Wooooow

2011 was truly epic mhen !! I just peed in a cup on the bus on my way to church. I'm sure the cameras on the bus got me. Hope I don't get arrested or something. Oh I also peed in a bin in church in September. D devil is a liar !!!
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Reflections.....and looking forward

Its another New Year's Eve. My first away from home. I'd hoped to experience some of the typical 'eve experience' for the first time this year, with all the fireworks, hanging with friends and kissing my boyfriend at midnight. But hey, that's not happening. C'est la vie right?

2011 was the year !!!! Even in my wildest dreams I couldn't have imagined what the year had in store for me. But thank God for Jesus and the Holy Spirit cos I won't have survived otherwise. Heartbreak, illness, unfulfilled goals,problems at home....!!!

My blessing are innumerable however, and even if I had a million tongues I can't thank God enough. Daily testimonies...There is a lotta baggage and unresolved issues I thought I'd have gotten closure on before d year runs out but I'm still in limbo and its sooo frustrating.

But I'm finding peace with myself now, and things are not getting to me like before because I've realised that they are really unimportant. The year is ending on a good note, the past few days have been so much fun...

I thank God for everything, the miracles, his mercies, betrayals, thank him for life.

2011 was epic !!!! So many tears, revelations I couldn't fathom...I have no idea what 2012 will hold, but there are a few truths I've come to realise this year that I believe will help me cope regardless:

No Jesus, no nothing. Our walk with God is the most important thing in our lives, after all, eternity is not a joke. Besides, there are times in life when God is ALL we have left. Enough said!

The heart of man is truly desperately wicked, honestly I cannot overemphasize this. Its just best to put trust in God alone

Carpe diem - sieze the day. No waiting, no parking, no loitering, lol. But seriously, no arranging your life around people that have showed they are not worth it..... There's a question I once heard that got me thinking. "What would you do if failure wasn't an option?" If it was absolutely impossible for you to fail in an endeavour or action or vocation, what is that thing you've been putting off that you will do?

You never know...u just never know. You don't know what you will do until u are faced with a particular situation. You don't know if that seemingly happy couple are just putting up a public facade but one of them actually hates the other due to a previous grievance. You don't know if someone is secretly depressed, or even dropping hints which you ignored, and they commit suicide the next day....

Maybe the world will actually end in 2012 per the rumours, after all nobody knows the day right?

So have you really lived? Or are you just existing?

Happy New Year everyone!!!!
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Keeping up appearances

Nowadays its getting increasingly difficult for me to be out in public

People probably think I'm a snob or something. Understandably so, after the first two or three times I've told them 'Oh, I dint see you there'

But the truth is, I really did not see them. I could make out their silhouettes but not their faces, so its until they shouted out my name that I could acknowledge their presence

Its now down to recognising people from their voices, or the bright green top I saw them wearing earlier in the day

I should get glasses, or contacts....I should fix it, I know, but even if I could afford it, I'm still hesitant

Like maybe it would make me look less attractive, or like an old, stern schoolteacher.....or not even correct the eyesight, so I'd just have to keep upgrading my specification for a long time to come

And I also don't like been burdened with a routine, like having to stick my fingers in my eyes twice daily, or not being able to go anywhere without my glasses

In any case, its really embarrassing and needs to be fixed

So I'm stalling, waiting to get the money, but more importantly, waiting for a miracle that gives me 20-20 vision, so I don't even have to bother about any glasses or whatever

So it is in real life....when we let our pride or ego or vanity get in the way of what is really important...

What will people say.... or think? As if these 'people' aren't insignificant pawns in the grand scheme of things

We don't talk about God in public, don't talk about him at all, cos its not 'PC'....as if these people whose sensitivities we are considering , as if they rule our lives, as if God is not the most important part of our lives? Like we would even exist without him?

We don't bother about our soul, but focus on clothing, on our bodies, instead of fixing our foibles and sins

We know there are things....or people....or habits we should do away with, but we don't wanna offend people, or 'how will it look?'....or maybe it would affect our reputations

So do we 'fix' it.... or keep maintaining status quo until we cause ourselves irreparable, irreversible damage?

*P.C: politically correct
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70% off

My flatmate shops at Sainsbury's at least thrice weekly

Er, what's the big deal about this?

Well, he only goes at night, not too long before they close

He swears that this is the best time to go there, because you get really good deals on items that are close to their sell-by-date

According to him the items taste as good as ever, so why pay full price when you can get it for a third of the original price?

It got me thinking...like how sometimes in life when we feel we are past our sell-by-date, or beyond redemption...

Then 'all-of-a-sudden' we get what we've been working so hard for all along, and it seems like we barely did anything to get it

God's timing is best

When it comes, its even sweeter for us than those that 'got there' before us

It seems to the whole world like we only got it, or only got there at one-third the effort

Totally forgotten is all the suffering and hard work and sacrifice that went into it in the past
God makes all things beautiful in his time, nothing missing, nothing broken...

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LIFE

Life is a movie...

We play multiple roles daily, put on this facade, live up to these expectations.

Will it ever be OK to drop the act? To be ourselves?

Cry for 24hrs straight or scream at the top of our lungs without risking eviction from our apartments?

Will it ever be OK to talk about our pain? Our fears? To stop pretending like we know what we are doing?

To stop acting like we are healed when we know we are still damaged goods?

Do we stop talking about stuff just because we are not being understood? Or we are wrong 2 expect people to be sensitive? We should just understand that they will always be selfish and there is no point?

Do we just give up talking and carry on like all is well, even when we know that its synonymous to sticking a band-aid on a deep cut?

Is it OK to lock yourself up and cut off from everyone for 72 hours just because you don't wanna act? Or don't know how 2 put the pain in words?

So u dance... And sing, and praise God, dance till you are spent, cos after all, He said we should give thanks in all things

I shouldn't quit my day job, always knew acting wasn't my thing.
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If only....

The Maybach pulls in and you pause mid-conversation to stare

She alights from the vehicle,the first thing that catches your eyes is this season's zebra-print Louboutins

Your eyes travel slowly up to the Hermes belt you saw on Heidi Klum last week

That Limited Edition Birkin, didn't Posh just bag the last one?

And what's that smell?......ahhhhh the unmistakable scent of Chanel No. 5

You stare at her as she walks into the pharmacy, wishing you were as slim as she was...wishing u could trade places with her...

You stare in disgust at your Gucci bag and pull away from him as he strokes your hair....

***************************

She gets into the house and pulls off her Ray-Bans to reveal a black eye

She unbuckles the belt she used to hold the jeans in place, because they are now way oversized

Stares in the mirror at her sunken cheeks and wishes she was still a Size 8...the weight loss is so alarming

She undoes the buttons and sees that she has developed a new sore by her left breast..thank God for perfume she thinks,otherwise the stench would be unbearable

The maid comes in to tell her that her husband won't be coming home tonight. She smiles wistfully, relieved, but says a prayer for his unlucky conquest.

She walks to the shower and feels a prick on her foot, remnants of the mug he threw at her this morning.

As she soaks in the jacuzzi, she remembers the lady at the parking lot,wishes she still had full rosy cheeks, that she had someone to stroke her hair,someone to take her out, even if its just a short drive down to the pharmacy...

***************************

You walk up to the counter and see that she forgot her handkerchief. What's that beneath it? Her receipt...you eagerly check what's on it, sure its some unnecessary drug...what's this? Combivir....the antiretroviral drug....

You get into the car and kiss him full on the lips...."What was that for?" he asks. You just smile and say a silent prayer "Thank you God for this man you gave me, thank you because twenty years down the line, he's never broken our wedding vows. Forgive me Lord, for ever wishing I was anyone else" ....

H......is for...Home

"Staring out into the night
Trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love, and feeling good don't ever cost a thing....
I'm going home, to the place where I belong, where your love has always been enough for me....
I'm going home..."

Those are lyrics of 'Home' -one of my favourite tracks from the rock band Daughtry.

You know how no matter how old you are or how far away you are from home, its just good to have it at the back of your mind that you've got somewhere to return to at the end of the day....

