I'm back....

My aunt told me years ago that I should learn to curb my laughter. She said I was developing laugh lines around my mouth. So if I must laugh I should just laugh gently. I do not think I took this advice though. I laugh heartily and contagiously. I have cried too much for me to have my laughter taken from me as well...

The laugh lines are worse now though..

Speaking of..my Mum always has one advice or the other as well...and frankly some times I feel persecuted. In retrospect though, there are many things she nagged about that if I'd heeded, my life would be so much more different..

Shoulda..coulda..woulda...I pray against regrets every day. Like let me not realise years down the line that I should have heeded that advice, taken that opportunity, or worse realise that I messed something up irrevocably.

"The gods will not do for us what we can do for ourselves..."

I used to be a nag once upon a time..I am not near as bad as I used to be though. This is more likely because I have stopped caring too much, which I was was once guilty of. Since sometime last year my default mode has been one of indifference. I rarely get excited, or miss anything or anyone, or even look forward to stuff.

Nagging comes from a place of caring too much about someone..or something. Maybe its alright for my Mum to nag or keep harping on stuff, after all she is a 'shareholder' in my life..and its OK for some of my friends too. Like one of them virtually pushed me to further my education, after I'd been procrastinating for four years. And another one is always forcing me to make plans, and would even help me draw up a 5-year plan or 3-month plan or whatever. She scares me at times because she forces me to be accountable and set goals for myself. Even to the extent of asking me how I hope to achieve these goals...

Nagging actually works for some people...probably people like me who could lack self-motivation at times, but for some other more 'serious-minded' people, they take the advice and run with it, no time-wasting.

Maybe its when its done wrongly that it is qualified as nagging. Like how many people can say about you- "I bless God for the day I met you". Whether its because you nagged them to better themselves, or chided them when they were making or about to make mistakes, it may not really matter. What matters in the long run is if they are really wise people, when they reflect on their lives, would you have been a 'You made my life better person', or the 'Help me hold my hair while I throw up from being so drunk person'.

I think it says a lot about our mindset which of our friends or relatives we miss or value in the long run.

The sophistication of simplicity

Occam's Razor states that "If you have two equally likely solutions to a problem, choose the simplest. "

A teaspoon of salt, 5 cloves of garlic, a pinch of cayenne pepper and four cubes of seasoning. Fifteen minutes later, this soup just doesn't taste right.  Do I call Mum again? She said this is exactly what I need for this soup. Maybe I should add more pepper. I'm sure the garlic that shady grocer sold me was already rotten. I have a good mind to go over there right now, I'm so angry. Let me just call Mum first. "Mum, the soup doesn't taste like yours and I did everything exactly as you said". "Really? That's strange love. I wonder what could be wrong. After stirring I usually just leave it on for a few minutes and it turns out OK." "Oops Mum, let me call you right back, I forgot to stir the soup after adding the ingredients, silly me".  Four hours later..."Sweetheart, that meal was fantastic, what's the secret?" "Just a little stirring love, just a little stirring" ...

"This morning we put Dr (Mrs.) Taylor in our prayers, that God should heal her and bring her to him." "Amen" chorused the rest of the nurses at the hospice. As Carol went down to Mrs. Taylor's room later in the day, she was a bit apprehensive because she did not know what to expect. How can someone so vibrant and full of life now become so dull, lifeless and temperamental? Why would someone so wise be so foolish? After spending her life's savings and still not seeing any reduction in the size of the tumour, surely it was time to try another option? Giving up and just waiting for death cannot be the only way out. If only she would listen... if only she could forget her medical science for the first time and accept a higher 'science'....One year later it is with great joy that Carol reads a letter from Mrs. Taylor, thanking her for leading her to Christ, and how she expected she would only leave the hospice in a body bag, but is miraculously now hale and hearty. Emphasising how much she regrets not knowing Christ sooner and believing in him for her healing, and how she could have used her savings for the propagation of the gospel instead. After all's said and done, you had to be foolish to become wise...the sheer simplicity of the gospel of Christ.

Its Friday and I still haven't heard a word from Maxine. Its so annoying and I'm a tad scared. How did we go from talking everyday and chatting almost every hour to chatting for five minutes once in four days? Maybe Felix was right and its the stress of moving and the new job that's causing this change in her behaviour. But when I got a new job how come my own attitude did not change. Neither did it change when I became successful or had opportunities to dine with the 'high and mighty'? I think I should go ask her parents, at least they would have been the first to hear if something terrible happened to her between Tuesday and now. What if she's ill or there was an accident? I grab my phone as I get into the car, only to see a strange e-mail in my inbox. Its pictures of Maxine, my own Maxine, with different guys, and a mail explaining how she'd been seen leaving guys' apartments at odd hours, and how even at this moment I was preparing to go see her parents, she was out shopping with one of the guys, without a care in the world. I finally have confirmation of what I knew all along but did not want to say aloud. She has no regard for me any more and hasn't had time for me because her time now belongs to some other guys. It was obvious all along, I just preferred to believe something else.....

Honestly, I totally suck at writing. In any case, its not for everybody after all . Maybe some of us are just  meant to enjoy what others have written. Some people sure can write though. They take the words and give them life, make you fall in love with the words, fall in love with the author. I should just give up while I'm still ahead because these guys are just maestros. Hmmm..editing is not bad either, if I improve my grammar and vocabulary I could just stick to proofreading others' work. And then again,I could just keep writing passionately and consistently as best I can. Rome after all wasn't built in a day, and maybe the crappy writing will someday get better.

Letter to my future self

Dear Me,

As you read this letter you're in a happy place. No, you did not die, you're not in heaven, lol. You found happiness here on earth . It was in your hands all along you see. By now you should be doing that thing that we think is God's purpose for your life. Are you doing it full-time now or still part-time? Or are you still your indecisive self, wondering and wondering if it would work?

Are you still looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing Fiona from Shrek? Still letting that self-doubt creep up once in a while just because you are fat big-boned and someone cheated on you with slim babes? Remember how you went on the maple syrup diet and dint eat for days, thank God by the time your body started smelling of pepper and dead fish you came to your senses. I keep telling you, this is not important. Move on already !!! I don't know if you are now a Size 10, or you only lost the few kg you needed to fit into your old clothes, but either way, you re gorgeous. It would suprise you to know you are even a roll role model to many. The important thing is that you're fit and healthy , and most importantly that you look drop dead gorgeous in your top-of the-range outfits.

