I ...Is for Insouciance

For want of a nail the shoe was lost,
for want of a shoe the horse was lost,
for want of a horse the knight was lost,
for want of a knight the battle was lost,
for want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
So a kingdom was lost—all for want of a nail.

Insouciance is unconcern, indifference, a lackadaisical attitude, or being worry-free so to speak...

As much as we are all subject to Gods design for our lives, we still have to keep doing all we can, and put in our best, and not take things or people for granted,or we end up losing opportunities,destroying our careers, disappointing our families. We cannot afford to just 'see how it goes', or have an 'it doesn't really matter attitude' or keep passing our responsibilities to other people..because the consequences could be far worse than we could ever imagine

While its quite impossible to live a worry-free life, sometimes you just have to stop caring.

Three days ago, I wrote the saddest post of my life, and while i cant say it dint shatter me, or that the humiliation and betrayal is not real, but I had to be insouciant to get better. I say 'get better' because i cant say get over it. To say get over it means its something that happened a long time ago that I'm trying to forget.

This is stuff that's still happening, the people laughing are still laughing, still making jokes and talking about him and the other babes, about their bodies, stuff that i still cant believe in my wildest dreams...and i still cant hold my head up over there, so time will tell if i've truly overcome....like will I be able to face all the people involved one day and still feel fine?

Each time i tell my sis that i'm fine she doesn't believe me, she keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, cos she says trust is my thing, and i always have to trust people or they don't exist for me anymore. maybe she's right and I'm actually in denial cos to be honest i ve almost lost all faith in people..

I don't wanna tempt fate and risk seeing all these people anytime soon, but the main thing is i'm coping right now, because i stopped caring, cos if you don't feel any love than you cant feel hatred right? so i stopped caring, my heart just feels ...empty...so maybe sometimes insouciance isn't such a bad thing. If i did not care at the outset, then i wont have been hurt as much.. so yeah i stopped caring totally.

I'm not trying to down play anyone's pain, or feel like superwoman or that I'm stronger than anyone..its not the same for everyone to be honest, but maybe I've just reached my own pain threshold and i don't get surprised or hurt anymore, cos there's only so much a heart can take after all..but my point is that you will be happy again someday, especially if you dint even deserve it in the first place, but me I've left all of them in God's hands and I'm tryna make the best of my life

Sometimes I feel like I'm on opium,and i think this is how the joy of the Lord actually feels, like you find out stuff right now that's supposed to run you mad, and instead you smile even as you find out that the person that betrayed you dint just betray you, but keeps twisting the knife in over and over again even a year after the 'mistake'.

You smile even when you're sooo angry with yourself for believing the lies, for believing that everything is in the past, when even a year after, you are still getting more and more humiliated. and its so ridiculous..

But I'm truly happy right now....and this is a high that i pray never wears off..
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