Yeah, I know I'm a grown-ass woman and my home should be with my husband or something. But guess what, I don't have a husband, so my home for now is with my family.

And now I don't have a home. Its disconcerting to say the least. People keep telling me, oh you're lucky, at least y'all are grown.

To be honest, while I might not throw tantrums like a little kid, or get low grades in school, its equally as overwhelming.

I'm virtually a zombie. Just going through the motions, laughing appropriately, even making jokes.

Nobody at work suspects anything. Admittedly, my productivity is low, and I spend about four hours on the phone daily, but still...If only we knew what was going on with people beneath all the finery.

Earlier tonight I was watching a movie, I felt the tears coming on, so I switched it off to have a proper no-holds-barred, loud-ass-weeping cryfest. At least I slept for a bit so it wasn't that bad.

I was talking to my sister earlier in the day and she said I was sounding down, I just cooked up some lame excuse. She was saying that she doesn't know when to book her ticket, cos she doesn't want to be the only one at home,etc. I was almost tempted to tell her 'swthart, don't book any ticket cos there's no home to come to. Maybe you should just stay there'. But I held my tongue. She must not know, at least not until she's done with her exams. After I hung up, the tears came calling again.

I'm talking to one of my friends and he's asking what's been happening with me. I'm like nothing much, same old. And he's like "miss secretive, there's always nothing much with you". Me: o....kay, my parents are seperated. Him: you've just proven my point, if I was the one , I woulda told you". Me: Oh, how do I tell u? I'll call you up and say " Oh,u know how I go home at d weekends? Well, that's not happening. My mum,sister and the maid have moved out of the house. Its just my Dad that lives there now. So at d weekends now I'd probably just go visit dem briefly at my aunt's place and come back to...hang. No more sleeping over and going to work from there on Monday mornings, no more free food, laundry and toiletries, no more ...home"....

Its difficult to talk about stuff like this to be honest. I mean, if people don't ask, I just assume they don't wanna know, and I keep my mouth shut.

My uncle said he wants to get my Mum a place, but she refused. She said she doesn't wanna stay alone, that she believes my Dad would come to his senses.. Its understandable cos she's lived with this dude for close to thirty years, imagine now living alone. I feel bad for her, cos I know that she dint imagine her life would ever turn out like this.

I dint imagine things would turn out this way either..I have so many important decisions to make, I'm at a crossroads in my life at the moment, and now this.... I'm so overwhelmed.

If I could write a letter to this year 2011. It'll be just this.
"E don do. Na only me?"

I had a terrible 1st quarter of the year, I just started getting my life back together in May. No recovery time, then bam !!! this happened as well.

I'm tired mhen, I don't need any more sadness this year, I swear down. Its my birthday in four months,yaaay!!! at least that's one day of guaranteed happiness. ..In Jesus' name.

One thing I know that helps is interacting with true Christians. I don't mean Christians in name only, I mean people that are sold out for Christ, no gimmicks. Reading Christian blogs and literature,listening to Gods word daily also helps.

That's how I got to know about this song - 'Kurt Levar -A heart that forgives'. I've been listening to it all week and I finally got it on my phone.

I have a lotta forgiving to do. Forgiving those that hurt me when I least expected it. Especially cos I dint expect it from them.

Those that made everything I knew to be the truth become a lie. Its hard...

I'm also preparing to forgive my Dad in advance. For hitting my Mum, for taking away our home, dividing the family, embarrassing us, for destroying himself with his own hands, for not realising what's expected of him as a man, for failing us...

I hope it'll be easier for me to forgive him when the time comes, at least I've always expected him to hurt me so it doesn't really come as a shock, unlike....

P.S: So Seye was on TV two Sundays ago. Yaay Seye! if I knew way back then as freshers in Uni that u'd be running your own company in your early twenties, designing the most popular websites in the country, and even be on TV to boot, I woulda gotten your autograph way back then. Oooh, and he was nominated for a blog award - Best Technology blog. I hope voting hasn't ended or he hasn't even won already. But pls go to the Nigerian blog awards website and vote for him - Seye Kuyinu. I shoulda put this up since I went to the site to vote, but I've just been cut off from everything, and my head's been in so many places...

P.P.S: does anyone know an adhesive stronger than duct tape? I think the one I used to hold my heart in place isn't doing the trick anymore.

Home....is where the heart is. Is that why I don't feel like I've got a heart anymore?

G.....is for Gamble

"You don't know how good a road is till the rains come" -African Proverb

Its not really an African proverb, its my proverb actually.

I came up with it on the way to work yesterday. A few weeks into the rainy season, and the seemingly well-tarred roads are now filled with potholes, so messy and unrecognizable...

Life.. is gambling...

Nothing is guaranteed, and sometimes you play for really high stakes, as high as your life even.

" The best-laid plans of mice and men..."

The wealth you acquired over twenty-five years, could be lost in five months. You could get to work one morning, and find someone else sitting at your desk. That person you thought was 'the bomb', may then decide to show you how truly destructive they can be..

You think you have so many people in your life...until you're lying awake through the night,with so many things to say that you just want to know someone is there to listen to your silence...then you realize there's no one there for you but your blog....

Mama said gambling is bad, so I don't wanna play..

I don't wanna play even though I know Jesus holds the dice, so the odds are on my side. If he's for me, ultimately I'll never really lose would I? That curve-ball life just threw at me is really my boomerang

I don't wanna play...

Just wanna curl up and .... sleep. Not let anyone in, or live life... just...sleep....escape

I feel like there's a noose round my neck...

Fearless the phoenix.....

Sooooo.... I stopped writing.

Obviously...

Its probably the fear...u know when u want something so bad that u don't even wanna attempt it...

I've forgotten how to write...that's if I ever knew how to

Maybe it's because the things I'm really supposed to write about are so painful,that if I put them down on paper they'll become so real to me, and if I read about them later I might actually go mad..

Maybe that's it...

I really thought I was gonna see d A-Z challenge to d end, not even miss a day, but yet again I've gone and fallen short of even my low expectations.

I've had the G-post in my head for a couple of weeks now, even the J post and the T post...but.... *sigh*

In my head I'm fearless the writer, fashion stylist, make-up artist, critic, blogger-extraordinaire, fashionista and all-round IT girl.

In real-life I'm fearful the wallpaper and 9-5 worker,nothing else.

I go to the office, come home, lie in bed in the dark and just go through the motions, make the effort. I'm really not interested in anything anymore. Jonah's got nothing on me nowadays.

A million places I could be, a million people I could be with, but, errr, I'll pass. I just love myself and my own company, exactly as I am right now. And oddly enough, I'm happy, happy as I am right now, and that's what's really worrisome.

Restless and discontent, but happy all d same.

There's just something missing, I can't seem to place my finger on it.

Writing used to be my drug, but its like I need a new high, I'm so restless, I bore easily, blanking people out, not really getting involved.....

I'm still a voracious reader though, I probably read at least a small novel worth of stuff a day, thank God that part's not changed.

I think because my year started out really terribly and I'm still yet 2 get back 2 normal.

I'm still in shock and second-guessing myself in my subconscious.

Maybe writing about it will help, then again, maybe it won't, but I don't even know how to begin anyway.

Its almost like I don't have anything to look forward to, I'm just existing....just there...

I need to start writing again...

F.....is For.....Forgiveness

To err is human, to forgive is divine.....

Maybe I am not one of the divine people, because forgiveness is difficult. Writing about it is difficult as well. I've been staring at the blank page for the past three hours.

We have to forgive for God to forgive us, as a matter of fact, we forgive people for our own good, after all, vengeance is the Lord's. ....

If only it were so easy. Even after praying to God for strength, you realise that you haven't forgiven totally. You still see the person sometimes and have flashes of rage, hatred. And you always remember, even months or years after, you realise new ways in which the person offended you, you put new pieces of the puzzle together.