Are you dressing the way you've actualy wanted to? Utilising your fab fashion sense? Or are you still just wearing retail stuff because money no dey you want to  use the money for other things? Please babe, dress well, show what you're made of, dress in the taste you are already used to, no cutting corners anymore.

Do you write everyday now? Or you still think your writing sucks? even though Seye tells you you're a good writer and he is an expert on these things. Keep writing, we are in the business of helping people you see, so even if its just one person that your life experiences help, then baby you've done well. Besides, writing makes you happy. Did you ever apply to O magazine by the way? Or even the ones that you've had your eye on back home? Or as usual you chickened out?

Are you now a woman after God's heart? Do you practice all we've been reading for the past few years? Are you the virtuous woman the bible speaks about  in Proverbs 31? Does your husband sing your praises?  Does he hurry home each day, are his relatives glad to be associated with you? Oh yeah, forgot to mention you got married, you din't wanna do that actually, and I'll admit the guy had to bribe you/ sign some contracts and virtually had to drag you down the aisle, but you are happilly married. What people said you were wrong to ever expect is actually a reality. You have no regrets with him you see, and you never will. Isnt that what you had been asking God for all along? If only you had known, you would have trusted God sooner. He gave you an imperfect person perfect for you. No tears, peace of mind, no infidelity, you lack nothing and you are all in perfect health. Your Sherlock Holmes ways amuse him and he's even your partner in crime at times when you're trying to figure stuff out. You see, he's got nothing to hide so he doesn't feel threatened by you and he's even helping you put your talents to good use..............

So you see, there was no need to dumb down, or lose your weirdness and genius-level IQ keen mind. I'm sure you even do some PI work on the side now, lol. Oh, did you finally get a career that involves the stuff that makes you happy? i.e shoes, clothes, and books? Ohhhh, the smell of a new book...*sigh*. Are you jet-setting, shopping for the wives of the high and mighty like you've always wanted?  Did you change your family's story like your heart has desired? Are you helping people, changing lives? Is your life a testimony for Christ? Are you leaving behind a great legacy and are your children taught of the Lord? Are they living life to the fullest instead of having a late start like you did because you didn't find Christ till you were in your twenties?

Did you sort out that issue? The one you know you know the solution to deep in your heart but you just still keep wasting years of your life and blame it on confusion? I am sure you did the right thing and we are over that phase for good now.

Are you living your best life? Are you ???!!! Don't you see it? Today is the tomorrow we spoke about yesterday. So are you living or just existing? People are wicked, they always will be, but its only your own soul that is in your hands. Do you still expect so much from people and depend on them? You mastered the art of being alone for about a year so what is your problem? People will do as they want, but we will be good to them anyways, life is too short. Remember you shouldnt have given them so much power in the first place. Reclaim your life right now. 

It hurts me how you still get disappointed. People are rarely concerned about others' issues. As long as it doesn't affect them directly, they would just shrug it off and carry on with their lives. but when it gets to their own issues, watch them spring into action with an agility you never knew they possessed. And those same excuses they gave you when it was your turn or maybe didn't even bother giving you, they just ignored your issues as usual wont matter to them anymore. People always do what they really want to do. No excuses. That's why it hurts me that because you take on people's issues you expect the same from them and keep getting disappointed each day. People will tell you they would do one simple thing, and you will be waiting and waiting, expecting it even days after, when you knew as soon as they said it that they didn't mean it. They showed you their true colours the first time but you refused to believe them. Mschewww. All hope is not lost though, at least they could be the politicians of tomorrow.

You know so many things, are you practising them? How can you preach what you are not putting into practice yourself? These are all truths I could swear by. I really wish you have been adopting them for the past couple of years.

Yes you we're hurt , you we're betrayed . But didnt I promise you it'll pass? It has. You are fine now. No more panic attacks or waking up from nightmares. It was partly your fault though. Why put so much trust in a mere mortal? Maybe it affected you so severely because you have a god complex grew up believing you're a goddess and things like that happen to others and not you. Well, you're still a goddess, its not your place to make someone realise that, neither is it your fault that they took you for granted.

As you have come to realise the hard way, you can beg, cry, be the best person and be there for them but they will still do what is in their mind to do and all your pleas will fall on deaf ears. So don't beat yourself up too much about it Ok? Hope you learnt from it though? Was all the anguish worthwile in the end? Isn't it C.S Lewis that said its when we are in pain that God is shouting to us with a megaphone. So what did you learn from it? Did you turn the mess to a message? I trust u have made me proud because Adele turned her own betrayal into Grammys and millions of pounds, so we must not carry last.

You peed on yourself again today. But I know that by the time you are reading this you have already received healing. You have faith in God like never before and you have a whole new bladder. You now have 20/20 vision as well. Oh and all that time you wasted being heartbroken when you were supposed to learn French and take makeup classes, I hope you have made up for that time now?

Do your siblings still chance you take advantage of you? Sadly, I don't think that's gonna change though. What can you do about that? Are you still a great friend? A sister to those wonderful girls that have made you and their family theirs? Even if you haven't made any new friends in all this time, trust me, you are covered on that front.

You know who you are. You are all that and a bag of chips!!! Stop second-guessing yourself, dont dumb down. Keep being good, don't let those experiences turn you wild or lead you into temptation. Keep repaying evil with good always. It pays off. Give, you will always have in abundance. Love, just be more discerning. 

Oh, and I love you. Despite the strict tone, I really do. Its just your silliness that irritates me.Live your best life now. This is your moment. Celebrate everything. Nothing is promised. Pray hard, work hard, as if you've never prayed.

At the beginning of this letter when I said you were happy. Did that freak you out? Surely you remember that we discovered the secret a while ago in Ecclesiastes 12:13?

