D....is For...Dad

Did I ever tell u about my family's 'almost' claim-to-fame? You see, we're prolly supposed to be really wealthy, by virtue of my Dad's extraordinary talent.

I really wish he had utilized it properly, especially tending towards the compensation aspect.

You see, my Dad can bear malice for Africa.

Maybe if there was an Olympics event.... or he could even have participated in a psych experiment or something.... Yeah, I no I'm reaching here, but seriously though..

To be honest, its hella tiring, and saddening. About 6 weeks ago,the tension at home was palpable and it went on for a whole month. I should be used to it seeing as he's kept malice with my Mum for a whole year in the past and she finally had to kneel to beg him on Xmas morning.

Nywho, one Saturday, i decided I'd had enough and took d opportunity of a long-winded convo he had with me about "why I had to use mushrooms in d sauce knowing fully well that mistakes happen and the mushrooms could be poisonous, etc." so at the end of that convo I decided to take the plunge

F: This malice-keeping thing is tiring and saddening.

D:What???

F: This malice-keeping is tiring and saddening. Its been going on for over a month now, even all the while I was ill and I'm sure its part of d reason I didn't get well on time.

D: Grab a chair

F: I don't know what's really wrong and I honestly don't care, I talked to Mum about it and I couldn't make head or tail of what she was saying. But I recall that its now become your M.O, there was even a whole year u didn't talk to her and its just.. sad

D:Yes, i admit that there were many tyms that happened, esp before we moved to this house, but it has gotten much better since we got here. She did something bad to me, so rather than get violent, i just don't say anything.

F:be that as it may,ur happiness is in ur hands. its just you both and the maid alone in this house, so u r happy coming home, not talking to anybody till you get to work the next day? how is that even helping your health? ud just age faster. there are many things in life that are out of our control, but the things that are in our hands, we should do our absolute best to make it work. that's why u see many poor, happy families, or families with disabilities, yet they are happy.

D:yes, but she did something really bad, thats y she dint even bother to tell you

F:alright, but r u sayn now that ud never talk to her as long as u live? u'd prolly talk 2 her at some point, even if its in 2 years. so, in 2yrs does d grievance somewhat lessen?isnt it stl d same offence? whether tomorrow or in 10 yrs? so y put a date 2 ur 'salvation"? besides, u no u shdnt bother dropping offering in church?

D:*silence*......all m sayn is some men hit their wives, i don't, i have nothing more to say to you...

by d next tym i went home, he'd started talkn 2 her, but tbh i rili dunno where i got the courage to say all of that to him, but i guess when a goat is pushed to the wall, it has no choice but to attack. i almost puked during that convo cos i ws lyk seriously? u deserve a medal cos u dont hit ur wife???? 4 real???

This is just to give you an insight into this man i call my father, the man that brought me to this world. you have no idea how many tyms my siblings and i have wished my parents got divorced years ago and my mum remarried a wonderful man.

I used to be a rich kid, not sooo rich but at least comfortable. so imagine my shock when a coupla years ago i realised that i was just average, that i couldnt just travel out at the drop of a hat, that every major expense now had to be carefully budgeted, that gone were the days when my parents would put my brother and i on a plane accompanied at the drop of a hat, that i had to go out by public transport for the 1st tym in my 3rd yr in Uni and not have a driver waiting for me? i had a discussion with my brother recently and his take was that my Dad prolly squandered d wealth, or dint hustle as he shd have, or missed out on opportunities due to pride. m not sayn money is the most important thing, but stl i used to be a bit resentful.

My frd says i've got daddy issues. maybe, maybe not. but growing up the way i did, i've got 2b xtra careful, not least because i cant suffer 2ce in life- suffer in my youth and suffer when m older, or because i need a guy that'l be the father i 'never' had, or because i cant let my mother suffer in vain, then now not make her proud with my own choice of partner.

There was a time he was abroad for 6 months. that was the happiest period in our house so far. nobody even missed him. we were happy, it was...easy.