Even after you feel you've forgiven, after all, you wish the person well, even put the person in prayers, its still difficult. If only forgiving and forgetting went hand-in-hand, it would have been so perfect. But maybe God has a reason for not allowing us forget. So that we would never give the person such space in our lives anymore, or so we'll always be on our guard, and trust no one else but God, or maybe that would be the driving force we need to succeed in life, just to prove to the person that you are not as worthless as they said, or maybe so we'll cut the person off totally before the person finally kills us. Who knows?...

It hurts more when the person knows you, knows your characteristics and still decides to take the risk and offend you. Knowing that you give a very long rope, that you keep doing good to repay the person's evil, that you keep warning and yet the person still decides to damn it all and play you for a fool, knowing that one day you'll decide enough is enough.

It hurts more when you are in the person's custody or the person is responsible for you, yet does you wrong. Pretends everything is well, but you later find out what he was saying and doing behind your back, repaying your good with evil, treating you like a slave that answers to his every whim, like your time isn't yours, you give and give till there is nothing left to give.

I had a discussion with my friend a while ago and we were talking about rapture, being left behind and all, and he was like, he believes he is living right n all, but what he feels would probably count against him are a couple of relatives he is not ready to forgive yet. Not that he can't or won't, but he is just not ready cos of d gravity of what they did.

My uncle and his wife have been married for sixteen years without a kid. Relatives have adviced him to make peace with his mother, that maybe by doing so, God will have mercy on him and give them kids. He said he would not forgive her, and that if she's the reason he doesn't have kids then the kids might as well stay put where they are, he is fine all alone with his wife.

Its not so easy to block out all the hurt, blatant lies and wickedness. And the fact that despite all of that, you're still expected to do the exact opposite of what the person did to you...that sucks.

When sometimes you have flashbacks of what the person did, remember that the person did exactly what they said they wouldn't do. And you are supposed to forgive, not just that, but repay evil with good.

Its so difficult.

Maybe it really takes a long time, but as people say, it will definitely happen eventually, if you are willing.

E.....is For.....Excuses

"The Pharmacist: Does he love you?
Bree Van de Kamp: Yes he does.
The Pharmacist: Is he a good person?
Bree Van de Kamp: Yes, he is
The Pharmacist: Then it's simple, really. If I could find a good person to love me, I'd be the luckiest person in the world"
- Desperate Housewives

I lie in bed tonight, fagged out and sleepy,writing this post that was due on Saturday.

I have valid reasons why I couldn't write it- I went to the movies on Saturday, got in real late,hung out with my friend, dint get in bed till about midnight, thought of writing it then but my battery was flat. And frankly there was nothing arresting going through my head for the letter 'E'..... These are all valid reasons,or better put, sorry excuses.

Thing is, if I really wanted to do it i coulda done it earlier in d day b4 d 6pm muvee instead of just farfing around...I'm sure if I was getting paid to do this I probably woulda put up a post unfailingly on Saturday. Soooo there! Excuses are usually reasons we give for not doing what we shoulda done, for knowingly making a choice and not being brave enuff to face the consequences

That said, going from the quote above,who is a good person? When I first read that quote, I laughed hard. This Pharmacist is acting lyk he just achieved world peace or something.
Like if a 'good' person loves you then you're sitting pretty? Yeah, right!

Those you think are 'good' usually disappoint you on a grand scale. So why not go with those that are supposedly 'bad'? At least the surprises you get along the way are minimal.

So this 'good person' he's referring to, what makes them so? Is there any such thing?

In my opinion, I think its highly overrated and subjective. You meet this governor's kid and she says stuff like 'Oh, my Dad is a good man' and you're like 'Dude, ur Dad looted public funds, left d state infrastructure worse than he met it and left high sch kids outta sch for a whole year because he refused to increase teachers salaries. But because he's so sweet to you and keeps depositing millions in your account, he's a good man? I think not

My friend dates a married man for 10years running, he eventually sends his wife and kids packing because of her and I say 'oh, I know she's a good girl'. Seriously???

Who then is a good person? Am I saying a good person doesn't fall or make mistakes? No I'm not.

I'l give an example. There's this man I feel is a 'good man'. He's one of my pastors. I feel he's a good man because he is a responsible man. Passionate about God, his country, his wife, his family. He stands out because he stands up for what he believes in.

He will turn down a president's invitation not minding whose ox is gored. He prays and intercedes on behalf of his country and state. He votes. He would come on the altar to speak out that the only places he is naked are in the bathroom and in the presence of his wife. He is a silver spoon kid, and expected to be "funky" but he doesn't mind if he is not popular or if nobody comes to his church. He will speak the truth about corruption, bribery, indecent dressing, adultery....

He and his wife would offer young girls accommodation because they do not want them to co-habit with the opposite sex. He is the first to admit even his littlest mistake on the altar. He organises relief for refugees, gives to charities.

This is a man that always surrounds himself with his protocol officers to deter temptation from the opposite sex. He could rationalise it that "Oh, after all, Jesus made himself accessible, otherwise the woman with the issue of blood won't have been able to touch his garment", but he knows better, that he should flee from even the "appearance" of evil, after all its better to be safe than sorry.

He knows better than to give flimsy excuses.

On the rare occasion he finds himself alone with some 'Jezebels' he begins to speak in tongues.

This is a handsome, wealthy,well-dressed man. Elocution and carriage on point,yet he's 'spoiling fine boy' by speaking in tongues in an elevator.

This is a guy that used to go about in the sun and rain, preaching in public buses. A supposedly 'tush boy', but he doesn't care, he stands for what he believes in.

Am I saying he has never fallen? Of course he has. While he was a teenager living abroad,he was a drug addict living life on the fast lane.

So y then do I still say he is a good man?

Because I believe that even if a good man falls, he is going to do anything never to be in that situation again. He can never give the impression that he is in support of those things. A good man stands out, because he isn't lukewarm or sitting on the fence. His principles and values are never in doubt. He is passionate about his community and country. He does not create even the impression of evil.

If you were to go to a pub in his community, and ask ten random people about him, they would have the same good things to say about him.

A good man is courageous and fights his fears. He doesn't back down from responsibility. He provides for and defends his wife and kids. Even his extended family, he sees as his responsibility.

He has people he is accountable to, he develops himself and is knowledgeable. A good man is not lazy or passive. He utilises his talents and strives to better himself daily.

His integrity is his most prized attribute.
His word is his bond. He doesn't say things idly.
He leaves a legacy and inheritance for his children. Even many years after his death, his name opens doors for his children, because people say 'Your father was a good man, he was on the bench for thirty-eight years, one of d few judges who was brave enough to take an oath in a court of law that he never received a bribe throughout his career'

So a good man, be it an atheist or a priest, is all about his choices. His principles or values. The legacy he lives behind. What impact he has made.

A good man is who he is and what he stands for even after you remove his religion.

His duty to God, country, family and self.

Its all about choices.

So it irritates me to no end when I hear people say 'Oh, he did so-and-so but I know he's a good man'.

Really??? He did d same thing repeatedly, shutting out his conscience and you call him a good man? How is he different from a robber? And what gives you the right to say the robber is a bad man and should be imprisoned?

Where do you draw the line? Y is it acceptable for you to be dishonest time after time, like someone without a conscience, but its not acceptable for the robber to steal from the rich? What makes you any better? You both made choices, you both seared your conscience, so y is one a good man, and the other bad? Or are there degrees of wrongdoings? One is more acceptable than the other?

Who died and made you judge and jury?

Aren't they both products of their choices?

Maybe there's no such thing as a good man or bad man then, and instead of making excuses for these people, just keep quiet.

So am I a good woman? Of course I'll say I am. Y so?

I am one because everyday I strive to be the woman the bible talks about in Proverbs 31.

Because I don't give stupid excuses. More often than not, my reason for whatever action or non-action is cos I chose not to. Because I raise the bar higher, because to a large extent,people can be asked about me and say, she does not believe in so-and-so.

Because I have mentors and people I hold in high regard,because I learn from the mistakes of others instead of making the mistakes for myself and regretting them. Because I listen to advice, because I pray for my country.

Because I am already preparing for my future even from now, by asking elders for advice, asking about regrets they have about their own lives so I'll have a mental compass to lead me through life's journey.