"All has been heard; the end of the matter is: Fear God [revere and worship Him, knowing that He is] and keep His commandments, for this is the whole of man [the full, original purpose of his creation, the object of God’s providence, the root of character, the foundation of all happiness, the adjustment to all inharmonious circumstances and conditions under the sun] and the whole [duty] for every man. "

ENOUGH SAID 

So you think you can?

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” 
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I cannot overemphasise how much God has done in my life. I am absolutely nothing without him. No one without him. If situations were different, if I wasn't born Christian, If I did not give my life to Christ I don't know where I'l be. In fact it is terrifying....

You know how you think everything is good and rosy in that aspect of your life.... and down the line, God tells you "Think again".  So you lose the 'mansion', keep searching for a replacement... and finally get a 'hut'. Of course you don't know at the time that you are swapping a mansion for a hut, but in retrospect you start to see things differently with revelation from God.

You had to lose that mansion because when you had the mansion you felt you didn't need God, you dint need to talk to him, everything was wonderful, you were well-provided for, you weren't in tears each day , you felt good about yourself, had peace of mind and were so secure.  you could hold your head up high and were so sure of where you stood.

Then you swapped the mansion for the hut.... Why did God allow you make such a seemingly stupid decision?  Maybe its because now that you are in the hut you are in lack and barely know how you will get bread for tomorrow, so you look to the Bread of Life each day. In the hut there is nobody to talk to. You are hiding your tears and the hurts deep in your soul because there's nobody you are free to tell the way you are actually feeling it, to tell why you are acting the way you are, to tell your fears and shame..., but you now remember that wonderful friend, the one that gave his life for you and you start talking to him, telling him why this seemingly innocent incident affected you this way, why sometimes it seems like you go into a trance because you are trying to block some stuff from your memory. You can talk to him without having to hide your tears, without 'faking' laughter or excitement. You  find yourself talking out loud till people think you are running mad...

In the hut u realise all the issues of your childhood that you had buried deep inside now need to be faced and addressed because you have seen how they have come to magnify the betrayals in your life.... In the hut you don't have peace of mind, so your bible becomes part of your body, and you now make it a point of duty to ignore people's actions. You begin to recite scripture like its going out of fashion, remembering that "He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is stayed upon him"....

He allowed you exchange that mansion for that hut.... you may regret it from time to time, thinking maybe you should have stayed in the mansion.....but God needs to break you, so until you devote your life to serving him, he will mould you, remove the walls and replace the roof, clog the drains and add windows, until you realise that he is the one that brought you to this world and you are here to do his will always, to serve him and obey his commandments. Then, and only then, when you have learned what you need to know, what you should have known all along, maybe he will give you an even better mansion for the one you threw away in the past, or turn that hut into a mansion for you......After all, he is the God of ALL flesh, is there ANYTHING too hard for him?

In My Opinion

I lost my uncle a few days ago. Still can't believe he's gone, that I won't c him or hear his voice again
Don't even wanna delete his numbers
I hate that he died, I hate how he died..
I feel I coulda done more, gone 2 c him, called him more often, encouraged him 2 come visit me when he wanted to
I feel really horrible, and sad, and angry
Angry with him, his ex-wife, angry with myself cos of mistakes I've also made
Its just made me think deeply about my life, and life in general

I abhor deceit
Detest it even
Life is too short 2 spend it wt ppl u don't feel safe with, and tbh its been a long tym snc ve felt safe

Dey start wt d lies
Den d omissions
Den u find out stuff
U hear stuff
Dey blv deir actions don't matter, after all dey are not hurtn ny1
Dey keep omitting 'seemingly innocuous stuff'
As if major catastrophes aren't a combin8n of loads of harmless stuff..
U know this deep down in ur heart but u kip ignoring it
U listen 2 deir 'customised truths' even hear dem lie wt Gods name
But u kip ignoring it
Until u end up dead 9 years after, all alone cos u dint get out years ago when u we're seeing all d 'little signs'
Until u end up dead @ his graveside cos u just found out he had 3kids and a wife dt u had no idea about
But u are to blame...cos u we're seeing all d lil signs, d stuff that 'doesn't really matter', wasn't 'such a big deal'
Until it killed u

How can stuff dat doesn't really matter kill u, how can what u did not know kill u?
Well they can, cos u let them

U c d signs, dey go on and on 4 so long but u still keep ignoring....

I hate secrets.. Cos they are fatal....if it really doesn't matter, or its not important den y du conceal it, y lie, y omit?

Until 1 lie turns into a hundred, and stealing turns into murder, until u realise ur sleeping beside a snake every night and not a human being

I hate secrets

If ur a liar, a cheat, paedophile, ritualist, porn star, or ur just addicted 2d opposite sex, please let us know who u really are, then we decide if we wanna b wt u regardless. But when its 1 rumour today, something we mistakenly find out 2moro that u did a while ago, a lie u told and uv forgotten.. When it 1 thing or d other every tym, pls get d hell out and go kill urself wt ur useless habits if u want, but don't let d fact dat u can't control urself lead 2 som1 else's death

Give people a long rope
Draw dem close
Dey start showing u their true colours, u loosen d rope
Give them a really long rope
Watch dem lie
Don't confront dem even when uv got proof
Watch keenly
Notice stuff they omit
Hear stuff but don't let on that u know
Watch dem keep makn fools of themselves cos dey tnk dey r getn away wt it
Cut d rope
Don't look back...
------------------

reVENGE

A dish...best served cold
A journey...that once embarked on would require u dig two graves
A game...that bodes more satisfaction before u play it than when its over
A burning thirst..for the other party to experience what u went thru..
A vain hope...that the acrid taste of betrayal would finally be washed out of your mouth for good
A lie..of d devil 2 deceive u into believing vengeance is yours
But
Its best..to wait till they inevitably end up at karma's restaurant....no need to order..we r all served what we deserve
------------------

Lucky Number Seven

Its seven months today since I left home. Time really flies, I don't even believe it myself. I haven't seen my family in so long, especially my Mum.

I remember back then it felt like I was going to Oz. The first miracle was even getting the funds, I remember that my Mum had to clear her account for me, my aunt gave me over $6,000, my bro bought me a laptop, my sis gave me money for a phone.... I just have to be successful, and change my family's story, there are no two ways about it.

