me.

I choose his will above mine always but i need my healing, and i dont know what else he wants from me. i have learned to trust him alone above all else, that only God should be true and every man a liar. i have learned to live an upright life, to always hide God's words in my heart that I may not sin against him. i have learned not to listen to people's words but judge their actions instead. i have learned to listen to God always and never doubt him. it is with great shame now that i remember how i had dreamt of all that eventually happened but i still kept doubting it, i discarded my own instincts and was listening to blatant lies. i have learned that cheating should never ever be in my vocabulary, because i know now what it can do. i have learned so many things and i still dont know what God wants from me.

i have wept uncontrollably while praying to him, and begged him and fasted, and i honestly dont know what else to do. sometimes i am wracked with so much pain that i start trembling uncontrollably and i can literally feel my heart in my chest. i have felt pain, i know what pain is now, because up until then i did not even know that someone could feel their own heart until i felt mine, aching....

i hate what this has turned me into, hate that it made me one of those babes i also used to laugh at back in the day, babes that were feeling confident with one guy not knowing all the stuff the guy was doing behind their back. i hate the humiliation and the fact that i will never ever be sure, because i have also been that other girl, the one that the guy claims he loves his girlfriend yet he seems to have so much time for me, so i will never know, never know what actually transpired, i will live with the fact that the babes will laugh at me in their mind and say "oh, she wasn't all that anywayz, if she wasi wont have had her man"..."he liked me too and he probably dint pursue it because he knows I have a boyfriend,otherwise he would have dumped her" or he probably dint take it further cos he's scared of the babe,or "because circumstances have changed between them now that's why he's not as close to me as before anymore", or "i know the connection i had with him, i know the personal stuff he shared with me so i still have a hold on him, he will never be able to shun me"....

its so funny how in life such a seemingly insignificant event could lead to the point of no return, could lead to the destruction of an investment..

i hate the fact that some nondescript, irrelevant girl became part of my story, through no fault of mine. i would never ever wish this on my enemy. i will forgive, have forgiven, but i wont forget..

I am just waiting on God, that he will speak once and i will hear him twice, but above all, his will above mine. he knows the end from the beginning and if there are some lessons I am actually supposed to have learnt and have not, then his will be done

but i dont need this, not now...not now

the word of God has been keeping me going, and I have been confessing this verse: "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. Hosea 6:1