Because I started praying for my future husband six years ago, and I've already started praying for my unborn children.

Because I know that delayed gratification is more honorable than instant gratification. Because I know what it is to sacrifice and deprive myself for the greater good.

Because I won't condone in others what I won't do myself, Because m not wishy-washy, neida m I a people-pleaser. Because I strive each day to be a better version of myself.

And so, because I am doing all of this, I also believe I deserve a good man.

But I honestly dunno if there's such a thing.

Maybe he's just my own good man. and that again is another bs excuse, cos if I am investing so much i shouldn't short-change myself.

Cos that as they say, would be putting pearls before swine....

D....is For...Dad

Did I ever tell u about my family's 'almost' claim-to-fame? You see, we're prolly supposed to be really wealthy, by virtue of my Dad's extraordinary talent.

I really wish he had utilized it properly, especially tending towards the compensation aspect.

You see, my Dad can bear malice for Africa.

Maybe if there was an Olympics event.... or he could even have participated in a psych experiment or something.... Yeah, I no I'm reaching here, but seriously though..

To be honest, its hella tiring, and saddening. About 6 weeks ago,the tension at home was palpable and it went on for a whole month. I should be used to it seeing as he's kept malice with my Mum for a whole year in the past and she finally had to kneel to beg him on Xmas morning.

Nywho, one Saturday, i decided I'd had enough and took d opportunity of a long-winded convo he had with me about "why I had to use mushrooms in d sauce knowing fully well that mistakes happen and the mushrooms could be poisonous, etc." so at the end of that convo I decided to take the plunge

F: This malice-keeping thing is tiring and saddening.

D:What???

F: This malice-keeping is tiring and saddening. Its been going on for over a month now, even all the while I was ill and I'm sure its part of d reason I didn't get well on time.

D: Grab a chair

F: I don't know what's really wrong and I honestly don't care, I talked to Mum about it and I couldn't make head or tail of what she was saying. But I recall that its now become your M.O, there was even a whole year u didn't talk to her and its just.. sad

D:Yes, i admit that there were many tyms that happened, esp before we moved to this house, but it has gotten much better since we got here. She did something bad to me, so rather than get violent, i just don't say anything.

F:be that as it may,ur happiness is in ur hands. its just you both and the maid alone in this house, so u r happy coming home, not talking to anybody till you get to work the next day? how is that even helping your health? ud just age faster. there are many things in life that are out of our control, but the things that are in our hands, we should do our absolute best to make it work. that's why u see many poor, happy families, or families with disabilities, yet they are happy.

D:yes, but she did something really bad, thats y she dint even bother to tell you

F:alright, but r u sayn now that ud never talk to her as long as u live? u'd prolly talk 2 her at some point, even if its in 2 years. so, in 2yrs does d grievance somewhat lessen?isnt it stl d same offence? whether tomorrow or in 10 yrs? so y put a date 2 ur 'salvation"? besides, u no u shdnt bother dropping offering in church?

D:*silence*......all m sayn is some men hit their wives, i don't, i have nothing more to say to you...

by d next tym i went home, he'd started talkn 2 her, but tbh i rili dunno where i got the courage to say all of that to him, but i guess when a goat is pushed to the wall, it has no choice but to attack. i almost puked during that convo cos i ws lyk seriously? u deserve a medal cos u dont hit ur wife???? 4 real???

This is just to give you an insight into this man i call my father, the man that brought me to this world. you have no idea how many tyms my siblings and i have wished my parents got divorced years ago and my mum remarried a wonderful man.

I used to be a rich kid, not sooo rich but at least comfortable. so imagine my shock when a coupla years ago i realised that i was just average, that i couldnt just travel out at the drop of a hat, that every major expense now had to be carefully budgeted, that gone were the days when my parents would put my brother and i on a plane accompanied at the drop of a hat, that i had to go out by public transport for the 1st tym in my 3rd yr in Uni and not have a driver waiting for me? i had a discussion with my brother recently and his take was that my Dad prolly squandered d wealth, or dint hustle as he shd have, or missed out on opportunities due to pride. m not sayn money is the most important thing, but stl i used to be a bit resentful.

My frd says i've got daddy issues. maybe, maybe not. but growing up the way i did, i've got 2b xtra careful, not least because i cant suffer 2ce in life- suffer in my youth and suffer when m older, or because i need a guy that'l be the father i 'never' had, or because i cant let my mother suffer in vain, then now not make her proud with my own choice of partner.

There was a time he was abroad for 6 months. that was the happiest period in our house so far. nobody even missed him. we were happy, it was...easy.

Its difficult walking on eggshells all the time, even till now, when u dont no when or what is gonna trigger the next tantrum, when ur sis calls u in d middle of d nyt 2 tell u dat he's broken all d dishes in d house, expensive dishes dat my mum spent her hard-earned money on. and that he's cut himself in d process so there's blood allover the place, and that my mum has locked herself in her room all night. Or they call to tell me that my mum was locked outta d house. its understandable when he locks us out, but my mum too, for real??

its y i cant stand stingy guys, cos i dont wanna be lyk my mum, who's married but lives like a single woman. cant stand selfish guys, cant stand a guy that does not motivate me spiritually, i dont want to be unequally yoked like my Mum is.

its y i wld react so violently to someone that as much as slaps me, cos ve been down that road before, countless instances when i was belted to within an inch of my life, for flimsy reasons lyk "pretending to be asleep when he got back from work', but the real reason being to punish my mum wt the screams she'd hear in her room. screams that woke the neighbors from sleep... times when the good quality leather belt would split in two as i was being belted, and he'd send someone to fetch another belt so he'd continue. when i'd go to school with welts all over my arms, and have some nosy classmates ask me stupid questions.

its y i c any form of abuse as a personal affront. u dont need to hit someone to abuse them. at least when you hit someone the scars are visible right? what about emeotional abuse? when nobody can see the numerous cracks in ur heart held together by cellotape? where nobody can see that ur self esteem and confidence have been taken down a few pegs cos of som1's behaviour 2wards you. where u begin to second-guess yourself or your worth?

its y i used to say i wanted to get married to someone ten years older, cos he'd know better how he should be a lover,father n friend as well as a husband. cos he'd c me as his responsibility, wont be stingy or selfish, wont make our home a volatile territory lyk Iraq...

My Mum and my aunt make excuses for him, saying he's d way he is cos he's from a polygamous home with a lotta sibling rivalry and fetishists, or because his parents are from different tribes so he doesn't have any culture to speak of, hence bad manners, bad behaviour, etc.

My aunt recently told my sis that she would never talk to me again if i get married to someone with parents from different tribes. I was shocked. Its wrong for she and my mum to generalise cos of my Dad's actions. Its even wronger to make excuses for his behavior cos of his background.
We are who we are, not because of our circumstances, but in spite of them.

Even if he did not have the advantage of a happy home he should have made it his life's duty to have one. should have learnt from people, read books, he should have even imbibed culture and manners.

The bible says honor your father and your mother, so that your days may be long...

He also has his good sides, always ensuring we had enough fuel ion the midst of nationwide scarcity. always ensuring we were well protected, getting guns and dogs in case of any eventuality. i rem when we were much younger, and there were riots in town, my dad would have someone cover his shift, roads were blocked so he couldnt drive down, and he'd walk all the way to our school, put me on his shoulders and take my brother by the hand, and walk back to the office again. he ensured we got the best education, that we were exposed and cultured. vernacular wasnt allowed in our house while growing up, cos he wanted us to speak "Queen's English". my mum also told me about the time they were courting, and he heard on TV that salaries in the state my mum was at the time hadnt been paid. he filled his car with foodstuff and travelled all the way down to see her, gave her money and was upset that she hadnt told him she wasnt paid...of all the times that my sisters and i have asked her about their past together, thats the only instance she has been able to cite. it was a good deed, but 4real?? thats all you could rem dat he did for you after how many years of dating? she still mantains she has no regrets though.

but that's not the point, the point is he also has his good sides.