I dint know what it would be like, who I'd meet over there...I pestered so many people, lol. And God raised help for me, even people I'd never seen in my life started linking me up with their friends over here

I thank God for his awesome astounding grace, he alone made my coming here possible, divine provision and anointing for uncommon favour. I wasn't even sure at some point if it was the right move and I wasn't excited about the relocation tbh, but he alone knows y I came here and I wish fervently that every purpose he had for my coming here will be fulfilled

While others were bored, homesick, etc, I never felt any of that. Maybe its cos I'd been used 2 being alone for a long time so it wasn't strange to me, but I can only thank God

D things I have learned in this seven months are way more than I've learned in my entire life. About life, about people, myself, my walk with Christ...there is no life outside God, I cannot reiterate enough

I never begged bread or lacked any good thing, neither have I been at anyone's mercy. He has been faithful, even to me that's 'Miss last-minute', lol. But God goes before me each time and grants me good success. Never has this scripture held more meaning for me than now " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness". Even I don't believe my grades at times.... I bless Jesus cos I am not the best but each time I have a testimony to tell and I say 'its Gods grace'...that his strength may always stand out in my weakness.

A few months to go, and I don't know what the next step would be, but as usual he's gone ahead of me already....
------------------

J... is for..

A few years ago I was in the car with my ex and his friend. I think his friend was listening to something on the radio or reading something, then he turned to me and asked me if I could die for my ex. I laughed, like "R u serious??? That is ridiculous" and all, and my ex looked so hurt, saying he'd die for me in a heartbeat.

That remains to be seen though, he felt he could actually do it, but if a truck hit us that day, would he have shielded me and taken the full brunt of the impact? I really don't know, but to him, he felt he would have..

I lost a close relative and while we were at their house for condolence visit, the father kept saying how death was so cruel, and that y dint death take his mother instead of his child? And when we got home my Mum was so angry and kept saying how the man was a joker, that y dint he ask death to take him instead of his own child, that y bring his poor mother into it? That a parent should give their life for their child, and all that good stuff. So that's how I know, cos she implied it, that my Mum can give her life for me, or any of my siblings..

So in almost three decades of my life, only two people could possibly give their lives for me..

But Jesus... Oh sweet Jesus, even while I was yet a sinner, he bled till his last drop of blood drained out, all for me...

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.."

Y I luv Jesus'? Because there is no friend like him.. Especially at this point in my life where those I thought I was safe with still decide to make me the object of ridicule... So who else can be my best friend, the lover of my soul, the sweetest name to my ears, and my comforter?

When others used to be partial to people cos they were probably from the same tribe, or attended the same schools or something, my own weakness was always those that called on the name of Jesus, I always felt we had a bond somehow and I had a soft spot for them. I say 'had' now because I have been deceived by this before and let down my guard instead of observing actions, I was moved cos they were calling Jesus' name...

In Jesus I am safe, nothing and no one can hurt me again, he's my haven,my all in all..

I'm nothing, absolutely nothing without him. I won't be where I am today, I won't be as joyful as I am if not for him. Even though at times I feel like actually pouring my heart out to someone that can talk back to me audibly, but with Jesus, talking to him gives me peace, and when I hear that still small voice in response to my heart's words, I remember once again that he is real.

I thank God each day, that I was raised in a Christian home, and not just that but that I was raised by a mother who isn't just religious asper going to church 7x a week but still not living the life of a Christian..

My own mother wasn't just religious, she lives Christ, taught us the word of God, and even till now her impact is epic !!! I remember when I was in Uni and my Mum asked if I was a virgin and I was so happy to answer Yes, and she said that even when I have sexual urges, I should just talk to the Holy Spirit, and I will overcome

I love Jesus, there is nothing more important to me than making heaven. There are some times I just wanna burst, like I have to tell someone about this Lion that is also a Lamb, this friend that is also a lover, I can't tire of telling him how I love him, and he tells me back "Fearless u r awesome, u r beautiful, I luv u too"... There is NO GREATER LOVE..

Even when I do wrong and I see the consequences of my actions, I am still happy, cos I know that "Who the Lord loves he chasteneth" ...his love for me is awesome !!!

There is no life outside of Jesus...

I could go on and on and on, and as a matter of fact, this is the post I have been looking forward to writing the most

J...is for Jesus...the name above all names. If you've got Jesus, you've got all u need.

What better manufacturer than one who gave u a manual for your life- the BIBLE, freely.. So that you can live the best life ever..if u choose to
------------------

I ...Is for Insouciance

For want of a nail the shoe was lost,
for want of a shoe the horse was lost,
for want of a horse the knight was lost,
for want of a knight the battle was lost,
for want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
So a kingdom was lost—all for want of a nail.

Insouciance is unconcern, indifference, a lackadaisical attitude, or being worry-free so to speak...

As much as we are all subject to Gods design for our lives, we still have to keep doing all we can, and put in our best, and not take things or people for granted,or we end up losing opportunities,destroying our careers, disappointing our families. We cannot afford to just 'see how it goes', or have an 'it doesn't really matter attitude' or keep passing our responsibilities to other people..because the consequences could be far worse than we could ever imagine

While its quite impossible to live a worry-free life, sometimes you just have to stop caring.

Three days ago, I wrote the saddest post of my life, and while i cant say it dint shatter me, or that the humiliation and betrayal is not real, but I had to be insouciant to get better. I say 'get better' because i cant say get over it. To say get over it means its something that happened a long time ago that I'm trying to forget.

This is stuff that's still happening, the people laughing are still laughing, still making jokes and talking about him and the other babes, about their bodies, stuff that i still cant believe in my wildest dreams...and i still cant hold my head up over there, so time will tell if i've truly overcome....like will I be able to face all the people involved one day and still feel fine?

Each time i tell my sis that i'm fine she doesn't believe me, she keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, cos she says trust is my thing, and i always have to trust people or they don't exist for me anymore. maybe she's right and I'm actually in denial cos to be honest i ve almost lost all faith in people..

I don't wanna tempt fate and risk seeing all these people anytime soon, but the main thing is i'm coping right now, because i stopped caring, cos if you don't feel any love than you cant feel hatred right? so i stopped caring, my heart just feels ...empty...so maybe sometimes insouciance isn't such a bad thing. If i did not care at the outset, then i wont have been hurt as much.. so yeah i stopped caring totally.