Its difficult walking on eggshells all the time, even till now, when u dont no when or what is gonna trigger the next tantrum, when ur sis calls u in d middle of d nyt 2 tell u dat he's broken all d dishes in d house, expensive dishes dat my mum spent her hard-earned money on. and that he's cut himself in d process so there's blood allover the place, and that my mum has locked herself in her room all night. Or they call to tell me that my mum was locked outta d house. its understandable when he locks us out, but my mum too, for real??

its y i cant stand stingy guys, cos i dont wanna be lyk my mum, who's married but lives like a single woman. cant stand selfish guys, cant stand a guy that does not motivate me spiritually, i dont want to be unequally yoked like my Mum is.

its y i wld react so violently to someone that as much as slaps me, cos ve been down that road before, countless instances when i was belted to within an inch of my life, for flimsy reasons lyk "pretending to be asleep when he got back from work', but the real reason being to punish my mum wt the screams she'd hear in her room. screams that woke the neighbors from sleep... times when the good quality leather belt would split in two as i was being belted, and he'd send someone to fetch another belt so he'd continue. when i'd go to school with welts all over my arms, and have some nosy classmates ask me stupid questions.

its y i c any form of abuse as a personal affront. u dont need to hit someone to abuse them. at least when you hit someone the scars are visible right? what about emeotional abuse? when nobody can see the numerous cracks in ur heart held together by cellotape? where nobody can see that ur self esteem and confidence have been taken down a few pegs cos of som1's behaviour 2wards you. where u begin to second-guess yourself or your worth?

its y i used to say i wanted to get married to someone ten years older, cos he'd know better how he should be a lover,father n friend as well as a husband. cos he'd c me as his responsibility, wont be stingy or selfish, wont make our home a volatile territory lyk Iraq...

My Mum and my aunt make excuses for him, saying he's d way he is cos he's from a polygamous home with a lotta sibling rivalry and fetishists, or because his parents are from different tribes so he doesn't have any culture to speak of, hence bad manners, bad behaviour, etc.

My aunt recently told my sis that she would never talk to me again if i get married to someone with parents from different tribes. I was shocked. Its wrong for she and my mum to generalise cos of my Dad's actions. Its even wronger to make excuses for his behavior cos of his background.
We are who we are, not because of our circumstances, but in spite of them.

Even if he did not have the advantage of a happy home he should have made it his life's duty to have one. should have learnt from people, read books, he should have even imbibed culture and manners.

The bible says honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long...

He also has his good sides, always ensuring we had enough fuel ion the midst of nationwide scarcity. always ensuring we were well protected, getting guns and dogs in case of any eventuality. i rem when we were much younger, and there were riots in town, my dad would have someone cover his shift, roads were blocked so he couldnt drive down, and he'd walk all the way to our school, put me on his shoulders and take my brother by the hand, and walk back to the office again. he ensured we got the best education, that we were exposed and cultured. vernacular wasnt allowed in our house while growing up, cos he wanted us to speak "Queen's English". my mum also told me about the time they were courting, and he heard on TV that salaries in the state my mum was at the time hadnt been paid. he filled his car with foodstuff and travelled all the way down to see her, gave her money and was upset that she hadnt told him she wasnt paid...of all the times that my sisters and i have asked her about their past together, thats the only instance she has been able to cite. it was a good deed, but 4real?? thats all you could rem dat he did for you after how many years of dating? she still mantains she has no regrets though.

but that's not the point, the point is he also has his good sides.

Now... he respects me and asks me to help him out with various things.

but still, the scars are real, the memories still haunt me. i still look at my Mum and wish i could get her out of there, wish i was capable of giving her the kinda life she deserves. still look at her sometimes and d sadness i feel is overwhelming.

its y i am so guarded and reserved, its y i cant, i wont, i mustn't make a mistake.

D... is for Dad, he brought me into this world and for that i'm grateful. he's my father and for that i must honor him regardless.

D...is for dread, that it won't be a vicious cycle, that i wont make the same mistake, that i will give my children a good father. its the least i can do...