Now... he respects me and asks me to help him out with various things.

but still, the scars are real, the memories still haunt me. i still look at my Mum and wish i could get her out of there, wish i was capable of giving her the kinda life she deserves. still look at her sometimes and d sadness i feel is overwhelming.

its y i am so guarded and reserved, its y i cant, i wont, i mustn't make a mistake.

D... is for Dad, he brought me into this world and for that i'm grateful. he's my father and for that i must honor him regardless.

D...is for dread, that it won't be a vicious cycle, that i wont make the same mistake, that i will give my children a good father. its the least i can do...

C...is For...Cheating

Long post alert.....

This post was inspired by a convo I had with my friend recently. I included excerpts so you'd get the general gist.

Participants:
-------------
(*) fearless (*), Kwame

Messages:
(*) fearless (*): errors lyk cheating ryt? Som girls myt say its forgivable, but 2me its not an error, its a delibr8 actn
I'd only cheat if m bored, dnt luv my partner nymor, or if he's just not treatn me ryt or sth, so I dunno y anyone shd cheat
Kwame:
Cheating is not an error o. You are presented with two options but you choose to cheat
That's just silly
If you are bored, tell him to go
(*) fearless (*): my sentiments exactly
Kwame: I'd never cheat
NEVER
I see what it could do in the long run
(*) fearless (*): My sentiments exactly, cos it has disastrous consequences, and sets in motion ds vicious cycle of bad karma
No1 can catch me cheating n I'd say its an error, I'd probably tell u how I rationalised it, and d reasons I gave my conscience b4 going ahead wt it. I wont say twas a mistake
Kwame: Totally
There's no need. Treat your man/woman right and vice versa then there won't be cheating
(*) fearless (*): Hmmm
Kwame: Always remember though, once a cheat always a cheat
(*) fearless (*): Dats not entirely true
Kwame: Fact
(*) fearless (*): Cos der r ppl dat ve bn wt a guy or girl n they no this is the love of my life, d one for me, etc, yet dey cheat, and now regret it 4d rest of their life
Kwame: Reason would simply be that the person wasn't their loml
There was something missing
(*) fearless (*): And I also beg 2 differ. Once a cheat, not always a cheat. I ve cheated b4, but I know as sure as I know my name dat I'l never cheat again.
although tbh i couldn't say at that time that my partner was my loml, so of cos if my partner ws my loml at the tym, then the cheating wont have even occured.
i no i wont cheat on som1 i call my loml. not lyk there's any acceptable reason for cheating tho
Kwame: I hope so o
(*) fearless (*): So ur point in essence is... If som1 cheats on u, its cos ur not deir LOML? And in dat case, u shd run 4 dear life cos d person wl def do it again?
But if d person cheats on u and u no 4 sure dat u r LOMLs, and d person promises not 2do it again, u shd stl run 4 dear life, cos it is absolutely utterly imposble 2 cheat on ur LOML even if u dnt c each oda 4 5yrs?
and also cos cheats never repent ryt?
Kwame: Kinda
I'm not a believer in the whole loml concept
(*) fearless (*): Lol, cynic
Kwame: You meet people, everyone makes you happy in their own way. You like people for different reasons. What turns a person into a bf/gf/wife/husband? The decision you both make to be there for each other, work together, e.t.c. That decision could be made with any of those your friends who feel the same about you and obviously physical attraction helps
So after all that, why then cheat on the person after you both decide to go on this journey? greed, selfishness e.t.c.
If you decide to go on that journey you are deciding to throw away your bachelor card, replace that with a fuck-off sign on your forehead
So you do all that, call them LOML then cheat ????
(*) fearless (*): Doesn't make sense ryt?
So 4u, dats un4gvable?
Kwame: I'd forgive cos I understand the human perception
But ill never forget
It would have been forgivable if I wasn't the sort of guy who loves hard. I mean, you become the center of my world
(*) fearless (*): D human perception dat evr1 cheats? Or d human perception dat ders an exceptn 2 every rule, and d person cheated inadvertently, not intendn 2 hurt u in any way?
Kwame: Yup
The latter
(*) fearless (*): yeah...So dose r part of d things dt I just can't take.I honestly don't UNDERSTAND excuses. Deyr lyk gibberish
Kwame: Lol. Excuses
(*) fearless (*): Lol,4me what I dnt undastd I can't relate to. I ve 2 analyse n ...
Hmmmm
Well, 4me cheatn doesn't even ve 2 involve sex tbh
Kwame: Yup, cheating is all what builds up to sex
If the person isn't enough for you, then leave..
As compared to cheating and the guilt attached to it
(*) fearless (*): U tnk I dunno dat? all dese excuses we're bs na, u tnk I dunno b8r? Even if ur partner is crap in bed its not a gd enuff reason, u guys r sposd 2 learn 2geda nwaz

Is it cheating if you aren't married? The religious aspect aside,is cheating permissible? My frd Kwame prolly hasn't seen the inside of a church in 7 yrs, so his isn't even from a religious standpoint, his is a personal decision.

But maybe not everyone can make that decision, maybe for some they have to cheat, or be cheated on before they now decide its sth they'd never do.

So many scandals recently, from Tiger Woods, to Arnold Schwarzenegger, to IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn. The IMF chief lost his powerful position as a result.

Do people never learn? Why is it that we never see the well till the water runs dry? For me, its not just the action, its the motive behind d action, and d fact that cheating is never a 'stand-alone' evil. It encompasses many others- deceitfulness,disrespect,greed,selfishness, indiscipline,stupidity, and most important of all,'not loving ur neighbor as yourself'.

Two instances I know of: this woman found out after her divorce that her ex-husband had been exchanging messages wt anoda chic, baring his soul, and even discussing their problems with said chic. This chic was a pen-pal, they ex-husband had never even seen... but when d woman found out about it, she cried long and hard, and was convinced that she'd made the right decision in getting the divorce. She was hurt cos instead of d guy 2 talk abt d problems with her, he was talking to som1 else, instead of him to work on their marriage by spending d tym calling her or even coming to see her at work, he was using the tym to get close to som1 else....

Another instance,this chic starts getn close 2ds guy at work, later finds out he's married but already likes him too much, they don't have sex, prolly just get to second_base or sth, nwaz she starts to feel guilty and sends him home to his wife,that they can't be close nymor. So,a coupla months down d line, his wife comes 2 bust her at work, of course 1st thing she tells d wife is 'oh, we dint have sex, it dint get too far, etc. But the wife now asked her if she luvd him, and she cldnt answer,cos she did luv him. So d wife told her that she already knew it before even asking, cos she'd seen the sadness in her eyes,and dats d same sadness she sees in her husband's eyes every night. She said she couldn't go on seeing that for the rest of her life. Sooo, to the whole world this married guy and ds chic dint rili cheat right, since they din't go the whole nine yards,but still, it led to the break-up of a marriage.

So cheating isn't just abt sex, its abt spending quality tym wt som1 else other than ur partner, esp without ur partner's knowledge, or b8r stl, just doin stuff u won't want ur partner to do.

That said, have I cheated? Yes, as have numerous others. Am I proud of it? No, because no matter what reasons I had, dey were flimsy excuses. If som1 isn't enuff 4u, den leave.

There's ds popular artiste, he has three babymamas, and allegedly some concubines as well. Nwaz, so I recently came across one of the babymamas. Apparently she rili luvs ds guy, says he's her hero, etc, even wears ' I luv my hubby' t-shirts. She doesn't hang out wt other guys, and she was even at the 1st bday party of one of the other babymamas kids.

M like serzly?? Thing is, dude is prolly not even gonna get married 2 any of them nwaz. So what's so special abt ds guy dt ur satisfied wt one-third of his affectn? And dats even an exaggeration cos dey r not d only 3 babes in his life.

U had d 1st child for him,let's say that was even a mistake, but u go ahead to have another child for him again?? I was so puzzled by this that I actually sat down and spent a day watching ds guy, wondering what they saw in him. Ve met him abt thrice and I frankly wasn't impressed. Maybe he sings 2 them tho,and he's real handsome to boot, but still...