I'm not trying to down play anyone's pain, or feel like superwoman or that I'm stronger than anyone..its not the same for everyone to be honest, but maybe I've just reached my own pain threshold and i don't get surprised or hurt anymore, cos there's only so much a heart can take after all..but my point is that you will be happy again someday, especially if you dint even deserve it in the first place, but me I've left all of them in God's hands and I'm tryna make the best of my life

Sometimes I feel like I'm on opium,and i think this is how the joy of the Lord actually feels, like you find out stuff right now that's supposed to run you mad, and instead you smile even as you find out that the person that betrayed you dint just betray you, but keeps twisting the knife in over and over again even a year after the 'mistake'.

You smile even when you're sooo angry with yourself for believing the lies, for believing that everything is in the past, when even a year after, you are still getting more and more humiliated. and its so ridiculous..

But I'm truly happy right now....and this is a high that i pray never wears off..
------------------

Long time coming part 2

You know what makes me laugh? Well these days, everything does... I can't help but laugh cos its either that or go mad, and I'm too hawt 2b committed, if I do say so myself, lol.

I was cheated on, and while for some others its 'one of those things', for me its...I can't even find the words to be honest.

I know someone that broke up with her fiance cos he was cheating and even though the wedding date had been set, venue, etc paid for and all payment made, she still walked away. Many people couldn't understand her point of view.

I think I do though. Because if someone loves you they don't humiliate you right? Even if the cheating was a 'mistake' , what about all that happens after?

When even a year after they made the 'mistake', u realise that they are still assisting those babes they claimed they never wanna have nyth 2 do with nymore?

Or the fact that u can't hold ur head up anymore in front of people way younger than you are? People that used to regard you with respect back in the day, and even now are supposed to look up to you, but now regard you with ridicule, because of the actions of someone u let into your life, and how he's portrayed you.

Or that even one year after the cheating supposedly ended u realise that everyone even knew all about it and that the reputation u thought u were building all these years isn't worth squat cos everyone knew.

And even a year after they are still joking with the guy, crude jokes about the other babes bodies, and how hot they are, and this dude that claimed otherwise is actually laughing about it with them, making jokes on the stuff that caused you all these tears...

And you now understand why some people walked away even immediately they find stuff like this out, and y u were a big fool to still consider him even after you found out

Cos even after the 'confession', he was still lying, still omiting stuff, but you kept ignoring the signs, still foolishly believed the side of the story he decided to tell you, until you realised that there was a much bigger picture, and u are now just 4ft tall cos all d humiliation has crippled you, and you can't show your face again before all these people.

Or that when u wake up in the morning in depths of despair, he still condemns u 4 crying, despite all he did. Cos 2 him your pain is nothing , even though he caused it.

Ur pain is so insignificant to him that he is still ridiculing and humiliating you even a year after, laughing about all the stuff and the babes with people, he still...

So u ve 2 take ur tears 2 sm1 else, and start therapy, even though ur therapist tells you that you already know what you should do but u r just not doing it.

And what kills you most is that despite the fact that uv tried 2b decent ppl r laughing @ u behind ur back cos of d way someone u let in2 ur life dragged u in the mud.

But despite all this, what du do? U laugh, and b happy, and b d best damn person you can be, becasue uv left it all in Gods hands, and ur just amused when he lies, keeps lying even when you've got proof, and everyday he reminds u how the heart of man is really desperately wicked.

People will lie, keep stuff from you and still sleep soundly, still act like everything is normal, but what du do? U just laugh, even in the midst of the humiliation, and despite the fact that you don't even think you will ever love any man again, u just laugh, laugh at all the stupid lies and excuses,till you are even tired of asking questions anymore cos seeing people make a fool of themselves just gets tiring after a while
And u watch,watch, keep watching and keep being good to those that have been most evil to you....

God is the master director after all, so its so interesting to watch how this play unfolds...
------------------

TRIBUTE...

This is something my friend shared and according to him there's no point getting married if his wife can't say stuff like this about him..

......................................................................................................... Tribute To My Husband By Mrs. Bianca Ojukwu, Widow of Late Dim Chukwuemka Odumegwu-Ojukwu:

How do I sum up 23 years in one page? I don't know. How do I describe you? I cannot. Not in any depth. Not for anybody else - you were my husband, my brother, my friend, my child. I was your queen, and it was an honour to have served you. You were the lion of my history books, the leader of my nation when we faced extinction, the larger-than-life history come to my life - living, breathing legend. But unlike the history books, you defied all preconceptions.

You made me cry from laughter with your jokes, many irreverent. You awed me with your wisdom. You melted my heart with your kindness. Your impeccable manners made Prince Charming a living reality. Your fearlessness made you the man I dreamt of all my life and your total lack of seeking public approval before speaking your mind separated you from mere mortals. Every year that I spent with you was an adventure - no two days were the same. With you, I was finally able to soar on wings wider than the ocean. With you I was blessed with the best children God in heaven had to give. With you, I learnt to face the world without fear and learnt daily the things that matter most.

Your disdain for money was novel - sometimes funny, other times quite alarming. It mattered not a whit to you. Your total dedication to your people - Ndi-Igbo - was so absolute that really, very little else mattered. You never craved anybody's praise as long as you believed that you were doing right and even in the face of utmost danger, you never relented from speaking truth to power - to you, what after all, was power? It was not that conferred by the gun, nor that stolen from the ballot box.

No. You understood that power transcended all that. Power is the freedom to be true to yourself and to God, no matter the cost. It is freedom from fear. It is freedom from bondage. It is freedom to seek the wellbeing of your people just because you love them. It is the ability to move a whole nation without a penny as inducement nor a gun to force them. When an entire nation can rise up for one person for no other reason than that they love him and know he is their leader - sans gun, money, official title or any strange paraphernalia - that is power.

To try to contain you in words is futile. You span the breadth of human experience - full of laughter, joy, kindness and sometimes, almost childlike in your ability to find something good in almost everyone and every situation. You could flare up at any injustice and in the next instant, sing military songs to the children. You could analyse a situation with incredible swiftness and accuracy.

