Niagara falls

A lot has been happening...not really tbh, lol. but surely a lot must have been happening otherwise I wont have been off this space for so long. Happy New Year everyone... i wish you all you wish yourself and more.

This year began in tears for me. While everyone was jubilating in church with screams of "Happy New Year", yours truly was sobbing uncontrollably and even had to be led out of the auditorium. I was praying about the past year and it all came flooding back so vividly. Pain is real mhen, its not only by physical wounds...

I had my first written test in class today, and it went well, at least i think so because the tutor almost had to come force the pen outta my fingers cos I was last to finish. surprisingly, I had a lot to write, mostly because i really understood what i was writing, as opposed to just cramming the theory. there were some parts i did not finish explaining though, but I give God all the glory cos I was a bundle of nerves in the hours leading to the test. Please pray for my continued success in this and other courses.

the past few days have been a mix of fun and drama. it was my uncle's birthday over the weekend and i dont particularly like him tbh. so evry1 else called to wish him a happy birthday,but i did not call till the next day. consequently my aunt reported that to my Mum and it really spoilt my mood and affected my reading for the test. my friend called me later that night and i was tryna narrate d incident cos i was so upset and just took that opportunity to talk about it to someone outside my family, and surprisingly I started crying again, like this is almost five years after the whole ish , even though I've forgiven the man I was crying almost through the whole convo. He treated me like crap and made me feel worthless. and even though i've forgiven him now, just seeing or talking to him can alter my mood dramatically.

in retrospect I realise that I am a very emotional person and I always operate in two extremes. Its either I am very quiet about something and the day I finally decide to voice out, it would be quite gory. or maybe i talk and talk about the same issues then when i get tired of talking i just keep quiet. this is even worse cos my coping mechanism for this is that the person is dead to me and i'm just numb. so i just go through the motions, talk as appropriate but things may never get back to normal.

Relationships with people could be really tricky tbh. I still haven't been able to achieve the balance, but i try as much as possible to be at peace with all men. however the bible does not say i have to be close to people at all cost so....

so when the bible says we should guard our hearts with all diligence, apart from things we watch, or hear our read, maybe it also relates to issues like this, like when you start seeing the warning signs, when you realise that the person talks from both sides of the mouth for instance, then you should start taking pre-emptive measures. this is probably extreme, but at least some messy issues could be avoided. we should be at peace with all men, and thats what i try to do, i made a mental list of everyone that really hurt me and forgave them. understandably, some are more difficult than others and you need divine intervention, lol. i still discussed this with my pastor again last week and things are looking up....

its so bad that I told my brother yesterday that if in the worst case scenario, God forbid my enemy died and there was no money to bury me, that he should cremate me and scatter my ashes instead of going to that uncle for money.

maybe i should have moved out of his house before things got to a head, damning the consequences. i tried talking to my folks about it but I guess they were biased, so I continued suffering in silence and the resentment doubled.

so this whole issue put a damper on my weekend a bit.

watched the grammys and I tore up seriously, like niagara falls ish. Hardwork really pays mhen. Adele is really young but she's done so well for herself, and all this came about cos she was heartbroken. its such a shame cos my heart was shattered broken as well, and i did not even put it to good use.i cant sing to save my life so thats def out of it, lol, but maybe i'l write a book, or something. maybe it could even be this blog that i'l use to help someone somehow...its so funny sometimes when you are thinking of something randomly, and you dont know its actually God putting those thoughts in your heart, then someone else says the exact thing you were thinking and you're like wooow.

some days ago i was thinking about how i havent been blogging and that i should start writing again, no matter how random, cos i know that sharing stuff could help someone that may read this even a year down the line...later that day i attended a women's conference and the speaker talked about being passionate and helping people, even with your limited resources, and guess what? she mentioned blogging and i was amazed.. so i'm def gonna be blogging more regularly. do i hear a yaaay? no?.. lol

this epistle post wont be complete without mentioning whitney's death. it was niagara falls again for me all through, especially when bishop t.d jakes and tyler perry gave their eulogies. and what tripped me the most is that as usual the master planner, my Lord Jesus showed himself once again. his name was glorified to the whole world, for three hours on CNN. in these times where the media is always PC and any mention of God or Jesus is carefully edited. I'm sure lives were saved and backslidden souls found their way back home.

one of Whitney's songs that touched me most is "Almost had it all". its so sad and true. as a matter of fact i feel almost could be one of the deadliest words ever, especially when you had all the opportunities to prevent something from happening but you did not.

God help us all....