But then again, maybe she has d right attitude, and everyone else is wrong. After all, there's luv in sharing right? So if u have that attitude towards ur partner as well, then nobody gets hurt.
After all, as long as the guy comes to see you once a week, tells you he loves you and sends money to your account then that should be enough right? Doesn't matter that he's having unprotected sex with other people or that...

I believe there are repercussions for our actions, so if you cheat, you will be cheated on. That said, what if someone cheats on u, and u take them back, does that mean you are the one that will cheat on your partner as his/her punishment?

Is it also true per Kwame's theory that if u cheat on someone d person is def not ur LOML (love of my life), that there's sth missing?

I'd appreciate your views on this please.

There are so many 'what-if's', but what I'm certain of is once I make that commitment, I would never cheat, be it a relationship or marriage. Its not for him, its for me. Even if the person pays me back with evil, I no I'm only paying my own good forward, I'd def get it back somehow.

And while I c some sense in the babymama that is happy sharing her guy with other chics, after all less worries for her, etc, I've got too much self-respect to do that, especially as I don't get my validation from others or their words.

So for me its one babe for one guy, at one time....

B.....is For...Birthday

I love birthdays. That one special day set aside just for me. A day I am compelled to be happy, dress up, etc

For me its not just the gifts, its the whole process, the surprise, the cake, dinner,the party for a few close friends, whatever trips, but it just has 2 be a fantastic day.

Its a day set aside to celebrate your existence. For me I always try to show my loved ones how much I care on that day. Even if I have to stay on d phone with them all day cos we r far apart.

Its a day to thank God most especially for the blessing of another year added, albeit undeservedly.

But...I digress.

This post is for my friend. Its her birthday in a few minutes. I'm happy and grateful to God on her behalf.

Its funny that we were in the same set in Uni for 4 years and we never even met. Finally met you after graduation in 2007 through our mutual friend, and its been one hell of a ride since then. I thank God for our mutual friend cos she led me to you.

You are sweet, kind, and have a generous spirit. Being with you is so easy.

Being with you is the beach, and award ceremonies,and the cinemas,and clubbing,and weddings, and church, and staying indoors all day.

Its being broke and having excess money, its discovering new boutiques and going to the extreme end of town on a Sunday just because there's a clothes sale.

Its following a celeb on twitter on your behalf,and finally connecting with him so I'd hook y'all up.

Its being there for each other through heartbreaks and ridiculous crushes and oh-so-seemingly-perfect love.

Its you telling me to shut up and stop crying cos u believe I deliberately chose to be sad. Thanks for the tough love, my caustic and acerbic friend.

Its your calling me the most inquisitive person in the world and your blatantly ignoring me when I ask too many questions.

Yeah, we have our fights but its always worth it in the end.

Thank you for the suya, and blue bunny ice cream, and food from Ikoyi Club...

Look forward to many more years with you my darling, with your future kids running 2 spend time at mine after you've finished them with your wicked witch and alatenumo ways...

I genuinely care for you from the bottom of my heart.

Love u baby, xoxo

A.... is for.....

Adam:
The first man on earth. Who..instead of him to teach his wife the difference between right and wrong,to be her pastor and teacher, allowed her to tempt him, to eat an apple he shouldn't have
Instead of taking the fall for her, said they should take the fall together
Who did not know his role as a man, that his rib is an extension of himself....

Anomaly:
Life itself is an anomaly, so bitter and sweet at d same time. Filled with highs and lows, ups and downs, life and death, tears and laughter. When u feel you've got it all together it segues and throws you off-balance
God... so 'seemingly wicked', yet infinitely kind. Love....love that shouldn't have anything to do with pain, yet ...

Albatross:
Those things that haunt u daily, that background that makes you feel everyone's out to get you, consequences of past actions that you just can't let go of yet inadvertently destroy your present ...

Art:
Music,oh how I love my music. Music heals, it inspires, it soothes, it makes me wanna climb on a table and forget everyone else, makes me ecstatically happy, smile for no reason at all, transports me to another world.
Paintings: Monet, Manet, Picasso,Degas. You see these works of art and you have no doubt in your mind that there is a God. Only God could have given these mere mortals such extraordinary talent.

Acceptance:
Realising that some things were never meant to be, sticking with the status quo....sometimes acceptance is just laziness in my opinion. You don't wanna fight or try, so you just give up. You accept that there is no cure for cancer, so you just let it ravage your body till your soul has no choice but to leave.
You accept that the sky is the limit so at the end of the day u don't even reach d roof...
Accepting: that everything happens for a reason..if so, how have u utilised that 'reason'?

Advil:
You could take five tablets and all the pain goes away, so you are just numb, nothing or nobody can hurt you anymore..you are immune to all the pain...but of course it comes with its side-effects, cos it makes you immune to the love and laughter as well

Alexander McQueen:
A fashion icon, gone too soon. I looove love the dresses. I've copied his designs for my native fabrics, but sadly, they don't even come close. Too bad that he had to go before I could even afford to have him make a gown for me.

Adele:
This 23-yr old chic blows my mind. From 'Someone Like You', to 'Rolling in the Deep'..her songs touch the innermost recesses of my soul..I have her playlist permanently on replay.

Antigua:
My dream vacation spot: the sand, the water, the weather, the beachwear I'd be oh so happy to wear....

Awakening:
When your morning comes, is when your life truly begins. That 'morning' is entirely up to you. The minute you decide to get the best out of life, and realise that you were called for a greater good, that you are responsible to and for others, that you have to take and claim, and not wait for anything to be handed to you, that being anything but the best and under-utilising your talents is the worst act of selfishness ever.

Answers:
The whys, wheres, whichs and if onlys. Answers we may never get till judgment day. Especially the 'Whys?' ...My own take on this: implicit trust and faith in God, for he is the sole repository of wisdom.

I'm still alive

Sooooo I haven't blogged in a hot minute.

I know,my readers (all 3 of them) expect d usual excuses, pressure at work, stress, etc. But tbh its none of d above.

I've been happy. Happiness... How is that an excuse? Oh, well I dunno really but I've been content.

Confused,dissatisfied,but happy all d same. So I haven't felt d need to blog.

Nywho,there's this challenge,you have to put up a post each day with a letter of d alphabet, alphabetically 4rm A-Z.

So I begin today...

A blessing, and a curse.....

I need to dumb down... Very sad, but its something I have to do to maintain my sanity

I have a very curious mind, and I kinda have the gift of discernment. I have been called various names over the years.. Inspector Gadget, Kay Scarpetta ( after one my fave heroines from the Patricia Cornwell series), lol

I've come to realise that it's both a blessing and a curse.

It's helped me in so many diverse ways, prevented a lotta mistakes.. but at the same time, caused so much sadness....maybe if i wasn't emotional as well, it really wouldn't matter, but the combination is not a good mix at all.

I won't let people's actions bother me anymore, I can only change myself.

Case in point, you are randomly gisting me about what a horrible day you had, how stressful work was, how when you got back home, there was no power and the generator was faulty, etc, and you later had to microwave some leftover rice for dinner, etc.. I empathize with you and we say our goodbyes.

Five seconds later I call back and ask you how you powered the microwave without electricity. Its just who I am...... I ALWAYS want to know:..my mind does not rest till it understands exactly how the equation was solved

Why did the chicken cross the road...Why is x+y =z...

But now, ....I'm past caring, I just block everything from my mind. I don't care if you went somewhere else to heat the food and it just slipped out mistakenly, or maybe there is even an innocent explanation. I really don't care. I just block it from my mind, nobody can gimme hypertension.

My girlfriend says I am the most inquisitive chic she has ever met. I usually know when someone lies to me or omits the truth, and I'd call the person out on it, or maybe if i hear something, I'll let you know what I heard and confront you, but now, even if u tell me fifteen lies per hour or I hear stuff about you, I'd never let on that I know. Its better that way.

Besides, the truth inadvertently comes out sooner or later.. Its such a small, small world. Its also interesting when you hear someone spinning lies, especially when u know the truth

If I find out someone close to me did something, like got pregnant, or maybe was even caught shoplifting, I start crying. probably because the person didn't trust me enough to tell me, or that the person had been giving me a false impression of herself all the while or that I really don't know the person... but really, why should I care? ..and why should I even care if someone makes a fool of me? I'd still keep doing good, because I know I am only paying it forward, I shouldn't treat someone bad because of that.