In any generation, there can only be one like you. You were that one star. You were a child of destiny, born for no other time than the one you found yourself in. Destined to lead your people at the time total extinction was staring us in the face. There was no one else. You gained nothing from it. You used all the resources you had just to wage a war of survival. You fought to keep us alive when we were being slaughtered like rams for no reason. Today, we find ourselves in the same situation but you are not here. You fought that we might live. The truth is finally coming out and even those who fought you now acknowledge that you had no choice.

For your faithfulness, God kept you and brought you home to your people. You loved Nigeria. You spent so much of your waking moments devising ways through which Nigeria could progress to Tai-Two!!! You were the eternal optimist, always hoping that one day, God will touch His people and give us one Vision and the diligence to work towards the dream. It never came to pass in your lifetime. Instead, the disaster you predicted if we continued on the same path has come home to roost.

You always saw so clearly. Your words are indelibly preserved for this generation to read and learn and perhaps heed and turn. You always said the dry bones will rise again. But you always hoped we would not become the dry bones by our actions. Above all, you feared for your own people, crying out against the relentless oppression that has not ceased since the end of the war and saddened by the acceptance of this position by your own people.

In death, you have awakened the spirit that we thought had died. Your people are finally waking up. At home, you were the father any child would dream of having. At no point did our children have to wonder where you were. You were ever at their disposal, playing with them, teaching them of a bygone era, teaching them of the world they live in and giving them the total security of knowing you were always present.

In mercy, God gave me a year to prepare for the inevitable. I could never have survived an instant departure. In mercy, God ensured that your final week on earth was spent only with me and that on your last day, you were back to your old self. I cannot but thank God for the joy of that final day - the jokes, the laughter, the songs. It was a lifetime packed into a few hours, filled with hope that many tomorrows would follow and that we would be home for Christmas. You deceived me. You were so emphatic that we would be going home. I did not know you meant a different home. The swiftness of your departure remains shocking to me. You left on the day I least expected.

But I cannot fight God. He owns your life and mine. I know that God called you home because every other time it seemed you were at death's door, you fought like the lion that God made you and always prevailed. In my eyes, even death was no match for you. But who can say 'no' to the Almighty God? You walked away with Him, going away with such peace that I can only bow to God's sovereignty.

Your people have remembered. The warrior of our land has gone. The flags are lowered in your honour. Our hearts are laden with grief. But I will trust that the living God who gave you to me will look after me and our children. Through my sadness, the memories will always shine bright and beautiful.

Adieu, my love, My husband, My lion, Ikemba, Amuma na Egbe Igwe, Odenigbo Ngwo. Eze-Igbo Gburugburu, Ibu dike.
------------------

long time coming...

this is so difficult to write....and i hope to write in a more explicit way as time goes on

i was cheated on, and it hit me hard. hard is putting it mildly to be honest. its not just the hatred u feel towards the parties involved. its not just that the person cheated on u, its the fact that it makes u doubt everything u ever believed in. its the fact that it makes u doubt yourself, and leads you to do things you wont necessarily have done, things ur ashamed of....

i have forgiven,but i know i will never forget.because i no that even after all this time, even now, that i spend hours talking to God, telling him to take this my heart away and give me a new one, that i am tired of the bitterness and hatred everytime i remember, that i am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what i see. hating what i see at this crucial time when i need to look my best, when i need to be able to tell myself that all this dint happen to me cos some mere mortal felt i wasnt good enough.

my validity has and will always come from God. i have never felt the need to prove myself or doubt myself. i have always felt i was all that, not the richest or tallest or finest or most intelligent, but all that... until i was cheated on and i started examining every aspect of myself like a big fool

i guess i set myself up in the first place because i was looking up to a human being, and looking back now i realise that i made another human being like me an idol in my heart. i shoulda known better, i know better. i should judge the fruits, the actions, not the words. i saw all the preceding cruelty even before the cheating eventually happened but i still listened to people's excuses for the cruel behaviour. i look back now and i am ashamed at the gallons of tears i wasted, plans i had for my self-development that I did not end up its not pursuing cos i was crying !!!

i hate that i dont feel anything anymore, I'm just...numb... and i hate that sometimes i think terrible thoughts instead of remembering that vengeance is the Lord's.

I am ashamed, that it affected me this way, and i wonder why I am writing all of this on here now cos the purpose is defeated. How do i help someone when i havent even helped myself? how long does God want me to be in agony for, and what does he want me to learn? he said i should forgive, and i honestly have forgiven. and to be fair there is only one person i need to forgive in this issue because thats the peson that allowed all of this to happen, i have no business with any girl because if she wasnt given the invitation then there is nothing she could have done that would have led to all of this. so rili i ve forgiven the only person that i should actually have an issue with, and i wonder.

I have told God, to break me, to take this my heart away, this heart that still feels such strong hatred sometimes that it shames me, i have asked him to do what he wants, but he should restore me.

I choose his will above mine always but i need my healing, and i dont know what else he wants from me. i have learned to trust him alone above all else, that only God should be true and every man a liar. i have learned to live an upright life, to always hide God's words in my heart that I may not sin against him. i have learned not to listen to people's words but judge their actions instead. i have learned to listen to God always and never doubt him. it is with great shame now that i remember how i had dreamt of all that eventually happened but i still kept doubting it, i discarded my own instincts and was listening to blatant lies. i have learned that cheating should never ever be in my vocabulary, because i know now what it can do. i have learned so many things and i still dont know what God wants from me.

i have wept uncontrollably while praying to him, and begged him and fasted, and i honestly dont know what else to do. sometimes i am wracked with so much pain that i start trembling uncontrollably and i can literally feel my heart in my chest. i have felt pain, i know what pain is now, because up until then i did not even know that someone could feel their own heart until i felt mine, aching....

i hate what this has turned me into, hate that it made me one of those babes i also used to laugh at back in the day, babes that were feeling confident with one guy not knowing all the stuff the guy was doing behind their back. i hate the humiliation and the fact that i will never ever be sure, because i have also been that other girl, the one that the guy claims he loves his girlfriend yet he seems to have so much time for me, so i will never know, never know what actually transpired, i will live with the fact that the babes will laugh at me in their mind and say "oh, she wasn't all that anywayz, if she wasi wont have had her man"..."he liked me too and he probably dint pursue it because he knows I have a boyfriend,otherwise he would have dumped her" or he probably dint take it further cos he's scared of the babe,or "because circumstances have changed between them now that's why he's not as close to me as before anymore", or "i know the connection i had with him, i know the personal stuff he shared with me so i still have a hold on him, he will never be able to shun me"....

its so funny how in life such a seemingly insignificant event could lead to the point of no return, could lead to the destruction of an investment..

i hate the fact that some nondescript, irrelevant girl became part of my story, through no fault of mine. i would never ever wish this on my enemy. i will forgive, have forgiven, but i wont forget..