My friend says I am the kinda chic that when a guy tells me he loves me, I take it as the gospel. As if people don't lie, or feelings and circumstances don't change....

I take words to heart, the spoken word, especially the written word. I have always been tripped by cards, poems, text messages, etc, but now its not enough, you also have to prove yourself. Don't give me a card telling me I am the sister you never had, but when i need a shoulder to cry on, you are nowhere to be found. Say or write the words, that's fine, but also show you mean them.

Well, maybe that's just me, I don't say things just for saying sake, I actually mean what i say, so it trips me that everyone is not like me.

Now I realize that i should take everything with a pinch of salt, everyone is guilty until proven innocent.

You have to mean what you say....


Apparently I have a God-complex. Who woulda thought?....lazy, disorganized, indecisive me...

I always want to control everything, every situation, I panic when there is a paradigm shift. I want to be there for everyone, be the confidant, problem-solver, be number one in your life, want you to trust me...

I over-think, over-analyse, I always want to know the end from the beginning.

To say my brain works overtime is a gross understatement...

I really need to dumb down,... not always want to know,... not always prove I am right... not take people's actions to heart,.... not mind being taken for a fool...

Its soooo tiring being a smart ass all the time.

I thank God for my keen mind, and I hope  I utilize it to its full potential soon.

I also know for sure that the right guy for me will appreciate this gift, and not think i'm some paranoid freak, but rather help me hone the gift.

But for now, I'd just play dumb for a while, know stuff but not let on that I know, block unpleasant thoughts from my mind... and try to enjoy it thoroughly...

Some may call it denial... I call it survival

My state of mind at the moment

Long post alert.....

My heart is really really heavy, I just cant wait to be free.  I can't recall the number of  times on the way to the cinemas or something, that i have thought of veering  to the psych hospital, instead of going straight on. Its one of the reasons I started this blog, hoping it'll help me put things in perspective, and maybe serve as a  whining outlet as well. I don't know if its really helping though.. but its early days yet, seeing as I've only done three posts.

I already got two negative comments per my blog posts, and it almost made me stop blogging. So as usual, I whined to S.K and he gave me the needed boost. Speaking of.... I'm a celebrity of sorts, S.K blogged about me, yaaaay!!! It feels good to see my name in print. I don't know how to do all the fancy techie stuff, so pardon my pathetic attempt at posting a link. See link:  http://seye.blogspot.com/2011/04/i-was-first-introduced-to-shawn.html

How many people can you say really know you? Like when I started this blog, I found out that you could send an alert via e-mail to ten people whenever you put up a new post. Of the ten people, only three figured out I was the one writing, smh. Nywho, its all for the best, I'd rather remain anonymous.

So I just realized I'm quite vain. There's this beggar I see every morning, and he's always  like "Auntie, thanks for the other day'.  I stopped giving him money for two reasons, first off... dude, who is your auntie? And i know for sure he doesn't remember that I have been giving him money, he just thanks every Tom, Dick and Harry for the other day, mscheeew!! I"m kinda twisted right?


I hate my job, and honestly I suck at it it. There, I finally said it, feels good... I mean, its not like I totally suck, like I'm crap or anything, I do it well enough, but that's the ish...well enough is not good enough, by my standards, or by my boss' standard. Believe me it shows when you are not passionate about something. Sometimes at work I feel like my spirit is tryna  peel my skin off and run out of the building, then come back at close of business. I am not exaggerating.

My body is actually rebelling....If i feel so strongly, why don't I leave? Now, that's the $64,000 question.Well, if I leave I don't actually have any other concrete plans. And as it is, I don't get even 'hair money' or recharge cards from any other source. I take care of myself all by myself, so what will  I do for money? I guess i just have to suck it in and keep trying to save as much as possible. Besides, there is constant air-conditioning and I have free internet to update my blog, lol.

There are some crazy moments when I actually wished I had a rich boyfriend who'll cater for my needs while I quit my job and try to find out what I need to do with my life, while I experiment and find out what I'd be making my money from... because I truly intend to be successful  in my own right...If wishes were horses.....

I am still as terrified of marriage as ever, and everyone I talk to about is like "Fearless, there is this one guy that will make u want to get married to him, so much so that you'll be counting the days till he proposes to you.In my mind, I just laugh.... I had a heated argument with my Dad some weeks ago. We were discussing one of my male cousins and how the guy feels money is not so important, and my Dad is like "don't mind him, when he gets married and his life begins then he will know money is not only important, but essential".

So I am like, if someone doesn't get married their life hasn't begun?  And he's like society expects it. So I shd get married just because society expects it? For real???

I will only get married when I find a man worthy of all the effort I have put in to make myself a good thing. A man that I would be proud to have as the bishop and head of my home,that sees me as a treasure and knows he is responsible for me, one that  is dependable, driven and ambitious.. whose integrity is never in doubt.

I wont just get married because "ALL UR MATES ARE GETTING MARRIED'. He said I have a defeatist attitude, afterall people that are not "up to me" are taking the leap, and that if I analyse it critically, everything we do is "because society expects it".

My mum came downstairs sometime during this convo, and she was so silent I thought she'd passed out from the shock of my revelations. I later heard her snoring though, lol. Later that night, she brought out anointing oil and started binding the spirit of depression from my life, lol

I have been so disappointed by people in the past couple of months, like if there was a Richter scale for disappointment, It'll be a 9.5 at the very least. I have almost lost faith in mankind.  Almost....

I still don't feel too well, especially at night, and geting out of bed in the morning, there's this near-constant headache and nausea, I am lethargic and listless most times. I can't wait to be 100% again.

hmmmm, what else? My relationship with God has never had as much meaning to me as it does at this period, I am loving Him so much, finding myself and my beauty in Him, and realizing that the Bible holds the answer to every question I can conceive of, its a love letter to me, reminding me daily of how wonderful I am. If only I could see myself through God's eyes.... God is truly the sole repository of wisdom, I regret that it took me this long to realize that. I am amazed at how far I have come in such a while. I now find it difficult to tell a lie, and i even question my motives for each word uttered or action taken. Like W.W.J.D? Am I doing this for selfish reasons or for the person's interest?


My feel-good songs right now, well there are a lotta dance tracks I'm feeling at the mo, that I dance to in the evenings, jump on the bed to, etc.

Other songs I have on repeat...
Tye Tribett- Bless the Lord
Mercy me- I can only imagine
Ne_Yo - I don't wanna be in love
Beyonce - At last
The Script - For the first time
Taylor Swift-Forever and always

So, this post is on a looong thing already. I guess this sums up my state of mind at d mo.

Just a little sin....

'The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crises maintain their neutrality'

There is no little sin... A half-truth is a whole-lie, the opposite of Yes is No, anything other than 'I love you' is lying.

I'll use myself as an example. I have been seriously ill for over a month now, and I feel its due to a little white lie I told two days before I fell ill...

There's this guy that always wants to hang out, invites me out, etc but I always blow him off. So he sends me a text the previous weekend and as usual, I don't reply. Then he calls me during the week, and I feel very guilty. Not for blowing him off, but because I was rude, and he's a client as well. So I pick his call and tell him that I have been very ill for weeks, even been out of work, etc and of course he believes me and sympathizes with me.

Some days later, I fell ill, exactly as I described it to him. Its a month after and I still haven't recovered fully. The past four weeks were one of the worst of my life, I felt cut off from the whole world, couldn't eat or sleep, had enough injections and drips to last a lifetime. I felt so sad and alone, and during the course of the illness I lost two life-changing opportunities as a stylist and an intern for one of the biggest fashion shows in Africa.

Its the reason I am lying in bed writing this on a Sunday morning, because I don't feel well enough to go to church. All because of a simple white lie....

Case in point, one of the best couples I have ever come across. They were the envy of everyone that knew them. I later got to know that their relationship started as an affair, the chic was dating someone else when she now started getting close to this other guy.