I am just waiting on God, that he will speak once and i will hear him twice, but above all, his will above mine. he knows the end from the beginning and if there are some lessons I am actually supposed to have learnt and have not, then his will be done

but i dont need this, not now...not now

the word of God has been keeping me going, and I have been confessing this verse: "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. Hosea 6:1

long time coming....

this is so difficult to write....and i hope to write in a more explicit way as time goes on

i was cheated on, and it hit me hard. hard is putting it mildly to be honest. its not just the hatred u feel towards the parties involved. its not just that the person cheated on u, its the fact that it makes u doubt everything u ever believed in. its the fact that it makes u doubt yourself, and leads you to do things you wont necessarily have done, things ur ashamed of....

i have forgiven,but i know i will never forget.because i no that even after all this time, even now, that i spend hours talking to God, telling him to take this my heart away and give me a new one, that i am tired of the bitterness and hatred everytime i remember, that i am tired of looking in the mirror and hating what i see. hating what i see at this crucial time when i need to look my best, when i need to be able to tell myself that all this dint happen to me cos some mere mortal felt i wasnt good enough.

my validity has and will always come from God. i have never felt the need to prove myself or doubt myself. i have always felt i was all that, not the richest or tallest or finest or most intelligent, but all that... until i was cheated on and i started examining every aspect of myself like a big fool

i guess i set myself up in the first place because i was looking up to a human being, and looking back now i realise that i made another human being like me an idol in my heart. i shoulda known better, i know better. i should judge the fruits, the actions, not the words. i saw all the preceding cruelty even before the cheating eventually happened but i still listened to people's excuses for the cruel behaviour. i look back now and i am ashamed at the gallons of tears i wasted, plans i had for my self-development that I did not end up its not pursuing cos i was crying !!!

i hate that i dont feel anything anymore, I'm just...numb... and i hate that sometimes i think terrible thoughts instead of remembering that vengeance is the Lord's.

I am ashamed, that it affected me this way, and i wonder why I am writing all of this on here now cos the purpose is defeated. How do i help someone when i havent even helped myself? how long does God want me to be in agony for, and what does he want me to learn? he said i should forgive, and i honestly have forgiven. and to be fair there is only one person i need to forgive in this issue because thats the peson that allowed all of this to happen, i have no business with any girl because if she wasnt given the invitation then there is nothing she could have done that would have led to all of this. so rili i ve forgiven the only person that i should actually have an issue with, and i wonder.

I have told God, to break me, to take this my heart away, this heart that still feels such strong hatred sometimes that it shames me, i have asked him to do what he wants, but he should restore me.

I choose his will above mine always but i need my healing, and i dont know what else he wants from me. i have learned to trust him alone above all else, that only God should be true and every man a liar. i have learned to live an upright life, to always hide God's words in my heart that I may not sin against him. i have learned not to listen to people's words but judge their actions instead. i have learned to listen to God always and never doubt him. it is with great shame now that i remember how i had dreamt of all that eventually happened but i still kept doubting it, i discarded my own instincts and was listening to blatant lies. i have learned that cheating should never ever be in my vocabulary, because i know now what it can do. i have learned so many things and i still dont know what God wants from me.

i have wept uncontrollably while praying to him, and begged him and fasted, and i honestly dont know what else to do. sometimes i am wracked with so much pain that i start trembling uncontrollably and i can literally feel my heart in my chest. i have felt pain, i know what pain is now, because up until then i did not even know that someone could feel their own heart until i felt mine, aching....

i hate what this has turned me into, hate that it made me one of those babes i also used to laugh at back in the day, babes that were feeling confident with one guy not knowing all the stuff the guy was doing behind their back. i hate the humiliation and the fact that i will never ever be sure, because i have also been that other girl, the one that the guy claims he loves his girlfriend yet he seems to have so much time for me, so i will never know, never know what actually transpired, i will live with the fact that the babes will laugh at me in their mind and say "oh, she wasn't all that anywayz, if she wasi wont have had her man"..."he liked me too and he probably dint pursue it because he knows I have a boyfriend,otherwise he would have dumped her" or he probably dint take it further cos he's scared of the babe,or "because circumstances have changed between them now that's why he's not as close to me as before anymore", or "i know the connection i had with him, i know the personal stuff he shared with me so i still have a hold on him, he will never be able to shun me"....

its so funny how in life such a seemingly insignificant event could lead to the point of no return, could lead to the destruction of an investment..

i hate the fact that some nondescript, irrelevant girl became part of my story, through no fault of mine. i would never ever wish this on my enemy. i will forgive, have forgiven, but i wont forget..

I am just waiting on God, that he will speak once and i will hear him twice, but above all, his will above mine. he knows the end from the beginning and if there are some lessons I am actually supposed to have learnt and have not, then his will be done

but i dont need this, not now...not now

the word of God has been keeping me going, and I have been confessing this verse: "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. Hosea 6:1

Niagara falls

A lot has been happening...not really tbh, lol. but surely a lot must have been happening otherwise I wont have been off this space for so long. Happy New Year everyone... i wish you all you wish yourself and more.

This year began in tears for me. While everyone was jubilating in church with screams of "Happy New Year", yours truly was sobbing uncontrollably and even had to be led out of the auditorium. I was praying about the past year and it all came flooding back so vividly. Pain is real mhen, its not only by physical wounds...

I had my first written test in class today, and it went well, at least i think so because the tutor almost had to come force the pen outta my fingers cos I was last to finish. surprisingly, I had a lot to write, mostly because i really understood what i was writing, as opposed to just cramming the theory. there were some parts i did not finish explaining though, but I give God all the glory cos I was a bundle of nerves in the hours leading to the test. Please pray for my continued success in this and other courses.

the past few days have been a mix of fun and drama. it was my uncle's birthday over the weekend and i dont particularly like him tbh. so evry1 else called to wish him a happy birthday,but i did not call till the next day. consequently my aunt reported that to my Mum and it really spoilt my mood and affected my reading for the test. my friend called me later that night and i was tryna narrate d incident cos i was so upset and just took that opportunity to talk about it to someone outside my family, and surprisingly I started crying again, like this is almost five years after the whole ish , even though I've forgiven the man I was crying almost through the whole convo. He treated me like crap and made me feel worthless. and even though i've forgiven him now, just seeing or talking to him can alter my mood dramatically.

in retrospect I realise that I am a very emotional person and I always operate in two extremes. Its either I am very quiet about something and the day I finally decide to voice out, it would be quite gory. or maybe i talk and talk about the same issues then when i get tired of talking i just keep quiet. this is even worse cos my coping mechanism for this is that the person is dead to me and i'm just numb. so i just go through the motions, talk as appropriate but things may never get back to normal.

Relationships with people could be really tricky tbh. I still haven't been able to achieve the balance, but i try as much as possible to be at peace with all men. however the bible does not say i have to be close to people at all cost so....

so when the bible says we should guard our hearts with all diligence, apart from things we watch, or hear our read, maybe it also relates to issues like this, like when you start seeing the warning signs, when you realise that the person talks from both sides of the mouth for instance, then you should start taking pre-emptive measures. this is probably extreme, but at least some messy issues could be avoided. we should be at peace with all men, and thats what i try to do, i made a mental list of everyone that really hurt me and forgave them. understandably, some are more difficult than others and you need divine intervention, lol. i still discussed this with my pastor again last week and things are looking up....

its so bad that I told my brother yesterday that if in the worst case scenario, God forbid my enemy died and there was no money to bury me, that he should cremate me and scatter my ashes instead of going to that uncle for money.

maybe i should have moved out of his house before things got to a head, damning the consequences. i tried talking to my folks about it but I guess they were biased, so I continued suffering in silence and the resentment doubled.

so this whole issue put a damper on my weekend a bit.

watched the grammys and I tore up seriously, like niagara falls ish. Hardwork really pays mhen. Adele is really young but she's done so well for herself, and all this came about cos she was heartbroken. its such a shame cos my heart was shattered broken as well, and i did not even put it to good use.i cant sing to save my life so thats def out of it, lol, but maybe i'l write a book, or something. maybe it could even be this blog that i'l use to help someone somehow...its so funny sometimes when you are thinking of something randomly, and you dont know its actually God putting those thoughts in your heart, then someone else says the exact thing you were thinking and you're like wooow.

some days ago i was thinking about how i havent been blogging and that i should start writing again, no matter how random, cos i know that sharing stuff could help someone that may read this even a year down the line...later that day i attended a women's conference and the speaker talked about being passionate and helping people, even with your limited resources, and guess what? she mentioned blogging and i was amazed.. so i'm def gonna be blogging more regularly. do i hear a yaaay? no?.. lol

this epistle post wont be complete without mentioning whitney's death. it was niagara falls again for me all through, especially when bishop t.d jakes and tyler perry gave their eulogies. and what tripped me the most is that as usual the master planner, my Lord Jesus showed himself once again. his name was glorified to the whole world, for three hours on CNN. in these times where the media is always PC and any mention of God or Jesus is carefully edited. I'm sure lives were saved and backslidden souls found their way back home.

one of Whitney's songs that touched me most is "Almost had it all". its so sad and true. as a matter of fact i feel almost could be one of the deadliest words ever, especially when you had all the opportunities to prevent something from happening but you did not.

God help us all....

How long....

I beg your pardon in advance, but this post will be a tad macabre and tootaaly random, so u could stop reading here, thank you.

So I was thinking....if one died, like all alone in the room, how long would it take before the body is discovered? Or if someone was almost at the point of death, or say committing suicide, would there be anyone that would show even the slightest bit of concern and make them change their mind? Even if its just a phone call or blackberry message that makes them stop in their tracks?

So in my own case, I really don't know. My Mum of course even if she doesn't talk to me everyday, she and my Dad know I'm fine because I chat with my sister everyday.... So I'l assume if something were to happen to me it would be a case of. Sis: "Mum, have you heard from fearless today?" Mum: "No. Thought you were chatting with her. Ask friend A and Friend B. They haven't either? *packs bag* ...Morning of Day 2, after calling me repeatedly and possibly contacting the embassy, she boards the next flight out of town". Well maybe I exaggerated a bit but yeah I know my Mum won't take it lying down at all.

Then I have a friend back here who buzzes me at least once daily, and if she doesn't hear 4rm me will call or come round and keep her hand on the buzzer till someone lets her into my apartment and I do the same for her as well.

Another of my friends just freaked out because I stopped chatting mid-convo and at first thought I dozed off, but when there was still no reply after 6 hours had to start ringing me. So there are a few friends I know that will even come down here if need be or at least take some action. But while I appreciate them, this is not even about them, its about those that have showed how insignificant I am to them through their actions, and are also making me a worse version of myself in the process. Sometimes I think that if something really terrible happened, my spirit will not give them any respite. I'm being terribly puerile here, but still..

There are some people I also know that I'm responsible for and I have neglected them once in a while, but at least I thank God that I have one..or four people that value me enough to keep calling, or walk 200metres, or even take the next train to check on me.

This is not a sub, its just reality and I don't hold any grudges neither will I force anyone to know what I'm worth, but on the real I don't think it would take longer than a day before I'm found though, or maybe that's my over-inflated ego talking.

On second thought, my Mum's been bugging me to give her two of my friend's phone numbers in case she can't bet through to me, but for some weird reason, I've refused...lol?

So am I the only one that thinks like this at times?

------------------