During the course of this relationship, one of them contacted a terminal illness, was caught cheating during an exam and expelled from the University. Their story became a scandal still talked about in town, even ten years after. They later became born-again Christians, the illness was cured , but they broke up after a while. You might ask, what's the big deal? After all, people cheat all the time, and they were not even married. I wish I could answer the question.

I was watching this movie recently- 'Vicky Christina Barcelona'. There was this babe engaged to be married in a couple of months. During this period she met some other guy, spent the weekend with him and from then on she could not get him out of her mind.

She still went ahead to get married to her fiancé, but thoughts of this other guy filled her mind. One day, the other guy invited her to his house, and she went, knowing fully well that she was married and would most likely end up in his bed. Long story short, just as she was about to kiss the guy, she got shot. In that split second she remembered that she was a married woman, and how would she explain the gunshot to her husband, and what was she looking for with another guy in the first place when she had a wonderful husband waiting for her at home? That was her wake-up call. She went back home to her husband and they lived happily ever after. Not everyone is that lucky, she could have died, or even ended up destroying her marriage for such a flimsy reason.

Now, I'm not saying I know the mind of God, or that God punished me or these people for what they did, like I said, its just my thoughts.

My point is, there is always a window period, that second when you take a breath before deciding to tell a lie, before deciding to cheat on your partner instead of trying to make it work, or when you could have been assertive instead of trying to please another human being at the risk of displeasing God.

As long as you have to pause to take a breath, then you have a choice....

Sin has so many disastrous and far-reaching consequences. More than we can even imagine....

Some people get away with grievous sins while some others, like me can't even get away with a simple lie.

There are no half-measures, our conscience usually tells us but I guess over time we have seared our conscience so well that we can sin and feel no remorse at all, our moral compass is lost in transit.

"Always resist even the appearance of evil. In doing so, evil will never subdue you.."

Did you know?.... Its possible to get gonorrhea just from kissing, possible to get pregnant without having sex? That 2 out of every 10 people living with HIV contacted it through oral sex? I could go on and on, but the point is, there is no 'almost-sin' or 'I could not help it', or 'there was nothing I could do'. If you decide not to be assertive, you only have yourself to blame.

God does have a wonderful sense of humor.....

Every man for himself, God for us all.....

Everyone is selfish...or maybe most people are. I am not though, or at least I don't think I am, to a large extent.

I am sick and tired of being this unselfish person, of shelving my plans for others, of making people my priority when I am only an option.

Its the little things..

From someone telling you to travel with her to see her in-law in two weeks, you go get a new dress, and cancel all your plans for that weekend. Then she calls you to tell you she is already on the way there. And in my mind, I'm like 'dude, I was ready to risk my life to travel with you, I even cancelled the appointments I had this weekend' but I just wish her a safe trip, and don't remind her that she asked me to go with her in the first place.

Or you borrow money to get a laptop with the intention of Skyping with someone that did not even have any plans for you in the first place.

Those are two scenarios I just made up, but its just what it is.

Why plan your time around people, when if given the same opportunity, they would make their own plans, and tell you about it later, not considering you at all, but if given the opportunity you would try to work around it till the last possible minute, just so you can have time together.

Maybe its just that I don't have any goals of my own, that's why I put people's needs first...Maybe I'm just plain stupid and naive.

If someone cannot give you their time, it probably follows that they will not give you material things either.

Everyone is selfish, but some people prove me wrong...

I have a friend doing his PHD at the moment. He is uber busy, one of the most hardworking people I know, and under tremendous pressure to boot. This week alone he had to write two proposals,that's apart from all the experiments he has to conduct, yet he always takes time out to know how I am doing, ALWAYS. As a matter of fact I virtually know his itinerary by heart. I sent him a list of books and movies I wanted him to get for me, and he told me the books we're pretty expensive, but he'd get some for me and download the rest. He also took the time out to search for the movies and download for me. This is someone that has three jobs, working on his thesis and barely has time to breathe. He even told me to ask him for money if I need any, despite the fact that he's got so many expenses and has been the head of the family from a very young age.
I have another friend that's many time-zones ahead of me,eight hours away but he always makes time for me. I can't recall the amount of times I have woken him up from sleep just to whine. He's my shrink and ally rolled in one.
There are numerous examples of people that go out of their way for me, but I just used these examples because it's barely a year since I got close to both guys, yet they have been such a blessing to me.

What inspired me to write this post?

I bought my sister a ticket online, made a mistake in the booking and had to pay extra. After doing that I couldn't afford the return ticket. So I tell her, and she says she's not coming anymore, that she can't go through the stress of going to get a ticket over the counter, especially now that there are no flights because everyone's travelling, yada yada yada... and I am on the phone in shock... I would probably have squeezed out the money for another ticket but her attitude killed me. This is someone I was so looking forward to seeing, I had so many things planned for noth of us already then she gives me this BS. And the worst thing is e-tickets are non-transferrable so my money is gone down the drain.

Its the little things, yet its the important things...

Sooooo.. I have decided that from here on, I need to become a selfish chic, or at least just save my selflessness for those that actually deserve it. But I haven't the foggiest idea how to go about it. How do I just learn to put myself first?

Answers, anyone?

Fear.....

'One day at a time, this is enough, do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone, and do not worry about the future for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering'- Ida Scott Taylor
I live in perpetual fear.....of the future, even the present and the past.

It influences every action or non-action in my life.

I am scared: that my work won't be good enough, scared of failing, scared of succeeding, I'm even scared to LIVE.

I am terrified of marriage, of commitment, It takes me twenty minutes to decide what to wear in the morning, I can't even commit to an outfit.

I have let people take away my happiness so many times, had sleepless nights over people that were busy enjoying their lives and not even remembering I exist.

I rarely dress up, even though I'm actually a very fashionable person and I've got so many ideas, but I am scared that I'd probably be overdressed, or that my clothes would fade faster, or that I'd rather wait for somebody or an event worth dressing up for

At times I am so sad that I actually FEEL my heart, I did not even know that was possible. I wake up at times in the middle of the night terrified, my heart pounding so fast I can't go back to bed. These fears have even taken over my subconscious

The main reason I am scared of someone cheating on me is because I'm also scared of being taken for a fool. I don't want to be in a situation where I'd be feeling fly then people will be making fun of me behind my back 'awww, she's such a pretty and sweet chic,if only she knew that a day doesn't go by without his talking to so-so person, that he spends almost all his time with so-so babe, in fact he always considers the other babe's feelings first'. Just the thought that the joke is on me is enough for me to hate the guy forever, he doesn't even have to go the whole nine yards. I know that is a strange reason, but hey,that's who I am.

Fear is absurd, ridiculous, egregious even.

But fear also has its good sides though, the fear of dying young led me to have a rethink.
What will I say I have done with my life? What will I be remembered for?
I lost someone very dear to me recently and I just wonder at times that she looks down on me and is very disappointed with the way I've decided to live my life. I am alive, but not living...such a blady weist.

On Valentine's day I was very happy. I didn't do anything fantastic but I had a smile on my face all day. The point is I chose to be happy. It was my choice all along. We choose that we want to do. The only things we don't do are those we don't want to.

It took me about two years to start this blog, just because I was scared that nobody will like it and nobody will comment and that I'm a crappy writer. When I told my friend I wanted to start a blog, he said 'Fearless, people don't just say 'S.K, I am thinking of writing... you just go ahead and write, dammit' so a couple of months down the line, here I am. So this blog is dedicated to S.K, for gingering my swag, lol
I have taken the first step, I started this blog, and I'm looking forward to doing many more things I had put off for waaay too long. I sit writing this post now, wearing a Thomas Pink shirt I'd never worn before, I have decided to face my fears, one step at a time. Who cares if if it fades, I'd get loads more..
I will only surround myself with those that make me happy and treat me right. I'd do anything to keep them, do anything for them as long as I have them. Life is too short.
I will do all I can, I don't want to have stupid regrets down the line.
No more excuses, no more fear. Faith is the new Sheriff in town.

'Faith.... is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see..'